


Darcy Diary

by JaneDoe (RoeManetti)



Category: Lizzie Bennet Diaries
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-09
Updated: 2013-07-17
Packaged: 2017-12-08 00:02:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 100
Words: 55,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/754628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoeManetti/pseuds/JaneDoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Darcy did keep a diary? How would his perspective differ from Lizzie's?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Personal Growth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been challenged to post something every day for the 100 days of re-watching the Lizzie Bennett Diaries. So, my plan is one post per LBD episode. Let's see where the ride takes us!

April 10, 2012.  
My name is William Darcy and I decided to start a diary. The presenter at the recent team-building retreat for my company, Pemberly Digital, suggested that journaling is way of personal growth. I think that it is important for the CEO to set a good example to his employees in implementing tools in order to lead the way to changing oneself for the better.

Ms. Foster, the presenter, instructed us to write about things that are happening in our lives, both personal and professional. Currently, my professional life is being impacted by events in my personal life. I will be leaving the San Francisco offices to telecommute from a small town near LA. I am going to support my friend Bing, who has impulsively purchased a house in that town. I am not certain why he felt the compulsion to buy a house there, but he has asked me to come and stay with him for a time. He said something vague about needing a break from medical school this summer.

Bing is a good friend and I am concerned that this impulsive action may lead to other poor decisions, so I believe that I should be there to help temper some of his hare-brained schemes. Unfortunately, he gave me no warning about the house purchase, or I could have intervened before the sale was completed.

I feel a responsibility for Bing because he is so impulsive and quite naïve. He always believes the best of everyone and is easily taken advantage of by unscrupulous people. His sister Caroline has shared her concerns about this with me and has asked me to be a good example and a voice of reason in Bing’s life. I am happy to accommodate her wishes, because they match so closely to my own concerns for Bing.

In addition, to be honest, I will be relieved to leave the offices for a while. A coworker is making me uncomfortable by appearing to want a more personal relationship. Maybe she is just being friendly, but she repeatedly has suggested that we go out for drinks or get lunch together. I am not interested in anything but a work relationship, and besides, is she interested in the CEO or the man? I could never be sure with someone from work. I do not think it is a good idea for the boss to date someone who works for him.

Bing assures me that the house is large and comfortable and that the WiFi connection is fast. I hope that this interlude will not be too disrupting to the work that needs my attention at Pemberly.


	2. Furniture

April 11, 2012  
Bing is shopping for furniture for his new house. Fortunately, he tweeted his plan before going, so Caroline and I were able to share some advice with him. I shudder to think what Bing will choose without guidance. Caroline recently texted me that she arranged for Bing to meet with a designer at the furniture store. That relieves my mind to a great extent.

I hope to be able to fly down to stay with Bing at the end of next week. I would like to go sooner, but there is the detail of no furniture in the house and also getting ready to leave PD for an extended period. There is a board meeting on Tuesday for which I must prepare along with countless details to be delegated and seen to.

I also have plans to spend the weekend skiing with Gigi. This will likely be our last trip of the season, and I am very much looking forward to it. Gigi seems to be doing well, but I worry about her. Ever since our father died, I have felt my responsibility to her quite keenly. I do not want to let her down again. I wish I understood her better. I never seem to know what she is planning to do next. She has settled down well at work and is quickly becoming a valued member of my team. I can trust her to complete her tasks well and promptly. She and Fitz seem to have an easy camaraderie. Gigi finds it very easy to talk to anyone comfortably and vivaciously. That is not something I find easy. I certainly have not the talent which some people possess of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done. 

April 12, 2012  
Interestingly, Ms. Foster was correct. She stated that when one writes in a journal, one often notes things one would not normally have thought of when not writing. I just read over my entry from yesterday and was struck by my musings about the differences between my sister and me. I asked Fitz about it and he said I have the social skills of an agoraphobic lobster. I asked him why he was friends with me, and he replied that he liked lobsters. Fitz does know how to turn a phrase. Another thing in which I am not talented.

April 13, 2012  
On my way to meet Gigi for our skiing weekend. Today was very busy with too many interruptions from investors and board members calling with questions throughout the day. I am actually looking forward to being out of the office for a while starting next week.

Caroline will be flying down soon to help Bing settle in. She states that she has the flexibility to work wherever she happens to be and wants to spend more time with her brother. I am not entirely sure what Caroline does. She never seems to talk about her job.


	3. I blame Gigi

April 17, 2012  
Much has happened. I meant to write in my diary about the weekend, but the amount of work I had for the board meeting yesterday made it quite impossible to find the time. And after the meeting, Fitz, Brandon, and I went out for a drink or two in order to relax. But, the board meeting went according to my wishes.  
Bing seems happy. But apparently the town he lives in does not even have a coffee shop. I hope he bought a good coffee maker for the house. Maybe I should bring some good beans with me. I hope I will survive my sojourn in the sticks.

I had been planning to write about my conversations with Gigi over the weekend. I shared with her my thoughts about my difficulty socializing with people I don’t know. She told me that when I forget myself I am at ease and interesting. I wonder how I can forget myself. Gigi thinks that I should find a woman and fall in love and that will change everything. I couldn’t tell her how right she was, just in the wrong way. She does not know about A. Just typing this makes me uncomfortable. I was young and almost as naïve as Bing. I thought I had found my soul mate. Fortunately, before I made too much of a fool of myself, I overheard her talking about me. Apparently not my soul mate; someone who wanted my money and position, but not me. 

Perhaps I should delete all of that. But Ms. Foster said that often we write things that we need to consider. What should I consider from this? That falling in love changed everything for me but not in a good way? That my ego was crushed? That if I did not have money and a good job, no woman would be seen with me? Can that be? I’ve dated other women since A, but I have not felt close to them or tried to pursue a relationship that goes beyond casual. It is too much work, and I’m not sure I can trust them. I prefer to keep my life simple and organized. 

My parents were in love. That much was obvious to me even though I was still in junior high school when my mother died. Father just seemed to lose his spark after that. Even though he died ten years later, it seems like we lost a part of him with mother’s death. Is it too much to ask that I would find love as well? 

Why am I thinking about love so much? I blame Gigi for bringing it up. Usually, I do not think about it.


	4. Bing will not take 'no' for an answer

April 20, 2012

Despite the fact that Caroline flew down on the same flight as I did instead of coming ahead, Bing’s house had furniture in each of our bedrooms, the living room and the kitchen. And he has a coffee maker. There is still a great deal to see to. Fortunately, Caroline has agreed to shop with Bing after the wedding we have to attend with Bing tomorrow. Forget six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon. I think there are less than three degrees of separation from Bing and anyone in the world. He knows more people than is imaginable. I do not see the point in my going to this wedding in which I do not know anyone, but Bing insists and I cannot argue with him anymore. I am getting a headache.


	5. The Dreaded Wedding

April 22, 2012

Bing and Caroline are out shopping for furniture and I am trying to have some time to myself. If only Caroline would stop tweeting. The wedding was just as bad as I feared. I didn’t know anyone except for Bing and Caroline. I was really glad I did not know this one redhead who was really loud and energetically dancing and flaunting herself in front of everyone. Bing danced almost the whole time with one girl, Jane. He hasn’t stopped talking about her yet. Caroline divided her time between dancing with the groom’s friends and complaining about living here, the people at the wedding, and the amount of work she has to do to take care of Bing. I wish Gigi had been here, she is always the life of the party and manages to include me in the group, without being too pushy or awkward about it.

Speaking of awkward: there was someone there, Jane’s sister Lizzie, who did not dance the whole reception, but she was always involved in lively discussions with different people. She caught the bouquet and, thanks to Bing pushing me onto the floor, I caught the garter. So then we were forced to dance together. I enjoy dancing and can dance well thanks to Father’s insistence on dancing lessons throughout my youth. But, dancing in front of a whole group of people I don’t know with a woman I never met before is really not my favorite thing to do. I thought it would be bearable since Lizzie seemed to be a good conversationalist. However, when we got to the floor and turned toward each other, Lizzie frowned so intensely at me, I found myself wracking my brains to see how I could have offended her. Then she was so stiff and unyielding, I realized she did not know how to dance. Instead of enjoying the dance, I just shuffled and swayed so that she would not feel inadequate. If I have to hear any more from Bing about my total lack of any finesse on the dance floor at the wedding, I may have to hurt him. He could not keep from making faces at me throughout the whole ordeal.

I already have trouble making conversation, and after that frown I couldn’t think of anything to say. Lizzie started cross examining me about the town and what I liked to do. I tried to answer briefly and politely, even though I was wishing to be anywhere else at the time. I thanked her for the dance and then escaped outside. Of course, Bing had to come and try to make me join the party again, but I was too tired of being around people I don’t know. It is such an effort. I wish Bing would leave me alone and not pressure me to socialize so much. Just because he likes it and can have a friendly conversation with a lamppost, does not mean that everyone is like him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this meeting between Lizzie & Darcy from his perspective. I didn't realize how difficult it would be to keep the door open for a quick change of heart for Darcy, while still having him act in such a way for Lizzie to take a dislike of him. Thanks for your comments and kudos. They make this process so much more fun.


	6. Running

April 25, 2012

Fitz, Gigi, and I have been in contact daily and all is well at PD at this time. There may be an unexpected advantage to my being away from the office at this time. PD has a new product in development and we may be able to use it in our conferences as part of the testing. Gigi will be consulting with the tech department to see if the product is ready for testing soon.

There is no gym here, so I have had to find other ways to work out. There is a pleasant sort of wilderness-like park near Bing’s house and I have been running there most days. Fortunately, they also have pull-up bars and other stations along the running trail, so I am hopeful that I will not get too out of shape while I’m here.


	7. Jane, Jane, Jane

April 29, 2012

Bing spends a great deal of time with Jane, talking about Jane, texting Jane, talking about Jane, talking to Jane. It is a bit tiresome. Jane seems like a nice girl. She is very pleasant, but he doesn’t know very much about her. Her mother and youngest sister were pretty overbearing at the wedding. Just the fact that she is related to the energetic redhead should be a red flag. Jane’s other sister, Lizzie, is unfriendly and somewhat awkward. I wonder if they have a father in the picture. I do not think I met a Mr. Bennett at the wedding. 

I had thought that Lizzie Bennett would have been a fun person to get to know. But that was before that farce of a dance at the wedding. I do not know why she was so unfriendly to me when she had seemed so social earlier in the evening. I even caught her giving me a glare when I was leaving. 

Bing is becoming seriously obsessed with someone he has only known a week. He could get really hurt if she dumps him and he doesn’t protect himself and his feelings better. Or, if she is just with him because of his money and the fact that he is going to be a doctor. I think I’m going to have to talk to him. 

May 2, 2012

Since the Bennett family lives in the neighborhood, I keep seeing Jane, Lizzie and the younger sister around. Their parents are also in evidence at times. I guess there is a Mr. Bennett in the picture because I keep seeing Mrs. Bennett and the same man strolling around the neighborhood in the evenings. Maybe it is not Mr. Bennett. Maybe Mrs. Bennett is having a scandalous affair with a man who is not her husband and she is conducting it in plain view of her children and the whole neighborhood. This rustic town is probably a hotbed of gossip about them. Ha. I like talking to Fitz about things. He always finds a way to joke about anything.


	8. Clueless

May 4, 2012

I have tried to talk to Bing several times, but it’s very difficult to discuss something important with someone who is so infatuated. He does not take me seriously and tries to convert me to be one of the Jane Bennett fan club. He even suggested that he and I could double date with Jane and Lizzie. Even if I wanted to date someone, I would not choose the uncongenial Lizzie Bennett. 

Nor would I choose the woman at work who cannot seem to pick up on my cues to leave me alone. I left town. I never respond to e-mails or texts unless they are strictly about work. I have refused every invitation she has ever made to me. What will it take for her to get the message? I have been very clear about my lack of feelings and yet she still contacts me and pushes for more. How desperate can she be? Why would someone who has no encouragement continue to pursue someone? It is pathetic.

Apparently, according to Gigi, this woman has been pursuing me since the fall. I noticed it about a month ago, but when I recently said something to Gigi, she told me she noticed it before Thanksgiving. I am slightly disturbed that I didn’t notice it for six months. Gigi tells me that I am clueless. Maybe I am.  
I miss Gigi. She sounds like she is doing well. Thankfully, she is happier than she was earlier in the year. I do not want to think about that time. It makes me very angry. At least we have each other.


	9. Productivity

May 6, 2012

Bing continues to disregard my warnings about Jane Bennett. He also invited Jane and Lizzie Bennett to dinner and insists that I be there. I do not think it is necessary to include me. But, he has made up his mind to this, and I will support him at the dinner. Caroline has also requested my presence. She said that she needed an ally to deal with the invasion of the Bennetts. 

Despite the inconvenience of being in a small town with not much in the way of dining, coffee shops, or other amenities, I am being quite productive in my work. It helps that no one can just pop into my office with a question. Conference calls have to be scheduled, e-mail is much more quickly dealt with than people in my office. Bing is busy with Jane and studying. During the day Caroline is busy with her own work. I am feeling good about PD.  
I did not think that I would like to journal, but I find it strangely soothing. When I write down the things I am thinking about, sometimes I find myself reflecting on them more than I normally would. I’ve thought a lot more about Gigi and how important she is to me since I’ve been writing in my journal. Yesterday, Gigi told me that I was different; when I call her I am more interested in talking about what is happening in each other’s lives than just checking up on her. Maybe Ms. Foster was right. Maybe journaling can be a tool in personal growth.

May 8, 2012  
I am planning a trip up to San Francisco for another board meeting soon. I have not decided exactly when I’m leaving or coming back. I don’t want to leave Bing for too long. Who knows what he might do.

I want to make sure to see Gigi and Fitz & Brandon while I’m there. I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed and being in my own house by myself for a few days. Bing and Caroline are lovely friends, but it does get tiring to have to socialize every evening. Caroline has seemed more dependent upon my company lately, probably because Bing is otherwise occupied. It would be nice if she could meet some friends, maybe she and Lizzie Bennett will connect at the dinner in a few days. Then Caroline would have someone to do those things girls like to do together and I would have a few evenings on my own. That would work out very well for everyone.


	10. Wine

May 10, 2012

I have to remember to bring my bicycle back with me when I return from San Francisco. Being out in the middle of nowhere means that there are plenty of deserted country roads that should be great for biking. That is one way I can be assured of solitude as well. Of course, it should be easier cycling than I’m used to, since there are hardly any hills here. 

Bing cannot stop talking about Jane and Lizzie Bennett coming for dinner in a few days. He wants everything to be perfect. I have assured him that I will procure the wine. He chooses wine because of the name or interesting label. He does not have a discerning taste. Bing has been instructing Caroline as to the menu and the decorations on the table. That is quite amusing, since Caroline has excellent taste and Bing’s taste is nonexistent.

At least Caroline talked Bing into inviting more people to the dinner so it is not as obviously all about Jane. I think they are inviting the newlyweds and a couple of the groomsmen from the wedding and someone named Charlotte. I am glad that it will not be an intimate gathering, but it is just more people that I do not know well. Sometimes I wish that it was easier for me to make small talk with people I don’t know. Many people seem to have no trouble with it. Why is it such a chore for me?

May 11, 2012

There is a problem with the Buenos Aires house. Usually the households run smoothly when we are not there, so I do not usually have to deal with problems. I have been on the phone to the lawyers in both countries and I think we may have figured out what the issue is and how to solve it. Fortunately, it is not too difficult to unravel, but it does mean that I may have to visit Buenos Aires sometime this summer.

Gigi occasionally suggests that we sell some of our houses, though never the ski chalet. She says that the world is very different than it was when our parents bought the houses and we do not need so many. I like to know that we can go to familiar places when we have to travel, and especially Buenos Aires has always been a center for our family’s business, so we do not agree on this. Perhaps we should discuss it further together with information about costs and benefits. I will think on this.

May 13, 2012

Why did I offer to procure wine for this dinner? It took me several tries to find a store that sold something passable. I forgot we live in the middle of nowhere. When I finally found some wine that would work for tonight, the store owner kept talking and talking. What business of his is it if I am new in town and if I’m visiting or staying for a while? I tried to give polite but short answers, but he would not stop talking. I finally had to leave to get out of the conversation. Oh for the anonymity and wine selection of the big city.

I am glad that Father emphasized learning about fine wines. Being so close to Napa Valley and Father having friends among the vintners helped. But I also remember very fondly the trip I took to France and Italy the fall after graduating from college. I learned so much from being part of the wine harvest at different vineyards that year. I would think that in 2012 I wouldn’t have had so much trouble finding an adequate wine to serve with dinner tonight.

I hope Lizzie Bennett is feeling more sociable tonight. If she frowns at me again, I’m not even going to try to be pleasant. On the other hand, I do want Caroline to make a friend. Maybe I’ll call Gigi and ask her what she thinks.


	11. Dinner Party

May 14, 2012 

Well, the dinner went pretty well. When Lizzie and Jane Bennett showed up, their mother and younger sister were with them. I admit that my heart sank, but, to my surprise, Bing skillfully managed to get rid of them quickly. How did Bing, who is so naïve and clueless about life become such a social expert?   
Anyway, everyone seemed to have a good time. Not surprisingly, Bing talked mostly to Jane. She seemed to be quite happy to talk to him, but just as happy when he was being the host somewhere else. I cannot tell if she is as infatuated as he is. The newlyweds were likewise wrapped up in each other. Not literally, that would be inappropriate at a dinner party. But they pretty much were in their own conversation world. I really wanted Caroline to mingle, but she kept coming to talk to me. I was fine. I like observing better than interacting with strangers. 

Lizzie Bennett behaved decently. She was actually social and friendly, just like my first impression of her. She is very animated and is not afraid of stating her opinions and debating with people. It was actually interesting to hear her talking about the books she has read lately. I may have to read The Hunger Games. I had heard about the movie that came out a couple of months ago but I thought it was a teenage girl movie. Given Lizzie’s discussion of the books, I think I may read them myself.

May 16, 2012 

I am on my way to San Francisco. Caroline was bemoaning the fact that she is stuck in the middle of nowhere, and I get to experience civilization again. I am looking forward to having good coffee and going out for some good seafood. I am also looking forward to being by myself in my own home. Gigi is picking me up at the airport tonight and we will have dinner and catch up. I cannot wait to see her.

Tomorrow after the board meeting, Fitz and I are going to get something to eat. Brandon cannot come because he is going to one of his nephew’s Little League games. Fitz was glad to have an excuse not to go. I like to catch a baseball game every so often, but Fitz says Little League drags on and on.  
I picked up The Hunger Games at the airport shop. I am going to get started on it during the flight. Lizzie Bennett was saying that it is an interesting social commentary about a potential future if we had a totalitarian government and a continued penchant for reality shows. 

Later

It was good to see Gigi. She seemed happy to see me, too. We had a pleasant dinner with an excellent wine. The city is very busy too. I had forgotten what an annoyance all the traffic is. Gigi is her usual happy and bubbly self. It warms my heart to hear her so full of enthusiasm for the summer and for what is planned at Pemberly Digital. She wanted to know all of the news of the dinner party. She told me that I could have made more of an effort to converse with the group. I promised her that I would try to be more social the next time I had the opportunity.

She told me that the annoying co-worker who wouldn’t leave me alone has apparently started dating someone who is not in the company. I had noticed that I was not getting inappropriate communications from her lately and I had hoped my message had gotten through. Now I can quit worrying about seeing her at work. That is a relief.

We went for a walk after dinner and I have gotten out of shape for the hills. I wonder if I can get Bing to invest in some exercise equipment in order to train for hills while I am in the flatlands. 

My house feels very comfortable, and I am happy to be alone tonight. I have a few more details to attend to for the board meeting tomorrow, but I do not think it will take long. Then I will read some more. I haven’t read for pleasure in quite a while and I had forgotten how much I enjoy reading. I wonder if Lizzie Bennett would enjoy Dorothy Sayers. The Lord Peter mysteries are favorites of mine. It would be interesting to discuss them with her.


	12. Pool

May 17, 2012  
Today’s board meeting was an exercise in futility. I abhor those meetings where everyone has to talk and talk about things that do not matter, but everyone has to make sure that their voice is heard. I found my mind wandering much more than usual. The two issues that needed to be decided finally were, but we accomplished very little else. 

Fitz and I went out to a local bar and had dinner and played pool. I enjoyed the evening very much. Fitz is an easy person to be with and always makes me laugh. I remember all the time I spent playing pool in my childhood down in the basement. Father taught me to play, but he was often too busy to play with me so I would just play against myself. I practiced and practiced until I could hit exactly the shot that I wanted. I won 3 of 5 tonight so Fitz pays next time we go out.

Lizzie Bennett was talking about a billiards class she took in college. Apparently she needed a physical education credit and billiards fit into her schedule. The guys there were teasing her about being a pool shark, and she said that she enjoys playing. That is something else that Lizzie Bennett and I have in common besides reading.

I am tired and there is a full day of meetings for me at Pemberly tomorrow. I do not think I will be able to do any reading tonight.


	13. Perfume

May 20, 2012

I am in the airport waiting to head back to Bing’s house. It has been a hectic few days here in San Francisco. I spent most of my work time in meetings. They are a necessary evil, I suppose. In some ways I’m glad to be heading out where my meetings either have to be conference calls or conducted by e-mail.  
When I get back tonight, Caroline and Bing will be at the Bennett’s for dinner. I will have the house to myself for a while. That will be nice. They teased me that I was missing out on all the fun. I am just as glad to miss that fun. Mrs. Bennett is overwhelming and talks all the time about Jane “landing” Bing. She is vulgar. And the younger sister. Well. I’m glad she is not my sister.

Gigi and I had a good visit. We played some casual tennis. I told her we weren’t keeping score. And, if we were keeping score and she just happened to beat me, it is not surprising. She is practicing and has a coach and plays competitively. And, it isn’t seemly for a younger sister to crow over beating her brother. Despite that, it was fun. Then she made me dinner. Gourmet cook she is not, but she did serve an agreeable meal. I’m glad we have reached a point where we can enjoy each other and spend time together. Now that she is an adult and has come through that difficult time earlier this year, she is my friend as well as my little sister.

I also got a chance to go on a long bike ride. I am glad I am bringing my bicycle back with me. I look forward to more solitude.  
The woman sitting next to me has much too much perfume on and it is suffocating. Why do some women have to take over the world with their perfume? Lizzie Bennett has a nice subtle scent. I noticed it first when we were dancing at the wedding. I detected it again when I greeted her at dinner last week. It is a light floral scent, not roses or lilies. Violets maybe? I can’t place it. But it is nice, unlike this woman next to me. I am going to have to move my seat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sharing this story with me so far. It has been harder than I thought to fill out Darcy's life and show his (unconscious) growing interest in Lizzie. But it has been a lot of fun! I look forward to much more fun.


	14. Dancing

May 24, 2012   
Bing and Caroline prevailed upon me to meet them at Carter’s. Of course Jane & Lizzie Bennett and the younger sister and Charlotte Lu were there too. We all sat together, except for the younger sister who was off flaunting herself around the bar. Caroline was full of complaints about how unsophisticated Carter’s, the residents, indeed, the whole area is. Actually, I have been pleasantly surprised at how enjoyable the area has become. The climate is extremely pleasant and I have taken several walks around the neighborhood and even got one bike ride in since I got back from San Francisco. It is very nice not to be stuck in traffic all the time. 

Lizzie and Charlotte were discussing social media trends. I did not realize that Lizzie was in school for a Masters in Communications. I wanted to join the conversation, it was quite lively and interesting, but I was sitting too far away. That is another thing we have in common. I wonder if she knows what I do.

Bing was buzzed and wanted to play video games. Lizzie decided to play Just Dance. I thought it might be amusing to play, but she did not want anyone playing with her. I could see why. She is not the most graceful and coordinated dancer. But she did look like she was having fun.   
Jane certainly has many friends, especially male friends. She was glad to see everyone who stopped by the table to say hello. Bing did not seem upset by all the attention she was getting.

The younger sister caused a scene which effectively broke up the evening. Someone should do something with that girl. She is out of control. It is embarrassing to be even peripherally associated with her.

May 25, 2012

Caroline is in a peevish mood. She has snapped at me twice today and that is not like her. I wonder what is bothering her. I think I will just stay out her way for the rest of the day.

My aunt called today and lectured me about my responsibilities to the family. She thinks it is time I settled down and got married. She even suggested several suitable women. I told her that I would find my own wife, thank you.

I do feel my responsibility. My parents and grandparents worked hard to build something that will last and I want to maintain it and pass it on to my children. I just haven’t found anyone with whom I wish to spend my life. I want to marry for love as my parents did. But I’m certainly not going to date anyone my aunt sets me up with. When I find the one, I’ll know it. It will just happen naturally.

Maybe it would help if I made a list of qualities I’m looking for in a woman. First, she should be attractive and have a good sense of taste. It would be helpful if she is comfortable in social situations, but I do not want her to be too social; that would be disruptive to my life. She should enjoy reading and be athletic. A good dancer. She should not be afraid to have her own opinion. I am tired of women who always think everything I say is perfect. She should come from a good background and be comfortable in the circles I move in. Growing up in a well-to-do home is key. 

I wish I felt more comfortable in social situations. At least I am aware of how to behave appropriately in all circumstances. My parents raised me to be polite and to know how to conduct myself in society. Our family’s social obligations have always been an important part of our lives. Thus, I am always polite and well-mannered, but it is a chore and can be exhausting at times.

Maybe Gigi can help me. She is always meeting new people. It comes naturally to her. Although, I wonder if the subject of love and marriage will be too upsetting for her. She seems to be fine, back to her normal, happy self, but every so often I see sadness in her face. Sadness that wasn’t there last year before all the trouble. I hope that he comes by his just desserts. Nothing is too bad for him. If I feel this angry and betrayed, what must Gigi feel? I will talk with Gigi on this topic without addressing it directly. I wonder if our aunt called and lectured her. Probably not, Gigi is a lot younger than I am and still finishing school. I had better call and check on her anyway, just in case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember that, like Lizzie, Darcy may not be a completely accurate narrator, but unlike Lizzie, he never has anyone else appear in his diary. Of course, we have Lizzie's point of view from the videos to help flesh things out. I had fun with an unreliable account today.


	15. Better than Colin Firth

May 28, 2012

Today I went on a long bike ride and got caught in a rain shower towards the end of it. When I came in the house, I saw Caroline. I think she muttered something like, “…better than Colin Firth…” I do not think I will ever understand women.

Having my bike here has been great. I have been able to get out three times in the past week. It is a nice break from running every day and it has afforded me some time away from everyone. I might be overdosing on social interactions these days.

I have not been as productive with my work lately though. I need to buckle down and get more done. I have decided not to go out in the evenings because I think it is disrupting my schedule. 

Gigi e-mailed today and said that the new product is ready for testing, so she, Fitz and I will be doing that in the next few weeks. I am optimistic about the potential of this product. It is going to change the industry. 

Thankfully, Gigi is doing well. Aunt Catherine had not spoken with her about marriage. I made Gigi laugh with my description of my conversation with her. It seems that the subject of my potential marriage does not upset Gigi. She did tell me not to focus on marriage, but to find someone I was interested in and take it slowly. The problem is that I am not meeting suitable women here in the middle of nowhere and there has been no one that has interested me in a long time. Gigi says that when I get back to San Francisco, she will host a party. I suppose it is necessary for me to socialize in order to meet women, but I wish it came more easily to me.

May 29, 2012

I keep thinking about what Lizzie Bennett said about the trend in social media. I wish I could discuss it with her further. I think she may be on to something interesting and important. I will bring it up in my call with Fitz tomorrow and see what he thinks. I had texted him from Carter’s that night, but we have not discussed it yet. If she is right, Pemberly Digital should jump on it.

Lizzie Bennett is an interesting person. She is so petite, and yet she has a very large presence. She is very animated and sure of herself. Her whole face changes when she is debating with someone or advancing her opinion about something. I thought that her sister Jane was prettier than she, but Jane fades into the background when Lizzie is around. I find myself wondering what Lizzie would think of a project I am working on or what she is doing with her time this summer. 

May 30, 2012

I am still having difficulty concentrating on my work these days. I think I will go for a long bike ride later this afternoon. Maybe later I will suggest to Bing that we go out to Carter’s for a drink. We might run into the Bennett sisters there and then I might be able to discuss that trend with Lizzie. That would help my concentration, if I were able to converse with her.

The testing of our new product is going well. Fitz and I used it today for our call and, for the most part, it works as hoped. We did notice one or two bugs and I have been working on a report for the tech department. Usually, I am not this involved in the testing of new products. It is rather exciting. There are so many possible uses for this product. I hope it will be a significant success for Pemberly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been looking forward to posting this day for a while! I decided that LBD Darcy needed a wet shirt scene too.


	16. Wasted Evening

May 31, 2012

Did not see Lizzie Bennett at Carter’s last night. But Bing and I tried a new beer they had. It was not pleasing at all. Caroline told us that we are boring. She said I was not paying attention to them and looking around the bar or at my watch all night. She does complain a great deal about things. 

Bing complained last night too, which is not like him. He said he isn’t looking forward to going back to medical school in the fall, in fact he is dreading it. I told him that he has to focus and get back on track and it will be done before he knows it. Caroline told him that their parents would be crushed if he didn’t fulfill their dream for him. It was a waste of an evening.

June 3, 2012

Bing is more infatuated than ever. He and Jane have been seeing each other often. Bing is so happy. Jane seems to be happy with him, but she always seems to be happy. I cannot tell if she is as interested in Bing as he is in her. I hope he is not setting himself up for heartbreak.

Caroline has continued to be moody and demanding of my attention lately. She used to be independent and busy with her work. Now, she never seems to work and she is constantly asking me questions about everything and nothing. She tweets about Jane and Bing. She asks my opinion about decorating the house. She wants to know how my work is going. She will not leave me alone. Maybe she lost her job. That would explain the moodiness and the extra time she has now. 

It is almost time for Gigi to have her end of internship review. I am proud of her. She successfully proposed and was approved the schedule for fall semester in classes and spring semester internship for her last two years of college. I must admit it has been great having her at Pemberly full time. And though she was rather dependent upon me in the beginning of the semester, she has really stepped up while I have been here at Bing’s. She shows good judgment and an intuitive grasp of the business, which isn’t surprising since she has been raised to it. I will have to remember to tell her how proud I am. I talked to Walter, who will be doing her review, and he is pleased as well. I will miss having her around in the fall, but she will be back in the spring semester.


	17. Swimming

June 4, 2012

The town is hosting some kind of swimming competition. The main street and downtown are overrun with visitors. I have been avoiding the area. At one time, Gigi might be coming here to compete, but, because of him, she gave up swimming. That is one more unforgiveable consequence to his perfidy. Gigi is doing very well in tennis, but swimming was her first love. 

Before my runs, I have been taking walks around the neighborhood. The neighborhood is interesting and eclectic and many of the gardens are lovely. It is quite relaxing to walk through sleepy streets without the hustle and bustle of the city. I have not seen Lizzie Bennett, but I did see Jane in front of their house yesterday. These walks extend my time out of the house and away from Caroline, which is good for my mood.

Bing is taking my advice and putting in an exercise room. Well, Caroline is doing the actual work, but Bing agreed with me that we needed one. There is a room in the basement that will be perfect. Caroline is debating paint colors and Bing and I will drive to the nearest sporting goods store and purchase the equipment. That is not something we are leaving to Caroline. I wonder how far it will be to the nearest sporting goods store.

June 5, 2012

I finished The Hunger Games. It was an interesting series. Very brutal and disturbing. But I rather liked the end. There was hope there, even though Katniss and Peeta would always be scarred by what they had been through. Now I understand what Lizzie was talking about at the dinner party.


	18. Video Game

June 7, 2012

Bing tried to teach me a video game tonight. I thought that since video game playing is popular here, I ought to be more knowledgeable about them. Caroline thought it was hilarious. I was seriously contemplating putting her physically out of the room, but she brought herself under control. I did not need her distraction. Playing video games is not as easy as it looks. Maybe Lizzie Bennett is not as uncoordinated as I thought.

It was good to relax this evening. Lately, work has been heating up. There are several major projects proceeding at Pemberly and it seems as if I am always in a strategic planning conference call or putting out fires, or talking to investors—both current and potential. We are hoping to increase Pemberly’s profile in the industry and it all seems to be coming together at the same time. Thankfully, it is mostly going very well. But there is quite a lot of extra work. 

I have not been out on my bike in a while. With the town so full, I have not felt like venturing out on the roads. Also, I have not had as much free time. Of course, I keep running in the park and walking around the neighborhood. The exercise equipment should be installed in the next few days. Caroline says that the painters are almost done in that room. 

June 8, 2012

I can’t stop thinking about marriage, but I am trying to take Gigi’s advice and focus on finding someone first. :-) There has to be something more to my life. I wish I could find someone who was interested in me and not in what I do. I would like to be a part of a couple. Bing has been so happy since meeting Jane. It seems like they are connected. I’m jealous. Did I just say that? This train of thought is going nowhere. Time for a run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today is my birthday, so if you have any nice things to say about my story, that would be a terrific birthday present!


	19. Financial Difficulties

June 11, 2012

Bing let it slip that Jane’s family is in financial difficulties. Apparently, she has defaulted on her student loans and her parents are also worried about making their mortgage payments. I own I am disappointed in Jane. People should be fiscally responsible and not accrue debt that they cannot repay. It is not that hard to stay within a budget. One reason the economy is doing poorly is because of irresponsible spending and running up debts by many people. I am sorry to hear that Jane’s family is negligent with their finances. Mrs. Bennett’s intense interest and glee in Jane’s relationship with Bing is also more understandable given their pecuniary hardships.

Bing has more big plans for next weekend. He made me promise not to hide away. This social whirl is starting to get to me, especially since Caroline keeps invading my privacy throughout the day. I am very busy with work and need uninterrupted time to accomplish the myriad tasks I have, but she will not leave me alone. I do not care what color the guest rooms are painted or what color towels would be best in what bathroom. 

I have to get out of here for a while. I’ll go to LA for the weekend and go to an art museum and maybe a concert. I’ll have to see what is playing. I will be glad to be by myself and relax with fine art and music.

June 12, 2012

I called Gigi and asked her to come to LA for the weekend. I want to get away from the demands here, but I kept thinking that sharing the weekend with someone special would be ideal. Unfortunately, I do not have a girlfriend to ask, but I do have my sister. She cannot get away for the whole weekend, but she did say she would fly down for the day on Saturday. We will go to the art museum and there is an orchestral performance that evening. I made reservations at one of our favorite restaurants for dinner. I am feeling better already.

Caroline asked me to install the surround sound system in the lounge. She finally has completed decorating in there and is ready for the finishing touches. She knows that I enjoy installing and working with equipment and I do not get much chance to do that anymore. I told her that I needed complete quiet in order to concentrate and she and Bing left me alone for the whole evening. It was one of the best evenings I’ve had in a while. I put in my Secret Sisters CD to check the sound, and it was great, if I do say so myself. There is something about their music that makes me feel relaxed and content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my husband who helped me make Darcy sound like a financial snob today.


	20. Los Angeles

June 14, 2012

Bing purchased a bike and has already joined me on one of my rides this week. It was great to get him away from his sister and his girlfriend and just be the two of us for a while. I, of course, beat him. He is promising all sorts of revenge. 

Fitz is travelling so most of my contact with him lately has been by e-mail. It is a good thing he likes to travel so much, because he is invaluable in what he does for Pemberly. I miss talking to him, though. He has a way of lightening my spirits with his hilarity. 

June 15, 2012

Am on my way to LA. Had the driver pick me up so I can work until we get there. I’ll meet Gigi’s plane in the morning and we’ll go straight to the museum from there. I am very much looking forward to the weekend.

Later

The hotel room is quiet and comfortable and I accomplished a good amount of work on the way here. I am not planning to look at work again until Monday. 

I’m glad Gigi is joining me this weekend. I have been thinking about our parents a great deal lately. I miss them. Gigi cannot remember our mother; she died when I was 12 and Gigi was only 3. Father died ten years later and it has been hard trying to be there for Gigi. I know there have been other relatives and friends who have stepped up to help, but I feel responsible for her. I am the oldest and it is up to me to protect her and make sure she is alright. I don’t ever want to let her down again. She tells me that I didn’t let her down, but I should have seen. I should have been there before things got out of hand and she was hurt so badly. 

Enough of this. I am here for a relaxing, amusing weekend. I am not going to rake up the past and feel bad all over again. I need something mindless to do before bed. I know, Sudoku.


	21. New Book

June 18, 2012

We had a fantastic weekend. Gigi was in a great mood and I was very glad to see her. The museum was excellent. We both appreciated the new exhibit. We went shopping after the museum and Gigi made me buy a whole outfit: black pants, black vest, gray shirt and charcoal gray tie. She told me I look hot in it, but what does she know? I “helped” Gigi pick out clothes too. Mostly I told her she looked nice, but one thing she tried on made her look cheap, so I told her not to get it. It was enjoyable. We laughed a lot and I feel like I know Gigi even better now.

She wants to get a cat. I was unsure because of the responsibility of having pets and how busy she is, but she assured me that cats are very independent and do not need as much attention as dogs. She looked pensive and said she would like to have a pet to come home to. Of course, then I completely supported her, and her plan is to go to the shelter sometime this week and see if they have anything suitable. 

Gigi brought me a book to read. The Fault in our Stars by John Green. She made me promise to read it, although I do not think a book about teenage cancer patients is my thing. But, I promised Gigi and so I will. I also promised that I would take good care of her book and give it back to her. It is a signed copy.

Bing is out with Jane tonight and I am hiding in my room so I can be alone.

June 20, 2012

Bing’s party is looming. I am tempted to leave town again, but I said I would be there, so I will be there. The house is full of cleaners, decorators, caterers talking to Caroline. I have been working in my room since the hustle and bustle in the rest of the house is not conducive to productivity.

Lately, I have picked up a whole lot of new Twitter followers. Some of them ask me strange personal questions. I am not really sure what is going on. Perhaps it has to do with the higher profile of Pemberly recently. I am definitely ignoring personal questions though. That is just weird.


	22. Loneliness

June 21, 2012

I have been asked to facilitate a panel at VidCon, but I think I will send Walter instead. I had not thought to attend VidCon this year. Walter is better at networking and mingling than I am anyway, and it will be better for Pemberly if he is there to push our new directions. A benefit of being the boss is that sometimes I can bow out of things I do not wish to do, but actually, other times I’m stuck. At least in this situation, I can get out of it.

Fitz obtained 3 tickets to the baseball game next week. I am going to take the opportunity to visit San Francisco and attend the game with him and Brandon. That will give me an opportunity to be in the offices for a couple of days and see Gigi too. Going to sporting events with Fitz and Brandon is always amusing. Brandon takes sports very seriously and Fitz does not. They are their own dog and pony show.

June 22, 2012

I just talked with Gigi. She said I sounded lonely. I was incredulous. How can I be lonely? I am surrounded by people and my social life is packed. She said that being around people does not mean I can’t be lonely. She said that I do not have anyone to share myself with except for her and she doesn’t count since she’s my sister. I, of course, told her that she counts a great deal to me. I love Gigi and I enjoy talking to her and spending time with her. 

Am I lonely? Most of the time it seems that I am trying to avoid people. But perhaps that nagging feeling that my life is empty, that there must be more, perhaps that is loneliness. Is there a perfect partner for everyone? Will I ever meet the one? Too bad there is not a search engine that can answer these questions.


	23. Party

June 24, 2012

Bing’s party was big. And long. And loud. And Jane was still here when I came down for breakfast this morning. Bing said they stayed up all night talking. I might get sick. Bing is completely out of control. Yes, Jane is beautiful and amiable, but Bing has a sickly sweet smile on his face all the time and only one topic of conversation. I am avoiding him.

But, he and Caroline should be proud. The party was a clear success. I enjoyed the catering, although the sushi was not very popular with the locals. There were so many people here that I could fade into the background.

Lizzie Bennett did not fade into the background. She was wearing a pretty ruffled black dress. She certainly was very social and animated. It seemed like she knew everyone there. It is interesting how her eyes light up when she is telling a story.

I am going on a bike ride. Caroline is trying to get things in order because the cleaners are not coming until tomorrow and I do not want to be appropriated to help. 

June 27, 2012

In the airport waiting for my flight to San Francisco. The game is tomorrow night. The Giants look good this year so far. Trying to get some reports filed today, so I can concentrate on other things at Pemberly tomorrow. I am grateful that the Board decided not to have summer meetings. Vacation from board meetings is a good thing.


	24. Blind Date

June 29, 2012

I am about to meet Gigi to go have dinner at her apartment. It is good to be back in San Francisco. Although, I get just as many interruptions here as I do at Netherfield. They are just a different kind. There I have to hear about how wonderful Jane Bennett is or how rustic the town is. Here I have people popping into my office all the time with “a quick question.”

The game was exciting last night. Being with Fitz & Brandon was as entertaining as I expected. But nothing could break Brandon’s good mood after that win. Even Fitz’s constant needling didn’t faze him last night. I thanked Fitz for obtaining the tickets for us. 

June 30, 2012

I met Gigi’s cat. He is an orange and white, slightly long-haired cat. His name is Mr. Knightley, but she always calls him My Mr. Knightley. I thought it was a strange name for a cat, but she said it was from one of her favorite Jane Austen books. She has been trying to get me to read Jane Austen for the past few years, but I know they are not the kind of books I would like.

Gigi asked my advice about her fall semester classes and the paper she is writing about her internship at Pemberly this past semester. I am glad that I could help her out. It is hard to believe that my little sister will be graduated from college by this time next year. She told me that she wants to take some time off before going to graduate school. She wants to work at Pemberly for a while. She gave several reasons why she thought that was a good idea, and, I have to say, she convinced me. So, that will be the plan. I will talk to Walter and Fitz about it and we will plan for something interesting for her to do.

But I am not happy with Gigi right now. She arranged a blind date for me and is forcing me to go on it. I had a serious discussion with her about it. She was not at all remorseful and lectured me on the impossibility of finding a girlfriend if I never dated any women. I date women. Occasionally. She said I never bring any girls home. I asked her if she thinks I have a secret parade of casual lovers. She ought to know me better than that. If I ever find someone who touches my heart, I will tell Gigi. But, I’m careful. After that fiasco with A., I want to be really sure about someone before letting myself go.


	25. Consulting

July 1, 2012

So, Gigi set me up with M. for a dinner date. We went to one of my favorite restaurants. M. was attractive in a polished, studied kind of way, but the date was a disaster. Gigi asked me what was wrong. Everything. M. was tedious. She pried into my life with all kinds of questions. And then she went into a monologue about teaching kindergarten and how cute the kids are. She was a dull and uninteresting speaker. There was no spark. She thought I was funny when I disagreed with her. Kept saying, “You don’t mean that.” Yes. I meant that. I could not get rid of her fast enough, although, as I assured Gigi, I was very polite and gentlemanly.

Gigi told me she is planning to take a trip to Europe with some friends next month before classes start. She seemed excited and was full of their plans. They have not fully decided exactly where they will be going, but Gigi said that Barcelona was going to be the first stop. It will be good for her to get away and have a fun time with her friends.

They are about to call my flight back to Los Angeles. I am planning to read that book from Gigi. She was not pleased that I hadn’t opened it yet.

Later

Wow. That book was good. I cannot believe that I actually had tears in my eyes. I’m not going to tell Gigi that. I will tell her that I liked it and I am glad she gave it to me. But I think I do feel lonely now.

July 2, 2012

I did not think I would enjoy journaling or that it would be easy for me. But I have found that it is easier than I thought and oddly soothing. It is like I have a confidante without having to have that person respond to me or give me advice. That is pleasant. Sometimes it feels good to write about a complex conundrum I am dealing with or just share good news outside my head. Sometimes the best way to make sense of a problem is to write it down. 

July 3, 2012

Aunt Catherine called again. I was tempted not to answer, but she would just have called back every 15 minutes until I picked up. She instructed me to come out and consult and advise a new web video company in which she has invested. I put her off. The last thing I want to do is spend more time with Aunt Catherine. She also took the opportunity to push marriage again. She seems to think Caroline is a good choice. Really? Caroline is a good friend, but she is just the sister of one of my best friends. She is very nice and hospitable, but she has been micro-managing Bing’s life as long as I have known her. I do not think she has any romantic inclination towards me. I certainly do not toward her.

I am planning to ask Gigi if I can lend The Fault in our Stars to Bing. Since it is about cancer patients and he is in medical school, I think he would like it.


	26. Fireworks

July 4, 2012

I managed to get some work in today despite Bing’s big plans. Bing came home and announced that Jane and Lizzie Bennett would be staying at Netherfield for a while. Apparently, the Bennett’s house is being remodeled and they need to vacate it while the work is being done. Because their alternative living arrangements meant Jane was going to be much farther from work, he invited her to stay here and she wanted Lizzie to come too. Did Jane think she needed a chaperone or something? Can she do nothing without her sister tagging along? Bing is on top of the world. I am wondering why we need any more people staying here.

Caroline has had cleaners going over the house and has been going over menus with the chef. It has been completely disruptive to any peace in the house and I can only imagine what it will be like when the Bennett sisters arrive. Well, my work will not wait, so I will just have to manage somehow, but I am sure I’ll be working in my room in order to have quiet and privacy.

Why would the Bennetts embark on an extensive and expensive remodel when they are having financial difficulties? This is just the sort of irresponsible behavior that I abhor. People should be fiscally responsible. It is very simple and easy. I wonder why so many people cannot live by it.

The fireworks tonight were very loud. 

July 5, 2012

Talked to Fitz about going to Buenos Aires with me next month. I still need to get there and deal with the details about the house. We can take care of some business at the same time. Fitz seems interested, but is going to check with Brandon. I told Fitz he was lucky Brandon works for himself and is able to travel with Fitz so much. Fitz is lucky he met someone who complements him so well. Fitz & Brandon bring out the best in each other, even when they are teasing each other unmercifully. I hope Brandon can come to Buenos Aires. 

Lizzie Bennett and Jane will be moving in soon. I may be able to talk to Lizzie about social media trends finally. I wonder if she will be interested in what directions Pemberly is moving. Of course, I cannot tell her about Pemberly’s projects. They are highly protected secrets right now.


	27. A Little Too Crowded

July 8, 2012

The Bennett sisters are here. It is strange sharing living space with two women I do not know very well. It is a little uncomfortable in the morning. Fortunately, Jane is focused on getting to work and Lizzie does not seem to be a morning person. She rarely speaks at the breakfast table. I overheard her saying to Caroline that she needs her coffee in the morning before she feels human. Jane is gone all day, and so far, Lizzie has seemed to be busy as well. Perhaps it will not be as bad as I thought.

Fitz said that he and Brandon are in for the trip to Buenos Aires. I will talk to my secretary about making the arrangements for next month. I have not been there in quite a while and I am feeling a sense of anticipation about the trip. 

July 11, 2012

This is a big house, but it may be a little too crowded with the extra guests. The only place I am guaranteed to be by myself is in my bedroom and bathroom. There always seems to be someone somewhere in the house. And, even if no one is in a room, I can tell Lizzie has just been in the library when I go in because her scent lingers. I still cannot place what flower it is, but it is very pleasing. 

Jane is sick. Bing says she just has a bad cold, but she hasn’t been going to work and has been staying upstairs resting. Bing is distracted and has been spending time with Jane so she does not feel lonely. 

The good news is that Caroline and Lizzie seem to be getting along very well. They converse about many things and leave me to my work. Caroline definitely seems happier than she was. And, she has been working again, so perhaps she did not lose her job, she just needed a friend.

Lizzie is a great reader. She was telling Caroline about Anna Karenina last night. She is passionate about good literature and that we all have a responsibility to read it. Apparently there is a movie coming out this year based on the book. Lizzie was skeptical about whether the movie would be a good adaptation. I never did read Tolstoy. I looked in Bing’s library and found a copy of the book, so I will read it and decide whether Lizzie is right. 

Bing’s library is interesting. He bought it along with the house. The husband died and the wife was moving to a smaller place closer to her children and she could not bring away all of the books. They had built the library shelves especially to house their collection. It is quite comprehensive. Bing has been reading books from the thriller/spy fiction section. There is even a collection of romance novels, which seems out of place among the serious literature and nonfiction that makes up the bulk of the library.


	28. Nevermore

July 12, 2012

Lizzie Bennett also likes poetry. She was reciting Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven” last night for Caroline. She was very expressive and her eyes sparkle when she recites. I used to like poetry in school. I may look and see what the library has in the way of poetry. I remember one of my favorite poems when I was younger was Boy in the Window by Richard Wilbur. Somehow I related to that poem. I always seemed to be looking out the window at the rest of the world. I had a wonderful family and upbringing, and yet, I never felt like I belonged to the social group.

Caroline and Lizzie spend the evenings talking to each other or Lizzie reads and Caroline works. It is refreshing to have a woman I don’t know well not ask me a lot of prying questions. 

I have been running or cycling and working out almost every day. With so many people in the house, physical activity helps me relax. I seem to come back from a run or bike ride at the same time that Lizzie returns to the house after her activities of the day. I wonder what she keeps so busy with every day.

July 15, 2012

Lizzie is a good storyteller. It seems that she can turn anything into an amusing story. Tonight she was telling about a visit to Carter’s when all of the swimmers were in town. She did not have a very good impression of their intelligence or manners. She also does a very funny impression of her mother.

Gigi called and asked my advice about where to go in Italy. I suggested Florence, which is my favorite city in Italy. I take pleasure in all of the magnificent art and architecture. Even the sunlight there seems more beautiful than in other cities. But Gigi said they wanted to go somewhere different, where it was not all about art. So I suggesting hiking in Cinque Terre or getting a villa and staying at Lake Como. Biking around Lake Como is outstanding. She was thrilled with those ideas. Glad I could help.

July 16, 2012

I went to the bookstore today and browsed. I found a book for Gigi before she leaves for her trip. Stuff Parisians Like by Olivier Magny. I remember going to O Chateau when I was in Paris last and will have to remember to tell Gigi to go there too. I also purchased two sets of the game Bananagrams because it is easily portable and Gigi can take it on her trip. Since we both like Scrabble, I think we might enjoy this game.


	29. Love Poetry

July 17, 2012

After reading modern young adult fiction, Tolstoy is a somewhat more difficult. But Lizzie is right; the writing is superb and the story is compelling. I am finding myself reading at every opportunity. I am determined to finish this book.

Jane says she is still not feeling well. Bing is going out of his way to make sure she has everything she could want or need. I wonder if she is really sick, or if this is a ploy to keep Bing dancing attendance on her. I wish I felt more comfortable that Jane has real feelings for Bing and is not just using him for his position and money. Bing and I are in similar positions. Is it going to be impossible to find someone who wants us for ourselves rather than for what we can give her? Maybe if I find someone with her own money and position, I can be sure she does not want me just for that.

I am planning to start serious training for a triathlon. There is one in November in Arizona. Since I am already biking and running, I can easily add the swimming component. I can use the university pool. Brandon has been on my case to do one and it seems to be the right time. I will see if he will do it with me. 

Later

Fitz just called and there is a problem at Pemberly. He says he has it under control, but I need to get up to speed with what is going on. I hope he is as on top of things as he thinks.

July 18, 2012

Worked hard on the problem at work all day. On the phone much of the day with Fitz, Walter, and the rest of the team. We have a plan of action, and there is plenty to do. Bing would not let me work all evening though. He said everyone needs a break or they will get stale and make mistakes. It was easier to give in and go downstairs with him than try to argue. Sometimes Bing can be very hard-headed.

Lizzie and I talked about poetry last night. She said nothing was more efficacious in driving away love than poetry. I responded that I had thought that poetry is the food of love. She replied that if a love was strong and true that may be the case, but if the feeling was only a thin sort of inclination she is convinced that one good sonnet will starve it entirely away. That was funny. Lizzie likes to joke and has a delightful sense of humor.

It reminded me that my favorite sonnet by Shakespeare is number 130. I like the fact that he does not flatter his love by comparing her to incomparable natural beauty because that seems false. He just states that he loves her and she is beautiful to him whether or not she can put coral or roses to shame. There is that saying, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” I have often noticed that when one loves, one thinks the object of one’s love is more beautiful than do others who do not love. That is especially true with newborn babies. Who but parents think newborns are beautiful?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to give a shout-out to my father who has been reading Darcy Diary and taking the time to comment on it both here and personally. He is a Pride and Prejudice fan and a Lizzie Bennet Diaries fan. Flan Deerfield, thanks for your support and for your thoughtfulness, even though you are wrong about the 2005 P&P movie.


	30. Attraction

July 19, 2012

Last night I was playing Bananagrams with Caroline and Bing and Lizzie was reading. Bing stated that he thought all of the women here are very together. I joked that women are considered together if they go to the gym twice a week and know how to tip a waiter. Lizzie picked up on that and asked what I considered necessary qualities in a woman that had it together. I thought about it and listed several. She seemed incredulous and asked how many women I knew who typified this ideal. When, I responded about a half dozen, she retorted that she was amazed I knew even one woman with those qualities. She is modest, although she does not have all of the characteristics I mentioned, she does have many of them. I suppose she is not used to moving in the circles in which I move, which may account for her not knowing many accomplished women. 

July 20, 2012

Tonight we went out to dinner as a household, Bing’s treat. Jane is feeling better, so Bing wanted to celebrate. We had a very pleasant evening. Talk around the table ranged from our favorite books from childhood, if we were an animal, what animal would we be (I did not answer that one), Jane’s career goals, and where we would go on overseas trip. Lizzie said she would go to England. She said she has always felt an affinity for that country. I do like England. We had many enjoyable trips to see our relatives there. I always liked the times we spent in the country more than the times we visited the cities. There is something timeless and serene about the English countryside.

I discovered that Lizzie and her friends from school have a standing date at Carter’s for Thursday evenings. They always meet around 8:30 and spend the evening there.

July 21, 2012

Bing said something to me yesterday that startled me. He asked what was going on with me and Lizzie. He could tell I was surprised and said that I am always looking at her. I thought about it and went back and read through my journal and discovered that I talk about Lizzie a great deal. But am I attracted to her? She is an interesting person and I enjoy being around her, but that does not necessarily mean that I am interested in her romantically. On the other hand, I find myself looking for her around the house and thinking about her. But she is unsuitable. All of the things that are objectionable in Jane as a suitable partner for Bing are present in Lizzie too. Her family’s financial difficulties, her odd father, her embarrassing mother and younger sister, her lack of familiarity with the society in which I have lived my whole life. It doesn’t bear thinking of. 

I’m going for a bike ride. I think better when I’m riding.

Later

Lizzie is a very interesting and attractive person, and if I were not so aware of what is important to me in a girlfriend and potential wife, I may be in danger of falling for her. As it is, I am sure I can just enjoy her company and say goodbye with no regrets when she leaves Netherfield and I move back to San Francisco. Men and women can enjoy each other’s company and be interested in each other without having to have it be romantic. And since Bing is infatuated, he tends to see love everywhere. I have nothing to worry about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I’m thanking people, I should thank Roe Manetti who challenged me to write something for each of the days of the 100 days of re-watching LBD coordinated by the Socially Awkward Darcy FB page. The idea took root, and although I was (and still am) unsure that I can pull this off, I’ve been having so much fun. Thanks, Roe!


	31. Winetasting

July 23, 2012

I have had much to do at Pemberly lately, but Bing insists that I take breaks. He told me that I must join the company after dinner every evening. Unfortunately, lately I have had to work in the evenings and that does not work out so well in the lounge with everyone around. To be fair, Lizzie and Jane do not disturb me, but Caroline is constantly chatting and interrupting and asking me questions. She shouldn’t feel the need to play hostess with me, I’ve been living here long enough. But, then Bing also joins in the barrage, “Come on, man, stop working, you need to take more time off.” And things like that. My work is important and I do take time off, but sometimes things come up that have to be taken care of right away. I may have to be rude if I cannot finish my work before the evening next time.

Bing also badgered me into going wine tasting with everyone yesterday. At the last minute, Lizzie decided not to go with us. I was afraid Caroline would be disappointed but she seemed to be in a great mood. Bing and Jane were in their own little world throughout the day and, although Caroline was pleasant company, I was bored and restless. There was so much needing my attention at work, I had a hard time keeping my mind on frivolous activities. I wonder what Lizzie was doing that she could not come on the outing. It was probably good that she did not come along, since Bing is convinced I am attracted to her. On the other hand, she is an interesting companion. No, all in all, it is better that she stayed at home.

July 24, 2012

I have not talked to Gigi in a while because I’ve been busy and she has too. She leaves soon for her European trip. I will have to find time to talk to her before then. She did tweet today and said she was doing well. She is taking an English Literature class in the fall and spending time this summer reading ahead for it. She is trying to get me to read Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, and William Thackeray. But I told her that I am not interested in that sort of book. Besides I am trying to finish Anna Karenina and it is going more slowly than I had hoped. Of course, I am working a lot and having to socialize more than usual, so I have not had much time for reading lately. 

Gigi also mentioned that she has many new twitter followers. Perhaps they are also because of Pemberly and the Darcy name. I told her to ignore the impertinent personal questions. I have given her talks about privacy and security on the internet and twitter. She assures me that she is aware of that and responsible. 

Bing and I went to Carter’s last night. Lizzie was there with her friends, but we did not interact. It was a chance for me to see Bing without Jane or Caroline being around. Those times are getting few and far between. Bing has not even wanted to go biking lately because he has been worried about Jane’s health. Now that she is feeling better, I’ll have to get him back out there.

Speaking of biking, my triathlon training is going well. I had forgotten how much I enjoy swimming. The ugliness of Gigi’s troubles had turned me off from swimming for a while, but I’m glad I’m back to it. I do not want to lose anything else to that clown basket. I hope this trip will wipe away the rest of Gigi’s sadness and regret. We need to put that whole episode in the past and move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, I couldn’t ask for better sisters. They read my entries and offer advice, suggestions, and tons of support. I love them all!


	32. A Turn about the Room

July 26, 2012

There was an uncomfortable interlude last evening. I was working in the lounge with Caroline talking at me, as usual, when Lizzie came into the room. She was going to read, but Caroline invited her to walk around the room. I looked up and Caroline invited me to join them. I declined because I could see that their motives were one of two: either to discuss secret affairs, or in order to draw my attention. When Caroline questioned me as to what I meant, I stated that if their intent was the first, I should be completely in the way, and if it was the second, I could admire them much better from where I sat. There was some banter about the best way to punish me and Lizzie said they should tease me and laugh at me. Caroline demurred, and Lizzie started to list my faults. She teased about my vanity and pride. Vanity is a weakness indeed, but where there is a real superiority of mind, pride is earned. I owned that I had a short temper and that my good opinion once lost is lost forever. Lizzie exclaimed that to be unforgiving and hate everyone is a real defect, and I responded that she continually intentionally misunderstands people. At this point, Caroline interrupted and we had no more discussion. 

It was stimulating trading barbs with Lizzie, but I wish she would not exaggerate her positions so greatly. Sometimes it can be disconcerting.

July 27, 2012

Today I am not writing about Lizzie Bennett. I am not going to think about her.

I called Gigi, she leaves in a few days. She is busy with planning and packing. They will be gone three weeks and return right before classes start. I reminded her to be careful with her passport and other valuables. Although she has traveled overseas before, this is the first time she has gone with friends and without an older more experienced guide. I hope she will be safe. She laughed and told me I was like a mother hen and not to worry about her, but I think that is impossible. I do hope she has fun, but I cannot help worrying about her. She promised to e-mail or call every day. Fitz & Brandon are going to take care of Mr. Knightley for her. I almost called him My Mr. Knightley here. Gigi is rubbing off on me. I will never hear the end of it if I slip and call her cat that in front of her.

Fitz is doing well and he also told me not to worry about Gigi. He had talked to her about safety and security too. I know Gigi means a lot to Fitz as well, and he has her interests at heart. But he is more happy-go-lucky than I am. Easy for him to say not to worry. Sometimes it is difficult being the one in charge. If either or both of our parents was still alive, I would not feel the weight of this responsibility. I miss them more than I can say.

Time for a swim and then a run. I need to stop thinking about all of these complicated matters.


	33. Lizzie, Do You Want to Get Your Groove Thing On?

July 30, 2012

Not thinking about Lizzie is not going very well. First of all, she is living in the same house as I am. And, thus I see her several times a day. And she just has a way of intruding on my thoughts. Her bold opinions and amusing stories remain with me and I find myself pondering them when I should be working. The other night, we were talking about dancing and dance music, but she must have been in a bad mood, because she did not join the conversation much. And then she said I only asked her questions so I could despise her choices and hate her. As if anyone could hate her. There is a certain sweetness, animation, and playfulness in her manner that is endearing. 

Bing & I are planning to go to Carter’s again tonight. It worked out really well last week and we both enjoyed the time without the women around.

July 31, 2012

Bing and Jane went to dinner tonight, so Lizzie, Caroline and I are left at home. Caroline said dinner will be in an hour and then she is planning to watch the Olympics. I am going to take the opportunity to catch up on my work. I do not know what Lizzie is planning to do with herself. 

I wonder if I have given Lizzie the impression that I am interested in her. If Bing was wondering, perhaps she is too. I would not want to give her the wrong idea, since I would never wish to be involved with her. I think I need to make it very clear that I am not attracted to her, in order that there is no misunderstanding. 

I read this poem earlier today and it made me think about how words and actions are not always interpreted the way the speaker or actor intends.

A Fable by Richard Wilbur

Securely sunning in a forest glade,   
A mild, well-meaning snake  
Approved the adaptations he had made  
For safety’s sake.

He liked the skin he had—  
Its mottled camouflage, its look of mail,  
And was content that he had thought to add  
A rattling tail.

The tail was not for drumming up a fight;  
No, nothing of the sort.  
And he would only use his poisoned bite  
As last resort.

A peasant now drew near,  
Collecting wood; the snake, observing this,  
Expressed concern by uttering a clear  
But civil hiss.

The simple churl, his nerves at once unstrung,   
Mistook the other’s tone  
And dashed his brains out with a deftly-flung  
Pre-emptive stone.

Moral

Security, alas, can give  
A threatening impression;  
Too much defense-initiative  
Can prompt aggression.


	34. Moodiness

August 2, 2012

Gigi left for Europe today. I hope everything goes smoothly and she is safe. And that she enjoys herself.

Bing is moody. Actually, everyone is moody. Jane seems scattered and distracted. Caroline is fussing about meals and clean house and what people are doing in the evenings. Lizzie seems irritable and more withdrawn. It has been a long time to have guests in the house and we are all feeling the strain. Lizzie keeps saying that any day they are going to leave but they haven’t so far.

Later

Well. Jane & Lizzie Bennett have left Netherfield and moved back to their home. Apparently, Jane went over to the house earlier today and the contractor was doing the final inspection. They lost no time in packing up and leaving. It will be good to have the house back to ourselves.

August 5, 2012

In some ways, it is good to have the house back. I am enjoying the quiet in the mornings. The feeling of space makes the house feel calm and peaceful. But it is rather flat in the evenings. Bing is moping around. I can tell he misses Jane, even though he can still talk to her and see her as often as he wants. Maybe she was tired of seeing him so much and that is why she was so eager to get home. 

Gigi called and said that Barcelona was incredible. They are on their way to Italy next. She sounds happy and bubbly.


	35. Night Ride

August 6, 2012

I arranged for Bing, Caroline and me to go to Carter’s tonight to get out of the house and try to cheer Bing up. We saw Lizzie and her friends, but Jane was not there, so Bing was unhappy. I do not think it helped that Caroline kept talking about how much she enjoyed having the house to ourselves again. She is back to complaining about everything these days: guests overstaying their welcome, lack of exciting places to go out, lack of good restaurants, lack of good society. I wish she would try to be satisfied with where we are right now.

Lizzie looked good. I miss seeing her each day. She kept things interesting at home. With her playfulness and storytelling and strong opinions, I never knew exactly what was going to happen when she was around. That was somewhat uncomfortable, but mostly exhilarating. And she is pretty. Her skin is so creamy and looks so soft. 

Finally finished Anna Karenina. It was magnificent. And it was difficult. And it made me think about love and what love is. And what really is the purpose of life. All these thoughts are swirling around in my head. It will take some time for them to settle, I’m sure. I picked up a biography of Tolstoy to read next. I would like to know more about the man who managed to capture the complexity of that story in such a brilliant manner.

August 7, 2012

Finally talked Bing into going out biking with me again. We went on a night ride and it was very relaxing and fun. Even Bing was laughing and having a good time. Too bad he refuses to train for the triathlon with me.

I purchased tickets for Twelfth Night at the local Shakespeare Festival next weekend. One of my favorite Shakespeare comedies, I am looking forward to seeing it again. I am thankful my parents introduced me to Shakespeare plays early by having me see them before I read them in school. Nothing can compare to seeing the plays, although I do not prefer the modern adaptation of the classics that seem to be so popular these days.


	36. Brazilians

August 9, 2012

Today I tweeted about the Beunos Aires trip. Numerous women from Brazil responded that I should come to Brazil. Why do they want me to come to Brazil? What is it about Pemberly Digital that would particularly interest women in Brazil? People on the internet are very strange.

Biography is too dry to read more than a chapter after a long day of work. I decided to try my luck in Bing’s library where I found a whole section of British detective fiction. I picked up a Ngaio (I wonder how you pronounce that) Marsh and a P.D. James. I think I’ll start with the Marsh, it looks interesting. She lived around the same time as Dorothy Sayers whose detective fiction I enjoy. 

Everything at Pemberly is going remarkably smoothly at the moment. It does appear that I will be needed more often in the LA offices for the foreseeable future. We have decided to expand our operations in LA and I will be spearheading that effort. Fortunately, it is not too far from here, although if I can convince Bing to move back to LA, it would be much more convenient.

Thankfully Gigi is continuing to enjoy herself and nothing is going wrong, that she is telling me. Would she keep something from me? I do not think so. She always tells me not to worry about her, but I think she would let me know if she needed help. I think this trip has been very good for her so far. Her e-mails and calls are exuberant and full of the new and interesting things she is doing.

August 11, 2012

I thought if Lizzie Bennett was not living here, I would not think about her so much. But that does not seem to be the case. I find myself thinking about Lizzie a great deal and it is disconcerting. I do not wish to think about her any more. She is not suitable as a long-term partner and I am not interested in a casual lover, even if I thought that Lizzie Bennett was the type to have that sort of relationship. But I cannot get her out of my mind. I think about the way she looked in that black dress at Bing’s party. Or the discussions we had about literature, poetry, music, countless topics. Or how her eyes sparkle and transform her face while she talks. Why am I plagued with these unwanted, intrusive thoughts about her? 

I just need more discipline. Maybe I will start with a run in the morning. Then I will concentrate intensely on my work throughout the day. Bike ride or swim in the evening. Reading a good book before bedtime. That should give my thoughts a different direction and not allow them to stray where I do not want them.

Bing wants to go to Carter’s tonight. Apparently, Jane told him she would be there. I need not worry about seeing Lizzie again. I am sure that I have more strength of mind than to let myself be derailed just because I see her.


	37. Spider

August 13, 2012

My discipline is working to some extent. I think if I continue to follow the program I laid out, I will win through. I was somewhat affected when I saw Lizzie Bennett at Carter’s, but within a minute or two had returned to calm. It may be good to see Lizzie occasionally, in order to become more used to her presence so it does not take my breath away to see her.

The production of Twelfth Night was quite good. It was distracting at first, because the director had cast all of the female parts as males and all of the male parts as females. Then when Viola, a woman played by a man, dressed up as a man it was a bit convoluted. But, once I got used to it, I was able to enter into the enjoyment of the story. The actors were very convincing in their roles, too. But to have Olivia played by a very tall, muscular man was particularly comical. 

August 14, 2012

I performed my good deed for the day. Caroline, who is phobic of spiders, needed rescuing from a large one in the lounge. It was quite a traumatic experience for her. I am glad I could help, and that I have the good sense not to be afraid of relatively innocuous things. I wonder if Lizzie is afraid of spiders. I could easily rescue her from one and then it would be natural to take her in my arms and comfort her afterwards. Where di d that come from? I am not thinking about Lizzie Bennett. I am certainly not thinking about taking her in my arms. Time for that bike ride. Actually, maybe a swim would be better. I would have to work harder with less time to think. Yes, a swim.

August 15, 2012

I had an unsettling dream about Lizzie last night. I was walking in the woods and I came upon her. I could not say anything even though I wanted to. I tried to talk but she just turned and walked away and then she was gone and I was running through the woods frantically searching for her. I woke up with my heart pounding. It took me awhile to get back to sleep.

I am leaving for Buenos Aires tomorrow. Fitz & Brandon will fly into LAX and I will join them there for the flight to Buenos Aires. We will not be going to Brazil, despite all of the twitter invitations. I am looking forward to the change of scene. I hope the very difference of the place will help my thoughts take a new direction.


	38. Best Friends

August 16, 2012

Had to get up very early this morning to make it to the airport. Now I am waiting for Fitz & Brandon to join me and get on the plane. I am planning to sleep on the flight. 

Detective reading is good for distraction, but I have been having insomnia lately because as soon as I finish reading and turn out the light, my mind starts whirling. The plan not to think about her is not working. I am wondering if giving in to thinking about her will get rid of this stupid obsession. Maybe I should write more about my thoughts in here and that would help me purge them from my mind. Maybe not. I am not sure I want to write down some of the things I have been thinking.

Maybe I will ask Fitz & Brandon what they do to ignore things they do not want to think about. Generally, of course. They do not need to know about my weakness.

August 18, 2012

Meetings with lawyers all day yesterday, but the house issue is settled. The house looks excellent, not surprisingly. It has been a long time since I was here last, but I remember everything well.

At an industry reception last night, I ran into Hank & Bernie Sugrenis (I never did like Bernie as a nickname for Bernadette. Why shorten such a beautiful name, especially with such a masculine sounding nickname?) Anyway, since I have been out of San Francisco lately, I have not seen them much. It was good to see them. It reminded me of when my parents were alive and they were all best friends. Of course, Hank & Bernie still capitalize on that friendship. They think they can order my life and tell me what to do, just like parents. Nothing has changed. They had their daughter Katherine with them, who I had not seen for years. She has been out East getting her Ph.D. in Art History and M.A. in Museum Studies. She is starting a prestigious job at one of the museums in LA next month. I remember Katherine and I, Gigi and Katherine’s younger sister Rachel would play together when we were younger and our parents were traveling together a great deal. It was good to see Katherine and catch up a little with her. They were headed back to California today, but we made plans to see each other when I get back.


	39. Never Mind

August 20, 2012

All of my running and training has paid off this week. Brandon usually leaves Fitz and me in the dust when we run together, but this time, I was able to keep up with him. He didn’t take it well, and Fitz made sure to rub it in. It felt good.

Fitz & Brandon were no help with advice about how to distract myself from my thoughts. They suggested running (do that), getting involved in other activities (do that), leaving the situation (did that), cooking (not my thing), drinking heavily (not my thing), and then things started getting out of hand and I had to change the topic. 

It’s fine for Fitz & Brandon. They have each other and are very content together despite the fact that they are very different. Meanwhile, I have no one, my sister says I’m lonely, I know there is something missing in my life, and I cannot stop thinking and dreaming about a completely inappropriate girl. Maybe I should focus on the problems with her. Like her mother. And younger sister. And financial difficulties. And the fact that her older sister may be leading my friend on for his money and position. Now I am really frustrated. All of those things are true and valid reasons for not being with Lizzie Bennett, but I still wonder what she would think of the house here, and what she would say about the book I am reading, and how she would look if we got into a discussion

Never mind.

August 22, 2012

On the way back to LA. Gigi is also on her way home today. I will have to see if I can travel to San Francisco to see her soon, or maybe we can meet in LA. She starts classes soon, so I am not sure what her schedule is. 

I must remember to call Katherine Sugrenis this week and make a time to see her. I might be able to do that before or after visiting with Gigi.


	40. The Perfect Woman

August 23, 2012

Gigi had a great time in Europe. She sounds enthusiastic and is looking forward to classes starting next week. I am going to try to get up to San Francisco next week to see her. It looks like I will have to be in LA quite a bit the rest of the month.

Bing, Caroline & I are going to Carter’s tonight. I hope Lizzie will be there, but if she is not, maybe that will be for the best. Maybe not seeing her for a while will help me forget about her. Maybe I should stay home so there is no chance of seeing her.

August 24, 2012

I did go to Carter’s last night, and Lizzie was there with her friends. I did not have a chance to speak with her, but I could see her from where I was sitting. She looked really good. She was surrounded by friends, as usual, and seemed to be having a good time, as usual. Bing was happy that Jane was there. She came over to sit with us. But when we came in, she was in a group of men. She seems to encourage quite a bit of attention from men. I hope Bing is not in over his head.

In my poetry reading I came across this poem by Walt Whitman:

O you whom I often and silently come where you are that  
I may be with you,  
As I walk by your side or sit near, or remain in the same  
room with you,  
Little you know the subtle electric fire that for your sake is  
playing within me.

I called Katherine Sugrenis and we will be meeting for lunch in LA before I head to San Francisco Sunday. I am looking forward to seeing her. She would actually be the perfect match for me. Our parents were best friends. She has advanced degrees and a good job. She knows the circles I move in and has been brought up by her parents to know how to behave in society and be an impeccable hostess. She obviously has an appreciation of the arts. She is attractive and appears to have good taste in clothes. Maybe this lunch will lead to something more.


	41. Sophistication

August 27, 2012

Yesterday I had lunch with Katherine. It was very pleasant. We enjoyed reminiscing about our younger days when we saw much of each other. We also caught up with what we have been doing recently. Katherine is very impressive. She spent time in France and Italy as part of her degree and is fluent in both languages. She is passionate about her work at the museum, which sounds quite prestigious and interesting. I arranged to have dinner with her later this week, when I head back from San Francisco.

I am scheduled to see Gigi this evening for dinner. Yesterday when I got in, she had some tennis thing and could not meet me. I had a very pleasurable evening in my own home by myself. It has been too long. I am going to have to do something about spending more time here.

August 28, 2012

Gigi looks great. She is back in the whirl of classes and training for tennis and whatever other things she does. I was exhausted just hearing about what it going on. We looked at photos from her trip and she did appear to have a good time. 

All seems to be running smoothly at Pemberly Digital. We did some strategic planning about the new LA ventures. I will have to be in LA more often to oversee the implementation and attend more meetings. It will give me an opportunity to pursue my acquaintance with Katherine Sugrenis more easily. I am sure spending time with Katherine will help me finally put Lizzie Bennett out of my mind. Really, there is no comparison between them. Katherine is cool and sophisticated with a good family background, a prestigious job and many accomplishments. She is just what I am looking for in a girlfriend and, eventually, a wife. I am sure that she will quickly supplant Lizzie in my thoughts.

August 29, 2012

In the airport again, heading back to LA, where I will stay until Friday evening. I texted Katherine, and we will be able to have dinner together tonight. I called for a reservation in one of my favorite restaurants. I am looking forward to the evening. I am not wondering what anyone else of my acquaintance is doing. Time to get out my mystery and read something compelling.


	42. Extreme Sports

August 30, 2012

My dinner with Katherine was very nice. She is a pleasant companion. She talked some about her studies and life out East. I discovered that she is into extreme sports. Zip lining, sky diving, rock climbing, white water rafting, hang gliding—you name it, she likes it and has done it. Interesting. Not so appealing to those of us who have a fear of heights. 

I like to do normal sports, like running, biking, swimming, golf, tennis, and those types of things. I have never had a desire to risk my life in the pursuit of sports. 

Maybe there is something interesting on TV tonight, or I could finish my book. I do not want to sit here and wish I was at Carter’s.

August 31, 2012

Heading back to Netherfield. Caroline is bored because Bing and I have both been out of town. I suggested we try out the new gastropub tomorrow night. I wonder how it will compare with the one near my house. I arranged to see Katherine again for dinner on Sunday, so it will be a busy weekend. Fortunately, the driver is available and the ride to and from LA is a good time to work.

I talked to Fitz earlier and we have hit a snag in our development of the new implementation at Pemberly. It seems complicated and it may take a while to figure it out. I will have to take the time to read the reports and familiarize myself with what has been happening lately. It will keep me busy.

September 2, 2012

Surprisingly, the gastropub provided a very enjoyable dinner in a pleasant atmosphere. The new beers Bing and I tried were interesting and tasty. Bing, Caroline & I had an agreeable time and the evening was a success. We will have to do it again soon.

I am on my way back to LA to meet Katherine for dinner at her choice of restaurant this time. Maybe we can talk about books or something besides extreme sports this time.


	43. The Kryzyg Republic

September 3, 2012

Well, my relationship with Katherine is not going to progress to anything except friendship. While we were at dinner last night, she mentioned her boyfriend who is coming into town later this week. He has been in the Kryzyg Republic on a Fulbright Postdoctoral grant teaching English as a second language and researching their history, literature, and music. He will be moving in with Katherine and has a faculty position lined up at the university. So much for Katherine being my perfect match. I did not know where the Kryzyg Republic is, I had to look it up once I got back to my hotel. Actually, I had never heard of the Kryzyg Republic before.

I should be disappointed, but I cannot convince myself that I am. I actually felt relieved when she mentioned Jay. It flashed through my mind that I did not have to go to all of the trouble of courting her. Will I ever find someone that I want to court and not think of it as trouble? Is there anyone out there for me? 

I think I might go to Carter’s. Bing is coming back late and I do not want to spend the evening here with Caroline. After my run, I will get ready and go. This time if I see Lizzie, I will talk to her, unlike in my dreams.


	44. A Despicable Excuse for Humanity

September 6, 2012

I have not been able to write in this journal for several days. I still feel like I have been hit by a truck. When I went to Carter’s, I did see Lizzie and I was happy to see her. I stopped at her table to talk to her and who should arrive but that despicable excuse for humanity George Wickham. He was actually there with Lizzie. I could not believe it. The one person in the world that I would have happily never set eyes on again in my life is in this small town and on terms with the Bennetts. I felt nauseous and had to leave immediately. All of the emotions from last fall with the whole Gigi debacle came roaring back. I cannot express how much I despise him and his lying face. 

Jane was also at Carter’s, surrounded by men at the bar. She really seems to thrive on male attention. Poor Bing. I am pretty sure she is stringing him along because of his money. She does not appear to have a real depth of feeling for Bing.

The only good news this week is that I have been taking longer runs and bike rides. I may sign up to run a marathon someday.

September 8, 2012

I talked to Gigi today. Well, through Twitter. She was teasing me about setting up a successful entertainment for Caroline and Bing. She wants me to entertain her too. I promised to go to a tea shop and talk books with her. I will go to San Francisco. If I had ever thought of having her visit me here, that is not going to happen now that that dick is in town. I have not wanted to go anywhere lately. I do not want to run the risk of seeing him again. I feel so much rage against him. He abused Gigi’s trust of him, which was much, much worse than the time he abused my trust. Thankfully, my father was not aware of his perfidy. It would have broken his heart.

How can Lizzie be with him? Is she going to fall for his wiles? I hope not. She deserves better than that.


	45. Plans for the Party

September 10, 2012

Why did that asshole have to come to town? Is he going to taint everyone around me? It makes my skin crawl to think of him spending time with Lizzie. I feel extremely unsettled and do not like it at all. When I am engrossed in work, I am fine, but when I try to do anything else, I am distracted by my rage and disgust. Working out helps. 

Pemberly has been approached by a large company that shall remain nameless that is interested in acquiring us. The initial offer looks tempting. Maybe it would be the best thing for Pemberly if we joined forces. I have called a strategic meeting with Gigi, Fitz, Walter, Jenni, and Margaret for next week. We can go over the offer and discuss it. 

September 11, 2012

Caroline is full of plans for Bing’s Big Birthday Party. She is trying to keep some things a surprise from him, although he knows about the party. When Caroline and Bing throw a party, they really go all out. The whole Lee family is coming in for it. And, they have invited everyone they know in this area too. I am looking forward to seeing Lizzie again. Maybe I will get to talk to her this time. She would not bring Wickham to the party, would she? Surely she would have noticed that we were not on speaking terms and would not think of precipitating an uncomfortable situation? And, surely he would not dare to come here after everything he has done to my family? I just wish the party was over.

My mind is in so much turmoil. I feel like I have a weight on my chest and I have a headache much of the time. I am having trouble sleeping, but feel exhausted during the day. I have to get past this. Thankfully, next week I have to go to LA for the meeting. Getting out of here and away from that deceitful dirtbag will be good for me.

I don’t even recognize myself these days. I am usually not such a mess inside. I pride myself on being well-ordered and in control and I feel like I am barely hanging on. It is disconcerting to be a stranger to myself.


	46. Turmoil

September 13, 2012

I have to think about whether I am interested in selling Pemberly Digital or not. It is flattering to have the nameless large company express interest, but do I want to let the company go? I just cannot think straight these days. I do not know why I cannot shake off this inner disorder. I usually do not have this much trouble managing my emotions and thoughts.

September 14, 2013

Keeping this journal continues to be helpful. I have not been writing as much lately, but I think the process of writing down my thoughts and events that happen is calming and beneficial. Although my thoughts have been jumbled and troubled lately, it is helpful to write it down. 

I will make a list of things that are bothering me  
1\. The way Lizzie Bennett intrudes upon my thoughts. My attraction to her and her unsuitability.  
2\. My nemesis being in town and making friends with Lizzie Bennett.  
3\. Whether or not I should sell Pemberly or keep it.  
4\. Finding someone with whom to spend my life

I will see Lizzie at the party and can talk to her there. I am looking forward to that. I enjoy being around her and I do not need to deprive myself of her company in order to do the right thing. I know she is not a good match for me because of the many things that I have listed, but that does not mean I have to shun her. Right now, I need some enjoyment in my life and I will let myself take pleasure in being with her at the party. 

I do not have to be in the company of that traitorous snake. Just because he is in town, I should not lose all of my composure. I should not allow him that kind of control over me. Right. I will endeavor to relax and compose myself and not worry about him anymore. Gigi is not here, and she will never know that he was here, and I will be sure that she will not be disturbed by him ever again. I do not have to interact with him. I do not have to think about him.

In the next few days, I will take the time to look over the offer from the unnamed company and list the pros and cons of each option. I will do this after I have exercised and am relaxed.

I cannot do anything about finding someone to love right now. I will have to put that on the back burner and think about it another time. I can handle feeling lonely and as if there is something missing, as long as the rest of my life is not so unsettled.

I feel better already.


	47. LA Bound

September 17, 2012

It has been an eventful few days. Caroline, Bing and I have relocated to LA. It is a long story. Bing’s party started out fine. Many, many people came. I danced with Lizzie who looked great. She was more quiet than normal, but she did tease me about making conversation. She said that we were both of such an unsocial, taciturn disposition that we were unwilling to speak unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room. I answered that it was no very striking resemblance to her own character, but she may think it a faithful portrait of mine, although I could not pretend to say how near it is. Then she brought up that traitorous dog. I did have some small trouble keeping my countenance, but I answered reasonably that he is blessed with the happy ability of making friends, but whether he has the capability of retaining them is less certain. She noted that he had lost my friendship. There was nothing to say to that, and we talked of other things. At one point she asked if I was careful when forming my opinions of people and if I let myself be blinded by prejudice. I answered that I was very careful and I hoped I did not allow prejudice to enter into my judgments. She seemed puzzled, but the dance ended and we were separated. That was the last enjoyment I had of the party.

Lizzie’s mother seemed to be everywhere, talking loudly about Bing & Jane’s eventual marriage and how lovely that will be for the whole family. I have no doubt she thinks it would be a honey fall. The youngest Bennett sister was notably loud and energetic as always. And I was appalled to come upon Jane committing an indiscretion while Bing was elsewhere fulfilling his duties as host. It is just as I thought, she has no real feelings for him, and sees him as a way out of an untenable financial conundrum. After the party, I wasted no time in telling Bing what I saw tonight, and other times he was absent and that Jane was using him for his money and position. Caroline joined me in emphasizing to Bing all of the disadvantages of such a relationship. He tried to argue, but we were able to overcome his arguments very easily. Not only does Jane not have feelings for him, but to have such a mother-in-law, and sister-in-law. And to place oneself in the position of saving that family. It is not to be considered.

Thus, the outcome was to pack up and prepare to move back to LA. I admit that I am happy to be going. Not only do I have several meetings there in the next week, but I have been so unsettled here lately. Once in LA we can all forget the Bennetts and move on with our lives.


	48. Selling Pemberly Digital

September 20, 2012

I do not know what I was thinking when I considered selling Pemberly to the large unnamed company. I can only conclude that my mind was in such turmoil that I was not thinking straight. To sell the company my parents worked so hard to build so that it would become a cog in a huge machine rather than the independent, flexible, family company that it is. Tomorrow at the meeting with Gigi and everyone, we can discuss strategic directions for Pemberly—not including a sale.

Bing is not happy. He mopes around the house. He tries to make an effort, but anyone can tell that he is not himself. Caroline makes plans for him, like going to the beach and being with family. So far, it does not seem to be working. I continue to ask him to come for a ride or a run with me, but he has turned me down each time. I hope with more time he will bounce back.

Gigi is coming down tonight and will stay the weekend after the meeting tomorrow. She is taking me up on the tea shop promise and also wants me to go to a flower show with her. The things I do for my little sister. If it makes her happy, I am happy.

September 21, 2012

We had a good meeting. Everyone was relieved that I had already decided against the sale. Fitz kept teasing me about my lapse of judgment. We decided that Pemberly should be looking to attach small companies that show promise, those that are pushing the boundaries of what is currently done. Jenni will take the lead in researching promising companies. Fitz and I will be focusing on meeting with current and potential investors in order to make our position more able to acquire these companies. Walter and Margaret will continue to oversee day to day operations. Gigi is not doing much at Pemberly this semester, as she has a full complement of classes, but she agreed with our proposed direction. 

I am waiting for Gigi to get ready to go out to dinner tonight. Tomorrow is our big flower show/tea shop adventure. Spending time with Gigi is a great joy. I am glad that we have negotiated an adult relationship with each other. Although, I do feel responsible for her since she is my little sister and I have more experience than she does.


	49. Hyacinths

September 24, 2012

Gigi left this morning on an early flight, and I am finally taking the opportunity to write in my journal again. We had a good weekend, but she was around and I did not have enough time and privacy to write.

I took Gigi to the flower show on Saturday. The flowers were beautiful and the show gardens were amazing. But, as we were walking by a display of hyacinths, Lizzie’s scent surrounded me. All at once I knew that I love Lizzie Bennett. I was stunned, and Gigi even noticed something and asked me what was wrong. I put her off, answered something at random. Fortunately, her demands on my attention were fleeting as we perused the rest of the show. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. How could I fall in love with someone I have been trying not to think about (albeit unsuccessfully) and who I know is not a suitable match for me. Every argument I used with Bing is doubly true for me. Except that I do not think Lizzie was blatantly trying to attach me.   
By the time we arrived at the tea shop, I was more composed and able to talk to Gigi about books. She talked about the English Literature class she has now and made another push to persuade me to read Jane Austen. But I held firm. I talked some about the detective fiction I have been reading lately; I picked up a recent David Baldacci the other day. I happened to mention that I had read Anna Karenina, and she suggested we go to the movie together. Talking about that made me think about Lizzie again and I had to make a great effort to keep my mind on my conversation with Gigi.

I do not know what to do. When I smelled her scent, I had that overwhelming feeling of love. Those flowers smelled so good, but not any better than Lizzie smells. Now my failure to stop thinking or dreaming of her makes sense. And the reason that I was not really interested in Katherine. But how could I fall in love with her? She is pretty and animated and interesting and funny. There is something about her that draws me; I can’t put my finger on it. And yet, I know that she is not an appropriate partner for me. I do not know what to do.

September 25, 2012

Investor meetings all day yesterday and today. I am tired tonight, but I did manage to fit a swim in before dinner. The meetings are going well and people seem excited about the direction Pemberly is taking. Tomorrow I do not have any meetings, which is a relief. I have quite a lot to catch up with.  
Today I decided to give myself the luxury of just thinking about Lizzie without worrying about anything. I recalled her smile and the way her eyes light up and sparkle and her whole face becomes vibrant and the spirited way in which she debates a point or tells a story. I pictured her creamy, soft skin and that black dress she wore to one of the parties. I thought about our discussions and how she is not a morning person. It felt good to think about her. Then I reminded myself that I need to get over this infatuation. I do not seem to be listening to myself. 

Bing continues to seem morose and not his usual happy self. Caroline has become more managing than ever, probably in an effort to give his thoughts a new direction. School does not seem to be as engrossing as it has been in the past. I feel sorry for him, but it has not been that long. I am sure that in a few weeks, he will have forgotten all about Jane.


	50. Sparkle

September 27, 2012

It is a good thing that things are busy at work, because it helps me focus on something besides my love for Lizzie Bennett. I do have intrusive thoughts about her, but I am usually able to refocus on work fairly quickly. Jenni has identified several companies that may fit with our strategic plan. She is compiling reports on them, but I have done some of my own research. Fitz has been meeting with investors in San Francisco while I am taking care of the meetings here in LA. 

I am going to buy a new car. I will take Bing out test driving with me. It will be good for both of us and give our thoughts a new direction. I have not been paying enough attention to Bing because I have been wrapped up in my own troubles.

September 29, 2012

Bing and I test drove several cars today and it was exhilarating. There is something about driving fast in a good car. I decided to purchase an Aston Martin DB9 convertible, but I cannot decide whether I want black or silver. We also looked at the Bentley Continental GT speed convertible, but it was too much like an old man’s car and with my birthday coming up, I can’t have that. Bing liked the Mercedes SLS AMG, but it was too unusual for me.

Caroline has arranged for us to go out for drinks tonight. She thinks it will be good for Bing. And maybe it will be good for both of us. At least if I am out with Bing & Caroline, I will not be able to indulge my thoughts about Lizzie, which are usually disturbing and unproductive, although sometimes it is delightful to dwell on the memories of holding her in my arms when we danced, her liveliness, that sparkle she has, and of watching her across the breakfast table at Netherfield as she caught up on her e-mails in the morning. 

September 30, 2012

Gigi called and she wants me to come up to San Francisco next weekend. She wants to celebrate my birthday by taking me out to dinner. My sister is very sweet. I told her that I would be happy to come. We made plans for Saturday.

Drinks last night was a good idea. Bing did not seem as morose and Caroline was going out of her way to be witty and amusing. Bing wants me to get a black car, but I think I like the silver better. It is more classic.

I wish Bing’s eyes did not look like a hurt puppy. Sometimes when I look at him, I feel rueful. I should have stepped in earlier, when I first realized that Jane was using him. If he had not had so much time with her, maybe he would not be so despondent now.


	51. Quiet

October 1, 2012

Today I went to the car dealer and purchased my new car. They had the one I wanted there, so I was able to drive it away. It is a splendid car. When I get a chance, I will have to take it out of the city and enjoy the ride. Unfortunately, I have investor meetings tomorrow and the next day, so I cannot get away for a long drive. Bing and Caroline exclaimed over the car. Bing did tease me and say that I should have gotten the Mercedes or at least the black Aston Martin, but he supposed I was too unadventurous to do so. With him teasing and laughing at me, he seemed much more like the old Bing. 

I wish I had access to Bing’s library at Netherfield. I need a new book to read. I finally finished the Tolstoy biography. And I would like a change from reading mysteries. Tomorrow I’ll stop at the book store and browse. I wonder what Lizzie would suggest I read.

October 3, 2012

I think Lizzie’s hair is the color called auburn. It is so rich and it changes depending upon what light she is in. Sometimes it looks very red, although her hair is not as red as her sisters. It is more understated, but luxurious. I wonder what it would be like to run my fingers through her hair. To touch her face. Why do I do this to myself? I am still dreaming of Lizzie, but my dreams are not always the same. Sometimes I see her in a coffee shop and I walk over to talk to her and I realize that I forgot to put my clothes on when I left the house. I have not had those kind of humiliating dreams in years. Sometimes my dreams are more pleasant and intimate. But waking up after them is disappointing.

Yesterday I picked up a book: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. It promises to be interesting, but may also be of some utility. I know that I am sometimes at a disadvantage as a CEO and person in my position in society. I know how to fulfill my social duties, but they take a toll on me at times. I am hoping there is practical advice in the book.

I also picked up Dr. Gardiner’s new book. I have not talked to Dr. Gardner in a long time. I will have to read the book and let her know what I think of it. It would be good to renew the acquaintance.


	52. Airport

October 4, 2012

I leave tomorrow evening for San Francisco. Before I go, I am going to take a long drive in my new car. Thus, I am working this evening in order to be able to take the time off. I am fortunate there are no meetings tomorrow.

I talked to Fitz earlier. Brandon is getting a bearded dragon as a pet. They are picking it out this weekend so I will get a chance to see it when I go up next weekend. It will be named Dashwood after one of Brandon’s favorite sports figures. I do not think I’ve ever heard of a Dashwood, but I am not into sports like Brandon is. Fitz gave me all kinds of reasons why this lizard will be a good pet, but I am skeptical. Gigi’s cat is cute and you can pet it, when it’s in the mood, but a lizard? I am not sure I am a pet person.

October 5, 2012

I really like my new car. The drive was spectacular; the weather was perfect, the car handled beautifully, and I even got going very fast once or twice. Getting the car was a brilliant idea.

Once again, I am in an airport waiting for my flight to be called. As I was waiting to go through security, I thought I saw Lizzie. My heart stopped for a moment and then she turned and I realized it wasn’t Lizzie. I really wanted it to be her. I want to see Lizzie again. I spent the next few minutes trying to think up excuses to go to Netherfield so I could run into her. I should have left something there. Like my bike or something. But, I really can’t tell Bing I need to go to Netherfield. I don’t want to get him thinking in that direction again. Maybe it’s just as well.

But, maybe, if I read Dr. Gardiner’s book, I can set up a meeting with her at the university. Then I would have an excuse to be in town and I could stop by Carter’s and see if Lizzie is there. That would work. I wouldn’t have to tell Bing, but I would still get a chance to see Lizzie. It would be worth it to see her eyes light up when she tells a story or when she is defending an opinion. To hear her laugh. To see her again. I miss Lizzie.


	53. If Only

October 8, 2012

Gigi told me she wanted my 30th birthday to be memorable. She gave me a surprise party on Saturday. We had spent the day shopping, and we checked out the new exhibit at one of our favorite galleries. I even took her in a test drive of my new car. Well, a car like my new car. We went to the dealer here so she could see what it is like. She liked it. But, when we arrived back at my house, it was full of people. “Surprise!” I hated it. I did not tell her because she was so happy and excited that she had pulled it off without me suspecting anything. But being the center of attention like that when I was not expecting it was unbearable. I did not have any time to prepare and immediately had to be sociable and good-natured about the surprise. By the time everyone left, I was exhausted. 

I spent yesterday, my actual birthday, alone in my house. I did not answer any calls, texts, tweets, e-mails or any other attempt to contact me. I even turned off my phone when Aunt Catherine called the first time. I will have to return her call, but at least I had one quiet day. I did go for a long run. And I picked a good bottle from the wine cellar to have with my dinner. It was relaxing and enjoyable.

After dinner and a few glasses of wine, I indulged myself in thinking about Lizzie Bennett as if there were no impediments to our being together. I thought about what it would be like to talk to her each day, to see her for dates, to touch her shoulder, hold her hand, kiss her. My heart yearns for this. If only 

October 9, 2012

I found a poem that spoke to me last night:

Love's Philosophy — Percy Bysshe Shelley

The fountains mingle with the river and the rivers with the oceans,   
the winds of heaven mix forever  
with a sweet emotion;  
Nothing in the world is single;  
All things by a law divine  
In one spirit meet and mingle.  
Why not I with thine?  
See the mountains kiss high heaven  
And the waves clasp one another;  
No sister-flower would be forgiven  
If it disdained its brother,  
And the sunlight clasps the earth  
And the moonbeams kiss the sea:  
What is all this sweet work worth  
If thou kiss not me?

Back to the real world, William Darcy. 

October 10, 2012

Today I left my phone on the kitchen counter when I went for a bike ride. I did not mean to leave it there. Caroline answered it. In her defense, it was Aunt Catherine who does tend to keep calling back until the phone is answered, but she could have just thrown it into my room and shut the door. Although I was taken aback that she answered the phone, the actual message was amusing and somewhat disturbing. Caroline must have written it down verbatim. “Tell my nephew that I must have him call me back. I have something of the utmost importance to convey to him and I am not used to waiting so long for a call back. Tell him that I expect his call immediately he returns to the house. Tell him that I will brook no insolence from him and if he does not call me immediately, I will resort to drastic measures. I am in great need of his assistance.” I do not think it is just irritation from my slowness in returning her birthday call. I suppose I will have to call her.

Later

Lizzie Bennett is visiting the company that Aunt Catherine has invested heavily in that she was telling me about earlier. I’m going to see Lizzie. Slow down, William. Aunt Catherine called to complain about this company, Collins & Collins. She invested some of her venture capital in it. Apparently, she is unhappy with some of the changes a new partner is making. She said, “Ever since that Charlotte Lu got here…” I interrupted, “Who?” She went on to explain that Charlotte has been working for Collins & Collins for a couple of months and Aunt Catherine is convinced that Charlotte is going to ruin the company. Then Aunt Catherine complained that Charlotte even had a friend visiting who was shadowing the company. And it is Lizzie. Aunt Catherine ordered me to come out and put Charlotte in her place. I will get to see Lizzie again without going to Netherfield and having to let Bing know. I called Fitz and asked him to come with me. He and Brandon will be flying out with me on Saturday evening. We could not get away sooner than that with the meetings scheduled, and Brandon has a big baseball game to go to Friday. He refused to consider skipping it. I know getting to the World Series is important, but should it interfere with real life? There is no use worrying about it now. Our flight plans are made. And it will not be too long before I see her again. 

There was a concern about their lizard and whether they could leave it for so long. For goodness sake, it’s a lizard, it should not be a consideration in making travel decisions. Gigi stepped up and agreed to take the lizard while they’re gone even though that means she has to feed it live crickets twice a day. Note to self: get Gigi a really great gift.


	54. Loving and Caring

October 12, 2012

People on the internet are very odd. There has been a recent increase in the number of random comments and questions I get from strangers. They seem to know a lot about me. Gigi says she has also been receiving some strange comments but she assures me they are not upsetting or aggressive. I guess since I am CEO and Gigi and I are both part of the founding family of a company like Pemberly Digital, people tend to know more about us than the average person. I called and talked to Gigi about cyber security again. She called me a dork and told me to stop lecturing her about things she already knows about. How can I help worrying about her?

Maybe seeing Lizzie will be good for me. Perhaps being apart, I have endowed her with qualities that are not as powerful as I remember. And then seeing her will help me place it all in perspective and get over this infatuation. 

I went to the jewelers’ today and found a beautiful pendant for Gigi. It is a tanzanite pendant on a gold chain. Gigi’s favorite color is purple, so I think she’ll like it. I’ll give it to her tomorrow morning before we leave.

October 13, 2012

We leave later this afternoon. On the one hand, I am hoping that seeing Lizzie again will cure me of my feelings for her. On the other hand, I am eager to see her and am having trouble waiting until Fitz & Brandon arrive to go to the airport. 

Maybe Lizzie could be someone who is interested in me—William Darcy—not the rich CEO of Pemberly Digital. I yearn for someone like that. Someone I could open myself up to, who would know me. I don’t get the feeling she is interested in my money. She has dropped no blatant hints for gifts and she doesn’t constantly mention my money and position. She has not thrown herself at me, as many women have in the past. I have learned to guard myself and not let my desire for closeness, affection, love, and caring open me up to more hurt and rejection. Just because I am a rich CEO, does not mean I am not a feeling person, too. So many women have not cared to get to know who I am, have only cared about what I am, why can I not find someone who wants to know me?


	55. Heart's Leap

October 15, 2012

I saw Lizzie yesterday. My heart leapt when she came in the room. It’s funny, I always thought that was a figure of speech, but my heart really did leap. She looked really good, professional, but playful as well. She looked even better than I remembered. And her scent really is lovely. I was having trouble thinking of anything to say, but I did ask about her family. She asked if I had seen Jane in LA, which I haven’t. I didn’t know Jane was in LA. I had counseled Bing not to respond to her texts or voice mails since he needed a clean break. But if he knew she was in LA, he didn’t share that with me. I was bemused by my encounter with Lizzie and when Fitz invited everyone out to dinner, I declined. I felt the need for solitude so I could regroup. I did not expect to be so bemused.

Today has been a series of meetings with Rick Collins and Charlotte Lu. Fortunately, Aunt Catherine has not been around today, although that will not last. Mr. Collins is very odd and annoying. He never uses one word when he can use ten. Charlotte seems to be able to manage him well. I was impressed by her diplomacy and effectiveness. I did not see Lizzie today. I have not decided if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

October 16, 2012

Thankfully, Charlotte is well organized and had the foresight to compile all of the documentation that Fitz and I need to evaluate Collins & Collins. We have not had to schedule meetings all day, but can review the documents and Fitz and I have been planning how to observe and evaluate company policy and procedure. Some of that can be done at Aunt Catherine’s house, although I prefer to go into the office. Aunt Catherine is somewhat forceful and intrusive.  
Our work at Pemberly does not wait either. So we are juggling our daily tasks there with the evaluation of Collins and Collins. It makes for busy work days and evenings.

I have not seen Lizzie much. She and I are busy with different tasks. But I do occasionally see her in the hallway, or the break room and she will be joining us for dinner tomorrow. I am in a state of hyper-awareness when there is a chance that I might see her. I find myself taking breaks and walking in the hallways so as to potentially run into Lizzie. My desire to see her is very strong, it is almost a compulsion. I thought that I might be able to put my feelings to rest if I saw her, now I am afraid they are getting stronger.


	56. Lobsters

October 18, 2012

Last night Aunt Catherine hosted a dinner party for everyone. Lizzie came and looked spectacular. I really like when she wears ruffles and looks especially feminine and appealing. Aunt Catherine was annoying, although I should have expected it. Aunt Catherine must always be part of every conversation and was giving unwanted and unneeded advice all evening, as is her wont. She was very patronizing towards Lizzie and Charlotte, and that was discomfiting. Lizzie behaved with aplomb. She did not appear uncomfortable and she and Fitz had a lively conversation about business plans and her plans for her last year in graduate school. Fitz and Brandon seemed to like her. It was pleasant sharing a meal with Lizzie again and being able to watch her eyes sparkle and hear her laughing. She is entrancing.

I did not sleep well last night. My mind kept going over and over the conundrum of my feelings for Lizzie as opposed to the drawbacks associated with her. 

October 20, 2012

Once again, the cyber world baffles me. I keep receiving tweets from strangers asking me, “Pirates or Ninjas?” What is this? Pirates or ninjas what? I have continued my policy of ignoring them. Also, I am getting tweets of pictures of lobsters, and Mrs. Reynolds says that I have received lobster stuffed animals, lobster boxer shorts, lobster apron, lobster oven mitts, and lobster prints. I did not recognize any of the names that she read to me on cards, and not all of them had cards. People are perplexing. I suppose I missed some sort of lobster announcement in the industry news, although why I should be targeted is a mystery.

Also, Fitz finally joined Twitter and he already has numerous followers. He is outgoing and friendly and has many friends, but the number of followers he picked up in one day is astounding. I wonder if we should do some research on new Twitter followers and what trends there are based on who starts following and how many days it has been since someone joined Twitter. I must mention that to Alexandra in market research.  
Fitz is not quite as ebullient as usual these days. He usually talks about everything going on in his life even when we are working together, but he has been very quiet lately. I hope he and Brandon are not having trouble.

I am having trouble focusing on both the work we came here to do, and the work I have for Pemberly these days. I find myself staring into space thinking about Lizzie and I am not even aware that time is passing. It is disconcerting to be so distractible. Usually, I have no problem attending to what needs to be done. I am not one to shirk my duties, but I cannot seem to help myself. I do not even know why I am captivated by her to such an extent. Yes, she is pretty and intelligent and charismatic, but I know plenty of pretty, intelligent, charismatic women. Yet, I am drawn to Lizzie against all sense and prudence. I have tried to repress my feelings, but they grow only more ardent with each passing day.


	57. World Series

October 22, 2012

I went to visit Lizzie in the office yesterday. I knew that she would be there by herself, and I wanted to see her since I have not seen her much since Aunt Catherine’s dinner. She was wearing a pretty black polka-dotted dress and looked charming. Unfortunately, I become tongue-tied when I am with Lizzie lately. All of my feelings rise up and choke off what I might want to say to her. We talked about Bing and Charlotte. She said she was proud of her friend. It is another attractive quality that she is a supportive and loyal friend. I did not stay long since I did not want to interrupt her too much and I was becoming tense. I feel like two parts of me are at war. I want to be with Lizzie, but I do not want to take on her problems. What am I going to do?

Brandon left to go back to LA today. The Giants are in the World Series starting in a couple of days and he has tickets to the first two games. Fitz decided to stay and help me finish up here. I am glad he is staying because it would be difficult to complete the evaluation on my own in a timely manner. But, on the other hand, I hope he is not staying because he and Brandon have been quarreling. I do not like to ask, Fitz usually tells me what is going on without me having to.

October 23, 2012

Caroline keeps calling. I do not have time or energy to deal with her right now. It is just too much. What with my jumbled feelings and the double work load, I have enough on my plate.

I am not sleeping well at all. I have trouble falling asleep and when I do, I do not feel like I am getting restful sleep. I keep waking up and my mind races. I am not used to being in such upheaval. Usually, if I do not want to think about something, I can easily stop thinking about it. And, if I want to do something or not do something, my emotions do not confuse me and keep me from what I want. These days I do not even recognize myself.

If I did not have this journal, I might go insane. I do not want to talk about these things with anyone. Certainly, if Fitz is not confiding with me about something, I do not want to burden him with my troubles. But, even if I wanted to talk to him, I wouldn’t know where to start. And it’s all too revealing and I would feel too exposed to discuss this whole Lizzie Bennett thing.

I saw Lizzie today in the break room at lunch. She was reading a book, so I didn’t interrupt her. It was pleasant just sitting at the table with her, just being with her, just inhaling her scent. I really am pathetic.

I talked to Dr. Gardiner today. I suggested that Lizzie might like to use Pemberly Digital as one of the companies she shadows for her independent study projects. It was good to reconnect with her and she agreed that Pemberly Digital would be a good company for Lizzie.


	58. Forgetting

October 25, 2012

I have a new policy. I am going to avoid Lizzie. I am not going to the break room. I am going to try to work at Aunt Catherine’s house as much as possible. I am going to try to have enough self-discipline to overcome these inconvenient feelings. I wish I hadn’t talked to Dr. Gardiner already.

I talked to Gigi today. School and tennis are going well. I am not surprised, but I am happy that she seems to have fully put all of the unpleasantness behind her. She told me I sounded tired and distracted. I excused myself because of the double work load here. She lectured me on not letting work take over my life. Little does she know how little work is taking over my life. It is something else that is taking over me. But, I will be stronger than this.

October 27, 2012

I have not seen Lizzie in several days. But that seems to have no appreciable impact on my feelings for her. This is not me. I am not a tormented soul. I do not usually relate to the anguished poems, but I find myself seeking them out in my poem anthologies.

Here is one from Emily Dickinson: 

Heart, we will forget him!   
You and I, to-night!   
You may forget the warmth he gave,   
I will forget the light.   
When you have done, pray tell me,   
That I my thoughts may dim;   
Haste! lest while you’re lagging,   
I may remember him!

She seems to have had as much trouble with her heart and her thoughts as I do. This is not good for me. Repressing my feelings for her seems impossible. I ache to be with Lizzie. I did not think that love could be so painful. Tomorrow, I will seek her out and tell her of my feelings, and then I can be happy and be able to sleep. If I listen to my heart, perhaps it will be easier than trying to listen to my head. I cannot wait for this torment to stop. When Lizzie and I are together surely other things will fall into place. I cannot wait to take her in my arms and hold her and know that she is mine. I could possibly carve out some time to take the weekend away with her, so we could spend a significant amount of time together.


	59. Prayer

October 28, 2012 

Oh, God.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short post today. In the LBD, Lizzie doesn’t post Darcy Day until the next time, even though it happened right after her video she posted today. So, I am trying to be consistent with the LBD posting schedule. I promise nice, long, angsty posts in the days to come.


	60. Agony

October 31, 2012

I told Fitz and Aunt Catherine that I am not feeling well. And that is true, just not in the way they understand it. When someone bares their soul to you, you don’t stomp all over it and tell them that you hate them. I wish I could go back in time and change my plan.

I found a line from John Donne that sums it up:

I am two fools, I know,  
For loving, and for saying so.

November 1, 2012

My plan did not go very well. And I have not felt like writing the past couple of days. I drank too much after my humiliating talk with Lizzie. The next day was pretty much a waste. And, since then I have been trying, fairly unsuccessfully, to work, but really thinking over what happened. Fitz is starting to wonder what is wrong. Today, I woke up and decided that I would get myself back on track. I will write down what happened and I will figure out where I go from here.  
Lizzie was not in a good mood when I went to her office last weekend. Perhaps I should have taken the hint and left, but I had worked up my nerve to tell her and I just wanted to get it done. I just thought I was in agony before telling her. She rejected me and now it is excruciating. I thought fighting against love was painful, but being rejected is worse. She did not even try to be polite about it either. Granted, I may not have approached it in the best way, but I did not intend to be rude. She berated me for disliking her, ruining Jane’s life, insulting her family, and then she brought up the bane of my existence. Apparently, he has been telling her lies about me. No wonder she thinks badly of me. She called me arrogant and selfish and said I was the last man on earth she would ever fall in love with. Wow. I had no idea she felt that way or that she could be so brutal. 

I am ashamed of what my feelings have been. Apparently, I am loathsome to Lizzie. How could I have been so mistaken? How could I have missed that she hates me? How could I be in love with someone who thinks so poorly of me? And, I thought she would want to be with me. I just assumed if I told her I was interested, she would fall into my arms. She was right. I am arrogant. I am also ashamed because I lost my temper with her during our discussion. I interrupted her and raised my voice. Although I was goaded by Lizzie’s attack on me, I should not have done that.

I have no idea how she got the impression that I dislike her. I think I even told her once that I would never dare dislike her. She did say to watch her videos since I did not know why she felt that way about me. Videos. That is one step I can take. First, I am going for a run and I have to work on this report today. I told Fitz he would have my section by tomorrow.

November 2, 2012

I found The Lizzie Bennet Diaries and started following Lizzie on Twitter. I am embarrassed that I have been spelling her last name wrong all this time. Well, now I know. Tonight I am planning to watch the videos and see what she says about me.

I remembered to call Dr. Gardiner yesterday and ask her not to tell Lizzie that I had suggested Pemberly Digital. She seemed amused, but I explained that I didn’t want to seem like I was giving favors. She said something strange, “If that is the way you want to spin it, William, that’s fine with me.” Sometimes I just don’t know what to make of people.

November 3, 2012

I never want to see a Diet Pepsi again. Watching these videos has been incredibly painful, but things are beginning to make more sense to me. I cannot believe that Lizzie hates me so much. Although, that asshole George didn’t help my cause. And neither did Caroline. At least I expected George to slander me, but Caroline was a shock and a betrayal. 

It seems that the awkward dance and my thoughtless comment about Lizzie being decent enough really started all of this. I did not mean to insult her, and am mortified that she overheard that. I was just trying to get Bing off my back so I could have some alone time. I thought that if I showed any appreciation for Lizzie, Bing would be all over me to spend more time with her. And after that awkward dance, I really was not up for it. 

By the way, Lizzie Bennet, I do not have $5,000 boxers and I do not sit around watching BBC documentaries. At least I’m tall. And, Fitz, I’m going to have to have some words with him. At least he said some nice things about me, as well as throwing me under the bus. No wonder he didn’t want to talk to me. I hope he was feeling guilty. She called me a robot and a newsie. Well, other things too, but they were pretty general and she called other people she didn’t like those things too. But a robot. If only she knew how un-robotic I feel. I did not know that I acted like a robot.

Now I understand all of the personal questions on Twitter and all of the lobster things. Note to self: ask Mrs. Reynolds to forward all lobster paraphernalia to Fitz’s office before we get home. 

Watching Lizzie talk about me was not nearly as painful as watching me make my declaration to Lizzie. I completely ignored the fact that she told me it was not a good time, I did sound arrogant and obnoxious, and I engaged in an argument with her. And she rejected me. There really is nothing like having your worst moment on the internet for thousands of people to see. I don’t know if I could feel any more mortified. I am cringing inside.

I need to think. I’m going on a long bike ride to think.

Later

I will probably never see her again, but I cannot bear to think that she is alive in the world and thinking ill of me and good of George Wickham. At least she didn’t really fall for him. However, I am afraid that she won’t listen to me or that I won’t be able to express myself well without becoming upset if I try to talk to her again. I will write a letter to her, explaining what really happened with that treacherous snake. I will write it out, because I think better when I’m writing, like when I’m writing in this journal. Also, I am afraid she would delete an e-mail from me without opening it. A letter will seem more important and weighty. Perhaps she will read it because of that. 

Lizzie Bennet held a mirror up to me, and I do not like the person I saw. I had never meant to present myself in that way. I need to ponder on this and decide how I can make changes.

Gigi is worried about me. I had to call her, but I did not tell her anything. She knows something is wrong, but I said I wasn’t ready to talk about it. How can I tell her about the videos when George is in them charming another woman? She does not need to be reminded of that chapter in her life.


	61. The Letter

November 5, 2012

Yesterday, I went to deliver my letter to Lizzie. She was pleasant to me and I assured her that I was not going to sue her. I apologized for making any part of her stay at Collins & Collins unpleasant. She said she would read the letter. That is it. I will never see her again.

I began the letter by assuring her that I was not going to repeat the sentiments that were so disgusting to her the other day. I said that I wrote without any intention of paining her, or humbling myself, by dwelling on wishes, which, for the happiness of both, cannot be too soon forgotten. I went on to say that my character and honor required the letter to be written and read and I demanded her to read it of her justice, although I knew her feelings would make her unwilling to read it. I talked a little of Bing’s birthday party when I persuaded him to leave Netherfield. After I observed Jane in a lip lock with one of Bing’s fraternity brothers, I knew that I was right that she did not consider Bing someone special and exclusive. Their hands were all over each other. It was my duty as a friend to let Bing know right away before things got even more out of hand. If she couldn’t even be faithful to him at his own birthday party, what does that say for the rest of their lives? Plus, the financial difficulties and the embarrassing family members continue to be a major factor. I was kinder to him than I was to myself.

I then went on to relate the true story of GW’s perfidy towards me and towards my sister. I ended by acknowledging that she may wonder why I did not tell her this at the time we were talking. I was not then master enough of myself to know what could or ought to be revealed. I recommended her to talk to Fitz, who is familiar with the whole situation, if her abhorrence of me should make my assertions valueless. I ended with my best wishes for her future success and happiness. 

I think I showed her that I am reasonable and that GW is not to be trusted. I hope that this last impression of me will mitigate to some extent the poor impressions I made upon her since the time we met, but especially when we argued in her office last weekend.

Fitz and I talked about Lizzie. He had seen the videos, which makes sense, since he was in them. He apologized for not telling me about them, but he said he had no idea what my feelings were. If he had, he would have warned me. That felt good to realize that Fitz is a true friend and it was only from ignorance of my intentions that he did not tell me about the videos. He said he had contacted Dr. Gardiner about Lizzie shadowing at Pemberly, but he would call her back if I didn’t want Lizzie to come. I told him not to bother. I have not been working in San Francisco much, so she won’t have to see me if she does come. I did not tell him that I also had recommended Pemberly to Dr. Gardiner. It’s best if he doesn’t know that. I forgot that she would be watching the videos and thus has seen my worst moment. I asked Fitz not to tell Gigi about the videos. He thought that we should. But I made him promise not to do it until I thought some more about it.

We are just about done with the final report for Collins & Collins. Charlotte has many good ideas and seems to be able to implement them. Aunt Catherine was probably over-reacting to some of the changes Charlotte made when she first came. As she gets used to Charlotte, she should trust her more. I admire Charlotte for her business sense, but also, she told me that she did not approve of my dealings with Bing and Jane. She cared enough for her friends to stand up for them, despite thinking that I might punish her in my report. I would never do that. How could I have come across as someone who is so unprincipled as to skew a report just because someone disagreed with me? I really need some time to think.

November 7, 2012

Fitz is having much too much fun with the Lizzie’s portrayal of me on her videos. He bought another newsie cap and posted a picture of me in it on Twitter. Glad I could entertain him. At least I think this means that he has no idea how appallingly dreadful I feel about myself right now. How would he like it if he had been abused for months without his knowledge and then humiliated in front of thousands of people when he told the object of his affections that he loved her? Thanks a lot, Lizzie Bennet.

I took another long bike ride yesterday. It really helps me think and sort things out. Plus, the triathlon is coming up soon and I need to keep in shape.  
I am glad that I do not have to go right back to LA. It is going to be hard seeing Caroline again. But I do not want to strain my friendship with Bing. I will have to figure that out, too.


	62. Lydia

November 8, 2012

Began reading that book about the power of introverts on the plane. It is very interesting. In the introduction it described introverts, “Introverts prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family…often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation…Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.” Could have been written about me. There are many interesting points so far. I have been taking notes so as to ponder things more deeply. I am looking forward to reading more. There is a chapter called, ‘When should you act more extroverted?’

November 9, 2012

Fitz came running into my office this morning clutching lobsters in both hands. He asked what all the lobster things in his office were about. I told him to consider it a gift from an agoraphobic lobster. He apologized again and said he knew he would never live that comment down. I told him that he should have thought about that before saying it on the internet in front of thousands of people. But I do not really bear him ill will. I did warn him not to try to give the lobsters back to me. They are his problem now.

Watched Lizzie’s newest video. She was surprised that I had left. She discussed insulting and rejecting me and driving me hundreds of miles away. Thank goodness she believed me and not GW. I feel a sense of relief about that. I could relate to one of the things she said, “It’s like I don’t know myself anymore.” I understand. I cannot reconcile my view of myself with the way Lizzie, and even Charlotte and Jane, saw my actions.

I had to watch that video. I had to see what Lizzie might have said about me. I could tell that she did not want to read the letter, but I had to see what her reaction was. I do not think she will betray my confidence, but I was not sure. After all, she exposed me to public humiliation by airing my declaration of love for her and its consequent rejection. I hope someday I will not writhe inside when I think about that day. I can see why people are tempted to do drugs to forget. Some things are just so painful. 

I guess I can understand why Lizzie posted the video. Obviously I knew I was being recorded, but had no idea what was going to happen to the footage. She was within her rights, but if I was feeling litigious, I think I would have a case. The last thing I would want to do is drag this whole mortifying episode into court and into the mainstream media. Then millions of people, rather than mere thousands, would be privy to the worst day of my life. It was not very nice of her to post it though. I know she really dislikes me and she sees me as an enemy, but I am not that man! 

I notice that she does have a way of relating to people as she expects them to be or as she wants them to be. Lydia was annoying in the beginning of the videos, but Lizzie does not seem to really listen to Lydia and does not seem to think about the effect on Lydia of the things she says. That day that Lydia came to comfort Lizzie after Charlotte left was an example. Lydia was reaching out to Lizzie, but Lizzie did not see her as anything but the annoying little sister who makes bad choices. Charlotte and Jane were right. Lizzie is not the best observer or reporter. I would guess that Lydia feels a lot like I do right now—misjudged and hurt by her sister. I never knew I would have anything in common with Lydia Bennet. 

November 10, 2012

The triathlon is next weekend. I will fly to Arizona two days before so I will be rested for the day of the race. I am looking forward to it. It is something different and new and will give my thoughts a better direction.

I hope I will find my way out of this quagmire of emotion and self-recrimination soon. My life has been uncomfortable for so long, I am getting tired of it. 

November 11, 2012

Veterans Day today and one of the poems I have always liked is from WWI. 

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow   
Between the crosses row on row,   
That mark our place; and in the sky   
The larks, still bravely singing, fly   
Scarce heard amid the guns below. 

We are the Dead. Short days ago   
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,   
Loved and were loved, and now we lie   
In Flanders fields. 

Take up our quarrel with the foe:   
To you from failing hands we throw   
The torch; be yours to hold it high.   
If ye break faith with us who die   
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow   
In Flanders fields.  
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD

Is it pathetic that I identify with this poem? I think of all of my hopes and dreams, now dead. It seems so trivial when compared to the loss of life in the wars, but I cannot help grieving them.


	63. Socially Awkward

November 12, 2012

I had a quiet weekend. Gigi came over on Saturday and I told her that I had had a bad experience with someone I thought I loved but that I was not ready to talk about it. She was very sympathetic and fussed around making dinner and taking care of me. It was sweet and warmed my heart. It was nice to be with someone who loves me. Thankfully, Gigi loves me, although I was worried that our relationship was over after the whole fiasco last winter. At least that is one thing that was not destroyed by that scoundrel. 

That book, Quiet, was really interesting. In it, Cain cites research as to whether people are high or low self-monitors. “Low self-monitors base their behavior on their own internal compass” as opposed to “modifying their behavior to the social demands of a situation.” “Low self-monitors can seem rigid and socially awkward.” I hardly needed the little quiz to discover that I appear to be a low self-monitor. Obviously, that trait is getting me into trouble and I need to discover a way to change. Cain recounts some of her consulting work with introverted people to help them meet the demands of their life. I think I will call Ms. Foster. She is a consultant and I have been pleased with her presentations at our company retreat. I hope she will be able to give me some guidance about how to change the manner in which I appear to people.

Lizzie is still talking about me in her videos. I was surprised to see Caroline show up there. She was spreading it on really thick. I hope Lizzie does not give Caroline the satisfaction of knowing what I wrote. I am still disturbed by Caroline’s behavior on the videos. Who am I that I could not tell that my friend’s sister is two-faced? And that the woman I thought I loved really hated me? I am calling Ms. Foster tomorrow to arrange for a consultation.

November 13, 2012

Ms. Foster had time to fit in our initial meeting Thursday morning before I leave for the triathlon. But, I was discomfited again when she knew what I was talking about. I had started to explain why I was consulting her, but she stopped me and said that she had seen the videos. Is there no end to my humiliation? I wish I had never met Lizzie Bennet. Then I wouldn’t be in this predicament and I wouldn’t feel so dreadful.

I know I have to tell Gigi about the videos and my involvement with Lizzie Bennet. I just heard from Fitz that Lizzie is going to be shadowing Pemberly in January. I do not want Gigi to be blindsided either by something Lizzie says or if she happens to do an internet search of Lizzie. But, I have this triathlon coming up and then it is Thanksgiving and we are spending it with the Lee family—how I wish we hadn’t made those plans before I knew about Caroline. And then Gigi has final exams. I do not want to upset or distract her. I will just wait until after her semester is over so that she has plenty of time to process everything.


	64. Publicly Humiliating Awakening

November 15, 2012

In Arizona and have all day tomorrow to rest and relax before the triathlon on Saturday. I am looking forward to it.

Remind me never to get on Charlotte’s bad side. She is very clear-thinking and has a way of cutting to the heart of the matter. Caroline sounded cynical and defensive. My eyes have definitely been opened. I never knew Caroline. Hearing her talk about interfering in people’s lives for their own good, I am ashamed. Lizzie was right. What business did I have making Bing’s decision for him? I could have shared my concerns with him and let him decide what was best to do. From now on, I will think before I try to direct someone else’s life.

My meeting this morning with Ms. Foster went well. I told her about the book and how I wanted to change the way I present myself and my ability to read social cues. Although she knew about Lizzie, she didn’t know about the woman from the office who pursued me for months without me noticing. She asked me some other questions about my background and interactions with friends and family as opposed to casual social interactions. I expressed my bitterness toward Lizzie at some point and she pointed out that if it weren’t for Lizzie Bennet, I would not be aware of a problem and would not be seeking to change and grow. Perhaps she is right. But my awakening did not need to be publicly humiliating. 

She gave me homework to do until we meet next week. I feel like a child again. And I also feel like I am trying to establish my identity again, like I did when I was in college and my father died and I had to explore and discover who I was, who I wanted to be, and how I was going to get there. I did it then, I can do it now. At least no one died. Although, the anguish is similar. My hopes and dreams died. Hopes and dreams about Lizzie that I had not really even acknowledged to myself. Even though I enumerated the reasons she was not a good partner for me, I desired just that with her. I had built up a fantasy of a future with her. But in that fantasy, I was not the man she thinks I am. I need to become the man in my fantasy. I hope that changing myself will alleviate my shame and heartache. If I can be proud of myself and who I am again, I can get past this. I shall conquer this. I shall.

November 18, 2012

I did it. I finished the triathlon with a respectable time. I feel really good. This weekend of being on my own with no one around who knew me and of achieving a difficult physical accomplishment has helped my melancholy. I feel much more hopeful and am optimistic that, with Ms. Foster’s help, I can make some changes and become a better person. I see her on Tuesday and then I head down to LA. I have some business meetings Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning. Fitz & Brandon are coming down with me. Gigi will fly down on Thursday to have Thanksgiving with Bing and Caroline and their family. She has classes this week and she wanted to avoid the madness of traveling on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.


	65. Scrupulously Polite

November 19, 2012

I just watched Lizzie’s video that was posted today. She welcomed me as a viewer. And she didn’t say anything nasty. I do hope that Bing never hears of her videos. Lizzie was wearing another ruffled shirt. What is it about ruffles that makes her look so appealing? Why does she still look appealing to me? I ought to hate the sight of her, given the memories. But she still fascinates me.

November 21, 2012

Fitz and Brandon were in rare form on the flight down yesterday. Sometimes when Fitz gets going, he is like an irresistible force. And Brandon just eggs him on. Of course, everyone always loves Fitz and forgives him for being loud and obnoxious on the airplane. He is exceptionally charming.

My meetings this week were tedious. I almost cannot remember a time when my work did not consist of meeting after meeting, conference call after conference call. I guess it comes with the job, but sometimes I wish I could have more time to spend doing work that I enjoy. I think I am feeling particularly chafed this week because Ms. Younge was at the meetings. She never fails to irritate me. Her grating voice and disingenuous manner combine to make being in the same room with her extremely disagreeable. At least I do not have to see her again for several months. I can be grateful that I do not work closely with her. 

I think Caroline has gotten the message. She has stopped seeking me out and asking me for help or suggesting that we do something in the evenings. She is pleasant to me, if we meet or if we are both with Bing, but beyond that, she does not bother me. I have been scrupulously polite, but I have tried to make it plain that I do not wish to be in her company. I do not want this to be an awkward weekend for Bing and his family.


	66. Thanksgiving in LA

November 22, 2012

I am fortunate that I had to pick up Gigi at the airport. It gave me the opportunity to drive my new car and get out of the house. I took the long way to the airport and had a great time driving fast. Caroline volunteered to make Thanksgiving dinner and was appropriating everyone to help or run errands. Today I am thankful that I do not have to go to the store on Thanksgiving day. And, I am thankful that I am have not seen much lately of Caroline Lee. Seriously, I am thankful for my wonderful sister and my good friends—Bing, Fitz, and Brandon. 

The dinner was good. Caroline was worn to a frazzle and had difficulty enjoying herself once everything was done. Fitz outdid himself on his pie. He is an excellent cook. It was good to have Fitz and Brandon here. Caroline was harassed, Gigi is still worried about me, Bing was somewhat distracted and not his usual self, I was trying not to react too negatively to Caroline…Fitz and Brandon provided much needed distraction.

I surreptitiously watched Lizzie’s video after going to my room this evening. Pink looks good on her. She doesn’t have many scruples about getting her own way, does she? But I will admit that she was right and Mr. Collins was wrong. There was no reason for Charlotte to stay over the weekend. He was just using her to assuage his unfounded anxiety. 

Tomorrow, Gigi and I are going to meet Katherine and Jay for drinks. It will give us something to do without having to hang around the house all day. I think Fitz and Brandon are visiting some of Brandon’s extended family who live fairly close. Gigi says she has school work to do, so I think that I will spend some of the day catching up on my work.

November 23, 2012

My meeting with Ms. Foster on Tuesday was very difficult. She helped me to see that it was not just my actions that were at fault at Netherfield, but also my attitude. I have spent several hours in the past few days contemplating what we discussed. I have been a selfish being all my life in practice, though not in principle. As a child I was taught what was right, but I was not taught to correct my temper. I was given good principles, but left to follow them in pride and conceit. Unfortunately an only son (for many years an only child) I was spoiled by my parents, who though good themselves, allowed, encouraged, almost taught me to be selfish and overbearing, to care for none beyond my own family circle, to think meanly of all the rest of the world. I am ashamed of myself all over again for my arrogance. Although I wish that my awakening had not been so painful, I have to admit that I owe Lizzie something for forcing me to take a look at myself. I do not like what I see, but I do have to remember to focus on my positive accomplishments as well as what I want to change in myself. Ms. Foster helped me to list them: I run a company with good morale as well as a healthy financial situation, I have close friends whom I love and trust, I have a wonderful sister who cares about me, and I am working to change the things I have recently identified as problems. I am supposed to ponder these things if I am tempted to become too hard on myself.

Later

Drinks with Katherine and Jay went well. Jay is a very pleasant and interesting man. He and Katherine seem like a good fit—Jay is also very enthusiastic about extreme sports. They actually met on a skydiving trip. Gigi enjoyed renewing her acquaintance with Katherine and meeting Jay. I am glad I never mentioned my thoughts about Katherine to Gigi, back when I thought Katherine was the perfect woman for me as opposed to Lizzie. I cannot believe how unaware of myself I was. 

November 25, 2012

Gigi went back to San Francisco yesterday evening. I have spent today working on the exercises Ms. Foster had assigned me and catching up on my Pemberly work. I did take the time to take my car out of a long drive. That car is great. It looks like I will be based in LA for a while again, but will travel to San Francisco at least once a week to meet with Ms. Foster and the Pemberly offices up there.


	67. My World's Delight

November 26, 2012

Ever since I got back from Aunt Catherine’s house, I have been dreaming about Lizzie. My dreams are different than the dreams I used to have about her. In the dream, I see Lizzie across the room, or through a forest, or up a flight of stairs and I start walking towards her. She smiles at me and I break into a run but before I reach her, she vanishes. I wake up feeling bereft. I found a poem that poignantly captures my experience. 

Dreams by Arthur Symons   
I  
To dream of love, and, waking, to remember you:  
As though, being dead, one dreamed of heaven, and woke in hell.  
At night my lovely dreams forget the old farewell:  
Ah! wake not by his side, lest you remember too!  
II  
I set all Rome between us: with what joy I set  
The wonder of the world against my world's delight!  
Rome, that hast conquered worlds, with intellectual might  
Capture my heart, and teach my memory to forget!

I thought that after Lizzie’s rejection of me, my feelings for her would cease. I thought that after watching her videos, my heart would be released, and my memory would forget my love for her. I thought that seeing her faults, I would not yearn for her. I was wrong. I had been trying to work on my own improvement, get back to work, run the triathlon, spend time with friends, and forget Lizzie. But it has not been working. She is still my world’s delight, and through my selfishness, vanity, and arrogance, I lost my chance. I will have to learn to deal with this. I am done trying to repress my feelings or change them. I will just have to endure them and work on making myself into a person of whom I can be proud.

November 27, 2012

Poetry can be very consoling. Reading poems helps me to feel like I am not the only one who has ever felt this way. It also helps me to articulate and express what I am feeling to myself. I learned my lesson about trying to deny my feelings. Now, I want to understand them. Here is my latest poem.

Yet nothing can to nothing fall,  
Nor any place be empty quite;  
Therefore I think my breast hath all  
Those pieces still, though they be not unite;  
And now, as broken glasses show  
A hundred lesser faces, so  
My rags of heart can like, wish, and adore,  
But after one such love, can love no more.  
― John Donne

At this point I cannot imagine ever loving anyone else. When I watched Lizzie’s video yesterday, I found myself just content to see her face, and I had to go back and start it again because I hadn’t heard what she said. You know, those videos allow me to see her and learn what is going on in her life, which, given my status as rejected, pathetic would-be lover, I would not normally get. Although they have brought me great pain, they have been useful and illuminating.   
I am glad Lizzie is happy to be home with her family and, of course, they are happy she is back. And, it looks like she is not going to be looking GW up any time soon. Thankfully, my message seems to have gotten across.


	68. Boundaries of Pain

November 29, 2012

Ms. Foster agreed that if poetry is helping me express and work through my feelings, that I should continue reading it. She would like me to socialize at a small party or event this weekend making sure that I pay attention to the social cues of others and convey an interest in the things that they find interesting. I will ask Gigi to help me find a party or event in which to do this. I am supposed to record my interactions, what we talked about, how the other person felt, and how I felt. This is going to be hard. But, I know that it is necessary. I want to be a man that others admire and esteem. I want to be a man who I am proud of. I will do what it takes to become that man.

Ms. Foster and I also discussed nonverbal cues and how to notice and read them. She tested me by giving me nonverbal cues and asking me to interpret them. Then she would expand upon what the cues could mean. It was illuminating. I have been missing subtle clues to people’s states of mind. Part of my homework is to attentively read and interpret nonverbal cues this weekend. There will be several people at a party, meaning much opportunity to practice.

Here is my newest poem:

You left me by Emily Dickinson  
You left me, sweet, two legacies,—   
A legacy of love   
A Heavenly Father would content,   
Had He the offer of;   
You left me boundaries of pain   
Capacious as the sea,   
Between eternity and time,   
Your consciousness and me.

In many ways, despite the pain I still feel, I am grateful to Lizzie for showing me myself. And, although I do have pain, it is easier to bear now that I am no longer stifling my real thoughts and feelings. I would rather know myself and be honest than be in the torment of denying what I feel. I feel raw and am grieving the loss of my chances with Lizzie for which I know I have only myself to blame. It is not comfortable. Despite that, I feel hopeful that this too shall pass. One day, I will feel whole and fulfilled.

I like Charlotte. She is right, but I appreciate that Lizzie was trying to keep my confidence, and I am glad that she didn’t share everything I told her in the letter. Gigi’s story was really not mine to share, but I felt that Lizzie needed to know that scoundrel’s crimes weren’t just one youthful peccadillo. But, if Lizzie isn’t sure who is right, why doesn’t she ask Fitz? I told her to appeal to him if she needed corroboration. She is not going to forgive me for Jane & Bing, right. But, she did say she was grateful for my letter, and she didn’t sound like she wanted to spit when she said my name, so that’s something. Yeah.

December 2, 2012

Last night, Gigi took me to a party that one of her acquaintances from school was having. Babs is a graduate student, so it was not some wild party, but more of a socializing party. I brought a bottle of wine, and my hostess seemed pleased with it. She smiled and I remembered to smile back. I even made small talk with her and a couple of other guests for a time. They seemed comfortable and I remembered to ask questions and participate in the conversation. Later, I sat down and found myself in a discussion of poetry with a literature graduate student. Joe was very enthusiastic and we found that we had much in common. He expounded upon theories and meanings of poems in a way that I am not used to thinking about them, but it was very interesting and I found it was not hard to say encouraging things or ask questions to keep the conversation going. He asked for my card and said we should get together some time. And, I found that I would look forward to that. I was exhausted when I got home, but I feel good about myself. I will have something good to report to Ms. Foster this week.


	69. Humility

December 3, 2012 

Lydia is a little much at times, but Jane made me laugh doing Lydia in costume theater. I know I played a big role in the drama and annoyance that Lydia was talking about and I regret it. It is wonderful that the Bennet sisters have each other. I know how important my sister is to me and how much she helps me.   
Gigi wanted to talk about my love life over the weekend, but I continued to put her off. I told her that I would be ready to talk about it soon, but not yet. One major reason is that I do not want Gigi distracted by Lizzie’s videos at the end of the semester. She has several papers and final exams in the next two weeks, and I do not want to jeopardize her concentration during this time. Also, I’m not that enthusiastic about sharing the worst moment of my life with my sister. It is not going to be good.

I am back in LA now until Thursday evening. I feel like I am getting back on track with my work. Although, I still have times when I am distracted by my thoughts or emotions, I do not worry about it, but just get back to work as soon as I can. I am trying to be more open to my sentiments, but less obsessed with them.

I took the car out into the desert today. The scenery was stark and beautiful and the lack of traffic was freeing and driving the car was exhilarating. When I am driving, I find that I do not worry or feel regret. It gives me a break.

I have not seen Bing much lately. He said he is busy with his commitments, but he seems to be out of town or out of the house more than usual. I made sure to get on his calendar for next week. We are planning to go to a new brew pub close by. I feel somewhat guilty that I have been so wrapped up in my own affairs that I have not been paying attention to my good friend.

This poem by Emily Dickinson caught my eye and I looked up the definition of humility. –modest estimation of one’s own importance. I think that is what I’m looking for here. Just because I happen to be a handsome single man in possession of a good fortune does not mean that life revolves around me. It’s ironic that I bemoaned the fact that no one would look at me for myself but only for my monetary or social worth, and yet, I believed that Lizzie would obviously fall for me for just those reasons. So, this poem reminds me that despite the pain and humiliation that I experienced—indeed, continue to experience—it has been a good lesson for me, and I am becoming a better person because of it. I hope.

Proud of my broken heart since thou didst break it,   
Proud of the pain I did not feel till thee,   
Proud of my night since thou with moons dost slake it,   
Not to partake thy passion, my humility.

Sometimes it feels unbearable to think of my life without Lizzie. But then I remember that it is my own fault that I am in this predicament, and I will find a way to deal with it. I have to believe that I can build a life even without Lizzie. It may be a life with less delight and joy than I had hoped for, but that does not mean it cannot be meaningful and satisfying.


	70. One Failed Relationship

December 6, 2012

Mondays and Thursdays have become extremely important days for me. I find myself checking Lizzie’s YouTube channel at 9:00 those mornings, unless I am in a meeting. But, I have been trying to schedule meetings for 9:30 or later in order not to interfere with seeing the videos right away. It is pitiful, I know, but right now, I can’t help it. Fitz knows a little about it. We have been talking often lately. Ms. Foster told me not to isolate myself as much and to let someone know what is going on inside of me. I do not want to talk to Gigi about it yet, and Bing is a little too involved and I do not want him to know about the videos, so Fitz was the logical choice. He knows I am still watching the videos and that I still care for Lizzie but that I don’t have any expectations. He knows that I am working with Ms. Foster. He has been mostly supportive, although he can’t resist teasing me sometimes. That is just who he is.

Lizzie’s English accent is not really accurate, but cute. She’s still mad at me for interfering with Bing. Seeing Jane away from Bing, I feel like I know her better and she is a better person than I thought she was. I should listen to her: “I don’t need one failed relationship to define me.” She really got to Lizzie today. I know what it feels like, Lizzie, having to think about where you are going and how you are going to change. I hope Lizzie finds the support she needs to figure things out. I can only imagine how hard it is to say goodbye to your sister once more. I wish I had the right to comfort her. But I do not and I never will. I hope I do not have to see her fall in love with someone on the videos. That would probably put an end to my watching. I could not handle seeing her with someone else at this time. Maybe later I will be able to feel less personally involved.

Later

Ms. Foster was very complimentary about my socializing last weekend. She would like for me to continue to try to socialize while paying attention to the social cues of the people I am talking with throughout the holiday season. She said we were fortunate in our time of year because there are so many parties. At the company Christmas party, I am to seek out those people I know the least first and make sure I connect with them. This is a lot of work. But, I hope the results will be worth it. 

December 8, 2012

Fitz and Brandon had a few people over last night. They were all people I knew, so it was not as draining. Their little lizard is actually kind of cute. It will get bigger, according to Brandon, but right now it is pretty small. It is also calm and friendly. It does not move a lot but will sit on your shoulder and look around for a long time. Gigi said that Mr. Knightley was intrigued by Dashwood. She was afraid that the cat would try to eat the lizard, but he never did.  
Fitz had made an incredible chocolate peppermint cake. He really has a gift. Sometimes I wish I had a talent for something creative. Many people enjoy cooking or gardening or music or writing. I do not have a hobby except for running or biking and driving my car fast. And those are not creative.


	71. Tantalizing Curve of her Neck

December 10, 2012

Yesterday on the way to the airport, I was bemoaning my lack of talent to Gigi and she became angry with me. She allowed that I may not have a creative hobby, but she lectured me on how my job is a creative outlet for me. She said that I have a flair for business and understand the creative and technical aspects of the field. She reminded me of my piano playing. Ever since I became CEO of Pemberly, I have not taken the time to play piano. Gigi suggested that I rectify this. She would not allow that I am not creative. And she may be right. I had only been thinking of hobbies and not careers. Perhaps I am not as hopelessly untalented as I thought.

I have been waiting for the time for Lizzie’s video to be posted. I started work early today, but as it gets closer to 9:00, I find that I am not concentrating very well. Now it’s time. Lizzie looks pretty today. And, she is even cuter with her father’s hat on. That dangling earring when she was pretending to be her father only emphasized the tantalizing curve of her neck and her charming femininity. It is lovely how much her family means to her, and how much they seem to love her, too. You know, I am glad that Gigi does not live with me. It means I do not have to deal with her and her energy and ideas as often as Lizzie has to be a part of Lydia’s plans. Of course, Gigi does pull me into her plans often and is probably just as good at manipulating me as Lydia is at manipulating Lizzie. 

If I didn’t hate loud parties and Lizzie didn’t hate me, I would be tempted to drive out to Netherfield and show up at the Bennet house. I really would love to see Lizzie. But I know that would be a terrible idea. She would not be happy to see me, and I really could not bear another scathing litany of my failings. I know that I am only distressing myself by watching the videos, but I cannot stop. I do know that in reality Lizzie Bennet wants nothing to do with me. But, since I want everything to do with her, I will take what I can. And, I love seeing her, even if it’s only in her videos.

Enough of this. It is time for me to buckle down and accomplish some of the myriad tasks awaiting my attention today.

December 12, 2012

Last night, Bing and I went out to the brew pub. It was good to spend time with him again, but I felt like I was hiding so much from him—my regret at my interference with him earlier this year, Jane’s true feelings for him, my feelings for Lizzie and all of that mess, Lizzie’s videos. He did not want to talk about school or his classes or his future plans. He seemed subdued and not his usual self. But he was pleasant and his eyes were not as sad as they were earlier in the fall. We ended up talking about beer and travel and innocuous topics like that. It was probably for the best. I had been so wrapped up in my own concerns, I did not stop to think about whether I should tell him about Lizzie’s videos. If I did that, he would see what Caroline and I did to him after his birthday party. Ugh. I hate to think that I behaved like Caroline. Her behavior gave me a disgust of her. Well, mine gave me a disgust of me, too, I guess. But I am trying to change. I think I have interfered with Bing’s life enough. I will not tell him about the videos.


	72. Poetry

December 13, 2012

Wow. Lydia’s party was something I’m glad I missed. Poor Lizzie. I wish I could have helped her keep control of the situation. But I would have not enjoyed being there at all. Except seeing Lizzie who looked amazing. That dress. Thankfully, Lizzie did not get re-taken in by GW’s stupid charm. She did a good impression of him, but I cannot believe he tried to grope her. That asshole. She said I had some virtues and I am not so bad. Is she changing her mind about how horrible I am? I wish she had answered Mary. Even if she is changing her mind about me, she did say I was the last man on earth she could ever fall in love with. I have to remember that however much I desire something, wishing does not make it so. She prefers peace and quiet and a good book to a party, as do I. I am kicking myself that I ruined my chances with her.

Joe texted today to see if I wanted to meet at a poetry reading on Friday night. I agreed. Apparently it is a university-sponsored event where graduate students read a favorite poem by a published poet, and then they read one of their own poems. He said it should be interesting. Indeed. Ms. Foster will be pleased that I have made a new acquaintance and accepted his invitation. 

Later

Feeling wistful tonight. Seeing Lizzie’s video this morning has made me think of what could have been had I behaved in a more gentleman-like manner to Lizzie from the beginning of our acquaintance. Found another poem by Emily Dickinson. She really seems to speak to me.

I hide myself within my flower,  
That wearing on your breast,  
You, unsuspecting, wear me too—  
And angels know the rest. 

I hide myself within my flower,  
That, fading from your vase,  
You, unsuspecting, feel for me  
Almost a loneliness.

I wish I had the right to give Lizzie flowers and spend time with her and expect her to feel the same way about me. Well, the only thing I can do is continue to try to be the man that would deserve her, even though I will never have her. I can at least be worthy of her, and perhaps this sharp sense of loss and regret will dull with time.

December 14, 2012

Gigi just called and told me that she is finished with all of her exams and just submitted her last paper. She was giddy because this was her last semester in college. She wants me to join her at the local pub where she is celebrating with her friends. She would not take no for an answer, and, obedient to Ms. Foster’s instructions to me, I consented. I will have quite a bit of work to do this weekend, but Gigi is happy with me. I can meet her for a while and still make it to the poetry reading to meet Joe later this evening.

Before meeting Gigi, I decided to sit down at the piano and play. It has been too long since I played, and I was rusty and the piano is out of tune. I will call tomorrow for a tuner. I think playing music will be soothing. And, I can use something soothing in my life at this time.

December 16, 2012

What a weekend. I am at the airport again, heading back to LA. Yesterday was the company Christmas party. I think it was a success, and so does Gigi. I did as Ms. Foster had suggested and concentrated my attention on the people I know the least. I paid attention to their facial expressions and body language and tried to ask questions and introduce topics of conversation that would be of interest. I did not mention work, although I did briefly answer questions anyone had of me. I think that I did a good job, and Gigi told me that she had never seen me socialize so much at a party before. 

The poetry reading with Joe was interesting. I heard some good poems and some I hadn’t heard before. The poetry by the graduate students was surprisingly good, although there were two that I did not care for. Joe introduced me to some of his friends at the reception afterwards. I think I comported myself appropriately there as well. 

But so much socializing this weekend was fatiguing. I am looking forward to a few days of quiet. Although one consequence of being so busy this weekend was that I did not have as much time to think about Lizzie. That may have been a good thing.

Lizzie did tweet this weekend. She does not use Twitter often, but Lydia’s birthday celebrations seemed to spark a volley of tweets from her. It was bittersweet to see them. I liked knowing what she was doing, but I wished that I could be a part of her plans. I do not feel as raw and agonized as I did when she first rejected me, but it still hurts. I know this is normal, and I am not trying to block the pain, but I do wish it was over.


	73. Robot

December 17, 2012

Lizzie’s video this morning was quite intense. When Lydia said, “You hate Darcy,” my heart sank and I felt nauseous. I had rather forgotten how much she dislikes me. Although I did not realize it, I had hoped that since she seemed to believe me and she admitted that I had some virtue, she might be revising her opinion of me. Perhaps that is the problem, her opinion of me may change, but her dislike of me remains. I must not let myself forget that again. It puzzles me that I could still love her so deeply when she loathes me. Well, that is the state of my life right now, and I will just find a way to live with it.

If I were ever to write poetry, I think now would be the time of my life that I could. Poetry comes from strong feelings and the loss and anguish I feel ought to lend itself to poetical expression. But, unfortunately, anything I try to write sounds trite and clichéd. I will have to content myself to reading poetry rather than writing it.

Later

The video this morning did make me realize that interfering in others’ lives, even for the best of reasons, can backfire. Lizzie has that sense of responsibility for her sister that I feel for mine and for my friends. But it caused her to hurt her sister by seeming to find her lacking. I know that when I stepped in when Gigi was involved with whatshisname, she did not thank me for it and for a while I thought she would never say a kind word to me again. Thankfully, she came around and we mended our relationship, and I know that I was right to step in. But, I worry about what will happen if Bing finds out the extent of my meddling in his life. What I still cannot understand is why Jane would kiss another man at Bing’s party when she obviously felt deeply for Bing. 

I cannot decide if I like Lizzie’s hair down or up. It is very pretty down and I would like to run my fingers through her hair. It looks so soft and smooth. But, when her hair is up, her elegant neck and sweet little ears are visible and those are so appealing and my mouth gets dry just thinking about kissing her neck under her ear. Enough. There is a line between acknowledging and working through my feelings, and torturing myself with fantasies.  
Bing has a piano here and it is in tune. I brought some of my more simple music and have been playing piano when I get a chance. It is amazingly cathartic. It relaxes me and makes me feel calm.

December 18, 2012

Ms. Foster is encouraged by my progress. We had a video meeting because I could not get away from LA this week. And I actually feel proud of myself. It has not been easy to socialize with so many strangers and acquaintances, but I did it and I worked hard, and I think I learned something. I am learning to be less self-centered when I am in company, and I hope that will help me come across as less arrogant. Actually, I want to come across as not arrogant at all, but friendly and encouraging and helpful. So, I need to keep working. I will not see Ms. Foster for a few weeks because of the holidays, but she agreed that I am on the right track. I will keep working at it, because it is very important to me to become a man of whom I can be proud rather than the unpleasant robot that Lizzie Bennet saw. 

I need to start thinking about Christmas presents. I have ideas for Fitz and Bing. I suppose I need to get Caroline something, too. But I can’t think of something to get for Gigi. I want it to be something special because she is so special to me, but I am having trouble thinking of anything. I could tweet and ask the people on the internet, but then she would see it, so that will not work. I need to start thinking because soon we will be heading to the ski chalet for Christmas, just Gigi and I. While we are there, I will tell her about Lizzie and the videos. It is not going to be pretty. Not only do I not want her to see GW, but she is going to see how badly I ruined everything with Lizzie. I know I will be the butt of some sisterly teasing. But Lizzie will be at Pemberly in January, and Gigi needs to know. It will be good for my new-found humility.


	74. I Am a Hate BFF

December 20, 2012

Lizzie’s video today was sad. I know that Gigi said some pretty hateful things to me last year, but I also know how hurtful it was for her. Lizzie does not seem to understand what Lydia is angry about. Poor Lizzie. It is another instance of her not seeing what the other person is trying to say. Of course, Lydia is not really trying to get through to Lizzie, but just trying to hurt Lizzie too. I hope they are able to make it up before Christmas because I know how much they mean to each other and how much Lizzie loves Christmas. I wish Lydia wouldn’t keep mentioning me. It is depressing to be reminded that I am a “hate BFF.”

December 21, 2012

End of a long work week. I am in the airport heading up to San Francisco again. Gigi and I will leave Sunday night for our Christmas trip. Unfortunately, Caroline and Bing are coming to San Francisco for the holidays with extended family and we are going out to dinner before Gigi and I leave. Not that I mind having dinner with Bing, but acting normally around Caroline is beginning to wear. At least I do not have to try to act like the new, friendly me—I don’t want to be friendly with Caroline. Here I am counting my blessings.

December 23, 2012

Most of my Christmas shopping is finished. Mrs. Reynolds took care of the company gifts last week and I got Mrs. Reynolds what we have always gotten her: a weekend at the bed and breakfast at which she and her husband spent their honeymoon. I ended up getting Gigi a beautiful anthology of poetry book and front row tickets and backstage passes for a concert of one of her favorite bands. I do not know why she likes that group, but she does, so I hope she will be happy with the gift. Fitz has been drooling over the cooking show of that French pastry chef, so I purchased 4 cooking lessons in Paris for him, and I pulled some strings to get Brandon a football autographed by five of the most famous 49ers. Bing’s gift was an inspiration; I purchased him a year in the European beer club. He will get twelve beers sent to him each month for a year. I got Caroline a gift card to her favorite clothing store. 

I saw several things I would have liked to get Lizzie, but that is not to be. There was this pretty pink ruffled shirt on display when I went to get Caroline’s gift card. I could just imagine Lizzie in it. Sigh.

I am all packed and ready to go. In a few minutes I will head over to Gigi’s to meet her and Bing and Caroline for dinner. Then Gigi and I will leave for the ski chalet. I am looking forward to skiing and spending Christmas with Gigi, but I am not looking forward to telling her everything.


	75. Merry Christmas

December 24, 2012

Seventy-five videos is quite an accomplishment and I thought Lizzie’s idea to engage her viewers was brilliant. I have been so focused on the personal with Lizzie’s videos that I have not attended to the professional aspects of them. She has some innovative ideas, such as costume theater and the viewer responses. Of course, Lizzie is a charming storyteller and that helps make her ideas work very well. These videos bode well for her success in the field. 

Her viewers really wanted to see me. I never looked at the comments after the videos in which I appeared. I did not need to hear everyone agreeing with Lizzie’s assessment of my character. I hadn’t thought that I disappointed all of her viewers when I acted like an arrogant, vain idiot back in the fall. I had been focused on my embarrassment, but it had not occurred to me that the viewers would have had expectations of me. Wow. Glad I did not think of it then. It is a little much to deal with.

Gigi is calling me to go skiing. 

Later

Lizzie’s video started me thinking about what Christmas means to me. We always came skiing at Christmas, so it has always been a white Christmas and that is important to me. Mr. & Mrs. West, the caretakers, always decorate the chalet so beautifully for Christmas and Mrs. West makes cookies and pies and other goodies, and that is important to me. But, what really makes it Christmas to me is drinking cocoa and singing Christmas carols around the tree on Christmas Eve. Tonight Gigi and I did that and I actually got tears in my eyes and had to pretend I was choking so as not to completely embarrass myself. I asked Gigi what made it Christmas for her and she said coming downstairs on Christmas morning in pajamas and opening the stockings. Good thing I remembered to get stocking stuffers for her!

December 25, 2012

It has been a good Christmas. Gigi was thrilled with the gifts and the stocking. She gave me a pocket watch and had it engraved with my name and “Love, Gigi.” I will treasure it, not just because it is a handsome watch, but because it was given to me with her love.

After we got back from lunch with Aunt Catherine, Aunt Emma and Uncle John and the cousins at their house, I told Gigi I wanted to talk to her. It was hard to get started and I wasn’t able to meet her eye several times during my explanation, but I did it. I thanked her for being understanding and not pressing me even when she knew something was wrong. She was really sweet and could not believe I could make such an ass of myself. I told her of the videos, including that GW was in them and also me. I told her what I have been doing in the past couple of months to become a better person. In some ways I should have talked to her before, because she was so very encouraging and flattering to me. But, she does not have any responsibilities this week until she goes back to Pemberly after the new year, and she will have time to watch and process the videos if she so desires. She told me she wants to see what this woman thought of me. Well, she will get to see all right. I texted Fitz to say I told Gigi and she is planning to watch the videos. He needs to know because if she gets upset, she may turn to him instead of me. I am grateful that he has always been there to help me with Gigi whenever we needed him. Fitz is an exceptional friend.

December 26, 2012

We are back from the trip and Gigi did not want me to stay and watch the videos with her. I told her to call me if she needed me. Now I am home and I unpacked, but I cannot settle down to work or read. I am worried about Gigi. I think I will re-watch the videos today too.

Later

That was illuminating again. Lizzie did talk about me a great deal. I saw more clearly this time how idealistic and generous and devoted to family and friends Lizzie is. She feels a sense of responsibility not only for her family and her friends, but also for the world and the culture. On the other hand, she is insecure and unsure of her future and I really hurt her by my disparagement of her. She definitely gets defensive when she is hurt; I saw that recently with her fight with Lydia. But despite her defensiveness, she is charming and sweet and a wonderful woman. I wish I had not acted the way I did and lost my chance with her. 

I called Gigi and she said she is fine, but she did not want to talk to me right then. She assured me it is not because she is angry with me, but merely because she is watching and processing the videos. She said she would call me tomorrow.


	76. Happy New Year

December 27, 2012

Lizzie looks gorgeous in that sweater. Happy New Year, Lizzie. I hope you find where you are supposed to be and I hope you find happiness. But if you find a boyfriend, I will have to stop watching because it will hurt too much. But I will be happy for you, if you are happy. I just will not be able to watch.

I think Charlotte remembered why Pemberly Digital sounded familiar, but Lizzie does not seem to have placed it. Of course, we did not talk much about my work when I was at Netherfield and she was not really interested in hearing about me. I hope it is not too much of a shock when she finds out. At least I am heading back to LA on New Year’s Day, so she will not have to worry about seeing me. If I have to come up to San Francisco while she is here, I will take care to stay out of her way. I do not want her to be uncomfortable.

Gigi just called. She saw the video too. She wanted to know if I knew about Lizzie coming and I told her that Fitz and I had talked about it. She wanted to know why I did not tell her and how I felt and I told her my plan to stay out of Lizzie’s way so she wouldn’t feel awkward. Gigi said it was a shame that I would not see Lizzie. I think she knows how much I want to. But it is best this way. 

December 29, 2012

It is great to be in my own home for such a long time. I have been enjoying the space and quiet alone time this week. I do wish I had my car here, though. But, it doesn’t make sense to move it up from LA yet, since I will be down there most of the time for at least the next couple of months. 

New Year’s Eve Gigi and I are going to the big charity dinner dance. It has been a tradition for years in our family to attend. I am trying to think of it as another opportunity to practice my newly acquired social skills, instead of dreading it. Ms. Foster says that a great deal of success in being friendly is in the attitude one brings to the event. I know my attitude has been at fault in the past, and I am trying to change that. Hank & Bernie and Katherine & Jay will also be there, so I will not have to socialize solely with strangers.

One thing I have been doing this weekend is reading through my journal. I think it is humorous that Lizzie and I both started our videos/journal around the same time. Little did we know how much our lives would intertwine during those six months. I do not know how I can untangle Lizzie from my life, but I am going to have to figure it out. I do not think my attitude toward the Bennets and their town was humorous, though. I cannot believe how supercilious and ungenerous I was. No wonder Lizzie hates me. I did not recall how extreme I was in my opinions and judgments during that time at Netherfield. I looked down on Lizzie as if I were better than her, when all along, it was I who did not deserve her. I hope I am becoming a man that would deserve her, even though there is no hope for me with her.

I also noticed that in the beginning of my journal I wrote mostly about work and what I was doing. Lately, I have not been writing about work as much, but instead writing more about what I have been thinking and feeling. I hope this means that I am becoming more self-aware, and more aware of the feelings of those around me.

December 30, 2012

Today was Gigi’s birthday. She has always hated having a birthday so close to Christmas because it always feels anticlimactic. In order to make her day special, we flew up to Seattle where I had arranged a special seven course dinner with different wines paired with each course. I gave her a pair of Mother’s earrings that I had been saving, as well as a new desk for her office. She had been complaining that the old desk was inconvenient and ugly. My assistant found a striking antique desk that I hope Gigi will like to use as well as to look at. She thanked me and told me that it was her best birthday ever. I am glad I asked Fitz for advice.

January 1, 2013

A new year, a new me. Maybe. Once again, I am writing in my journal in the airport while I am waiting for my plane back to LA. But, the new me is more humble and less arrogant, more forgiving of other people’s foibles and flaws and less judgmental, more thoughtful and less selfish, more open to new people and less socially awkward. I hope. At least I am on my way. More than one person in the past couple of weeks has commented that I seem happier. Perhaps my new attitude is shining through. Am I happier? In some ways, I think that I am. I think that I am more aware of myself, and I have mapped out changes I want to make and am making them. I feel good about that. I still feel sad that I have lost the woman I love. But I am not going to wear my heart upon my sleeve and punish everyone around me for my stupidity. So, on the whole, I guess I am happier despite the part of me that grieves.

January 3, 2013

I miss Lizzie’s videos. It is funny how much I have grown to depend upon them for my “Lizzie-fix.” She should be in San Francisco by now, since she is supposed to be at Pemberly tomorrow. I wonder what she will post on Monday. Will we get to see her new apartment? 

This week has been busy, but with almost no meetings, which means I have been very productive. Bing and Caroline are not back yet; they come back Sunday. I have had the house to myself. There is a big board meeting next week, so I have been preparing for that. I am eager to begin implementing the new products Pemberly is developing. We are poised to make news and, I hope, start a new trend in the field. It is an exciting time for Pemberly Digital.

January 5, 2012

Gigi called to let me know that Lizzie had made it to Pemberly on Friday. She said that she “kind of met” Lizzie. When I asked what she meant, she said, “You’ll see.” That must mean that Gigi is in Lizzie’s video for Monday. What has she done? She would not tell me, but I threatened her with all kinds of sibling retribution if she bothered Lizzie about me or told Lizzie of my continued feelings for her. Now I am going to be on tenterhooks until Monday.


	77. Strangling Gigi

January 7, 2013

I don’t even know where to start. I am going to seriously strangle Gigi. Although, she was not inappropriate, but she did push things a little. Did she not think that Lizzie would find out who she was? Oh, and Lizzie trying to get out of shadowing Pemberly because of me. The way she said my name, like it was distasteful. And the way she said it was a hard decision whether to miss graduating or shadow at Pemberly. Will I never be able to atone for the unpleasantness I have caused Lizzie? To have behaved so egregiously that she could seriously think postponing her graduation was better than accidentally running into me. It is a good thing I am here in LA. I certainly do not want to make her more uncomfortable.

Gigi is not answering her phone. Likely she is trying to avoid talking to me right now. But Fitz is encouraging her on Twitter. He is not answering his phone either. Those two!

On a lighter note, Gigi was wearing the necklace I gave her. She must like it since she wears it when I am not there.

Whoa! Board meeting in 15 minutes.

Later

Thankfully, I was able to pull myself together and concentrate on the Board meeting, which was as long and aggravating as usual. Note to self: do not watch Lizzie’s videos right before an important meeting.

I met Bing when I got home and we ended up going out for dinner. Fortunately, Caroline was not at home. We went to an Afghan restaurant I have been wanting to try and the food was delicious. Bing seemed to be in a better mood than he has been lately. He asked me quite a few questions about my charitable giving, both personal and corporate. He said that he was potentially interested in setting up a charitable foundation with some of his money. My mother set up the Darcy Foundation when I was a young boy, so I could not help him with practical details of setting up something. But I did explain how DF is structured and what kinds of charities it supports. My parents raised me to be generous in sharing our wealth with those less fortunate and with deserving causes. DF has been particularly supportive of the prevention of human trafficking in South America. Whenever I hear the statistics or the stories of women and children saved from traffickers, I always feel sick. Anyway, Bing had questions and I did my best to answer him. It was a good evening.

January 8, 2013

Ms. Foster and I had a teleconference again today. She said that the changes in me are noticeable to her in our conversations. That was extremely encouraging to me. She cautioned me to remember that I will always be introverted, but I can act extroverted when it is appropriate. I do feel less reserved and more relaxed in social situations these days.

I have to attend meeting in San Francisco at a potential investor’s office tomorrow. I do not plan to go to Pemberly, but I will stay overnight at my house before going back to LA. The temptation is strong to stop by Pemberly and perhaps run into Lizzie, but it is better if I do not.


	78. She Touched Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who has been waiting for this day?

January 10, 2013

Yesterday evening I was too unsettled to write. While I was in my meeting, Fitz texted to ask me to stop by Pemberly before I went home because he had something to run by me. Since it was after business hours and Lizzie was not likely to still be in the building, I concurred. When I got to there, Gigi grabbed me and dragged me up to an office on the second floor, instead of letting me go to Fitz’s office. It was Lizzie’s office and she was there. I was stunned. I had not expected to see her, in fact, my plan was to avoid her. Being in her presence, smelling her perfume, I was overwhelmed. And it was pretty obvious. Watching the video—I sounded like a dork. At least I pulled it together during the course of the conversation. And, Lizzie seemed just as surprised as I was. At least she didn’t yell at me and tell me to get out of her sight. She was polite and smiled at me. She seemed to really like Pemberly. And at the end, she didn’t just thank me for trying to make her time at Pemberly pleasant, she touched me. She touched me. She reached out and touched my arm. Maybe she does not hate me as much as she used to. Maybe there is hope that she has stopped thinking so poorly of me. But, I am not going to read too much into it. Much as I enjoyed her touch, I know that I was vastly mistaken in her sentiments towards me in the fall. I am not going to make the mistake of wishing my feelings onto her and thinking that is reality.

Gigi and Fitz will not listen to anything I say. At dinner last night, Gigi just laughed and told me not to worry. I did make her promise not to tell Lizzie that I still have feelings for her. I made it very clear that would be unacceptable. She stopped laughing and promised. I extracted the same promise from Fitz later. Thank goodness. I do not want to be humiliated again. I do not think I could handle it if Lizzie rejected my feelings again. 

It develops that the investor would like to meet with me again tomorrow, so I will be staying in San Francisco for the weekend.

January 11, 2013

Just heard from Bing that he is heading up here this evening and will be around for a week or two. He was vague about why, just said that he had some things to look into in San Francisco. He will be staying with me. When Gigi heard about it, she invited the two of us over for dinner tomorrow. She will be trying out a new dish. The brother is always the guinea pig. Bing was amenable to the plan, so that is what we will do.

January 13, 2012

Dinner at Gigi’s was great. She is really becoming a good cook. I really liked the dark chocolate cake she made. She told Bing that Lizzie was at Pemberly, so now Bing wants to come in to see her tomorrow. I hope she does not mind. I am not going to tell him about the videos. No. I am done interfering in his life.

I have decided to stay in San Francisco this week because Bing is going to be here. I do not want to go back to LA and stay with just Caroline in the house. There is nothing in LA that I cannot reschedule or take care of through video conference. This will also allow me to see Ms. Foster in person rather than through teleconference. Who am I kidding? It also means that I might see Lizzie again.


	79. She Does Not Hate Me

January 14, 2013

Well, that was an awkward meeting. Lizzie did not look happy with Bing. And she obviously has not forgiven me for the part I played in taking him away from Jane. Bing is right, though. I need to give more people the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming they are all out to take advantage of me and those I love. There are good reasons I am wary—A., GW.—but that does not mean that everyone is like them. I have been trying to change that about myself. 

Later

Bing asked me about Lizzie. He said she seemed tense and confrontational. I did not know what to say to him. I stammered something about her being hurt by us leaving so abruptly last fall. Happily, he did not pursue the subject.

January 15, 2013

I saw Lizzie at a meeting this morning, and happened to leave the building at the same time as she this evening. I offered her a ride home, but she said that she was meeting Gigi at a nearby bar. I am glad that she and Gigi are getting along well. I hope Gigi is keeping her promise about not telling Lizzie of my feelings for her. I have to trust that she is. It has not even been one week since I saw Lizzie again, and yet, it feels like many weeks have gone by. Partly that is due to how much I think about her, but I know that it is also partially due to the fact that she is being pleasant and polite to me. I have been vigilant about watching for her nonverbal cues, but I have not seen any of the things Ms. Foster told me to look for in someone who is bored, angry, or wishing to get away. Lizzie smiles at me, she makes eye contact, and she actually thanked me for offering her a ride. Maybe she does not hate me anymore. That would be a relief.

I talked to Ms. Foster today about my interactions with Lizzie. She asked questions and agreed that it did not seem that Lizzie is harboring hatred for me any longer. She warned me not to read too much into Lizzie’s lessening of dislike for me. She stated that often in our desire for another person, we read too much into their friendliness and end up pushing too hard. I am to be friendly and that is all. I am not to make demands or declarations to Lizzie. I am to let her lead the tone of the relationship, but I should continue to be alert to her nonverbal cues. It is somewhat lowering that I have to have a coach, as if I were in middle school and just becoming interested in girls. But, I am planning to heed Ms. Foster’s advice. We all know that my instincts are not to be trusted in this situation.


	80. Nonverbal Cues

January 17, 2013

I find myself visiting the second floor more often these days. Yesterday, it paid off when I saw her in the hall and she invited me to her office. She wanted to do costume theater with someone. But, we were to play ourselves. She obviously had something on her mind, so I complied. She was right that we would not have naturally had that conversation, but I was glad that we were speaking. She still is not happy with my decision to interfere with Bing in the fall. For that matter, I am not happy with that decision any more, either. But, I think she had to concede my point about further interference not necessarily being a good idea. 

I waited to write about this in my journal because I wanted to see the video. It was interesting to see what came before our conversation. I do tend to seem stiff on the videos. I guess that is how I seem in life. Maybe not quite so rigid. In real life, I am not being filmed sitting next to the woman I love, who does not return my love. I will have to ask Gigi. Maybe.

One good thing about the video is that I could really see Lizzie’s nonverbal cues. In the beginning of the video, she was definitely leaning away from me, but she seemed to become more comfortable as the conversation progressed. However, although she said that I had been helpful, it seemed clear that she was annoyed at my refusal to share all of her opinions. Unfortunately, that cannot be helped. I cannot be less than honest with Lizzie, even if it does not help my cause.

Later

I saw Lizzie and Gigi in the lunch room earlier, and Gigi called me over to sit with them. Lizzie was pleasant and friendly to me. So, despite being unhappy with me yesterday, it does not seem to have renewed her hatred of me.

I spoke with Gigi privately later this afternoon and asked her if I always seem so robotic in real life. She laughed and said that it is only when I am nervous that I tuck my chin and become inflexible. I tuck my chin? I did not know that. I will have to pay attention. 

Gigi then proceeded to give me some advice about how to approach Lizzie. I told her that I had no plans to approach Lizzie, that Lizzie had made it very clear that she did not want to be approached by me and that I was going to honor her wishes. Gigi was frustrated with me, but I would not budge. I do not need to be pestering Lizzie when she has made her feelings and wishes very clear. Gigi thinks that Lizzie is really getting to know me and she will change her mind about me. That is not necessarily logical. Yes, Lizzie and I have been able to spend some time together lately, and she may be getting to know me better. But, it does not follow that she will like me or be interested in me just because she knows me better. I know better than that now. I am not so vain as to think to know me is to love me. Gigi is sweet for thinking so, though.

January 18, 2013

Tonight I am going with Joe and a few of his friends to a jazz concert. Joe had been back in Idaho for the Christmas break, but he came back to town last week and contacted me about the concert. I think it will be my turn to extend an invitation to something next. I wonder what would be an event he would enjoy.

I have purposefully not asked Gigi what Lizzie is doing this weekend. It is better not to know. It is possible that she would meet another man and begin dating while she was here. Perhaps she would not mention it in her video. Or, perhaps she is going out with some women friends and looking to meet men. Thinking of her with someone else is a searing pain. I just cannot cope with it.

Every time I see Lizzie—in the hall, at a meeting, at lunch with Gigi—I catch my breath and my heart leaps. Every time. How many times have I seen her since she has been at Pemberly? And still, I feel the butterflies in my stomach when she is around. There are times when it has taken all of my willpower not to reach out and touch her hair. It is so lush and gorgeous and it frames her face and falls past her shoulders so enticingly. Oh, why did I act like such an ass?

January 19, 2013

An extra video today! Gigi is really laying it on thick, asking Lizzie to come see the city with us. I hope Lizzie is not feeling pressured to spend time with me. I feel somewhat annoyed with her for this obvious matchmaking, but, on the other hand, I benefit from it, since I am able to spend time with Lizzie that I would not have without Gigi. She and Fitz are incorrigible, but I know that it is motivated by their regard for me. That is rather endearing.

One of Joe’s friends who went with us last night is a graduate student in music composition. I had met Robyn after the poetry reading last month, but last night I got a chance to talk to her about her work. Her ambition is to compose music for Hollywood films, but she realizes that she will not achieve that goal without putting in her time on smaller projects first. She was fascinating to converse with, and she will be sending me some examples of her work. I have thought that perhaps we should have a music department at Pemberly rather than having to contract out for music. Perhaps Robyn will be someone to get that started.


	81. All in Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today part of the entry is guest-written by Flan Deerfield who had an idea and sent it to me. Thanks for the beautiful entry, Flan.

January 21, 2013

Lizzie must have filmed this video last Friday. I remember that outfit and how distracted I was by the earrings trembling by her neck and emphasizing the deep color of her hair. I like writing in my journal as I watch the videos. It helps me think about them and process what is happening. I pause a lot, but otherwise I might just get caught up in watching Lizzie and forget to listen to her.

I wonder if her non-interference policy has anything to do with what we talked about on Monday. Is she actually listening to what I say and agreeing with me? That is more than I hoped for, when I started hoping that she would not hate me forever. Lizzie is awfully cute when her allusions fall flat…metaphorical garden.

Gigi almost gave me away there. Thankfully, she realized she was about to say that I was always nervous around Lizzie because of my feelings for her. Wow. Their conversation has been just about as awkward as any of my conversations. Poor Gigi. Obviously, it still bothers her to be reminded of the hot tub—another thing to thank GW for. 

Yeah. I have a feeling I will be hearing from Bing soon. I hope he is able to forgive me.

January 22, 2013

Today at the office while on a short break between tasks, I picked up my Popular English Poetry book. I leafed through it and stopped at this from Lord Byron:

She walks in Beauty, like the night  
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;  
And all that’s best of dark and bright  
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:  
Thus mellowed to that tender light  
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

I was stopped cold in my tracks. Suddenly the image of Lizzie in that black dress at the party back in the spring filled my imagination. It was as if she was right there in front of me, hyacinths and all. For a moment I couldn’t move, transported by the beauty of the vision.

The poem continues with two more stanzas of equal loveliness and grace. Those people, the poet and the lady in black, are of a very different time and place than Lizzie and me. But the poem evokes perfectly the way the play of light and shadow – sometimes from within – creates on Lizzie’s face and her whole person a thousand different images, each one more captivating than the last. A beauty which does not overwhelm with its glamour, but instead enthralls quietly and persistently with its sacred, understated softness.

And the tone of the poem, the quiet intensity of admiration and enchantment, reflects perfectly the way Lizzie makes me feel.

Whoa. Did I just write that? Knowing Lizzie, loving Lizzie, having a deeper appreciation for poetry and literature is changing me. I seem a stranger to myself sometimes. And yet, somehow this me that I’m learning to know, is more truly me. Maybe even a better me.

I must reread the poem and ponder these things further. How I long to do this reflecting with Lizzie herself. But it will never be. Though we are more friendly now, her rejection of me as a romantic interest was final, I am sure.

January 23, 2013

Bing has been in his room when I came home the past two evenings and has not come out. When I knocked and asked if he wanted dinner he declined and said that he was busy. Tonight he is not here, and I am planning to wait until he comes in and try to ask him what is going on and if need be, ask his forgiveness. I am working in the living room, so I will hear him come in and he will not be able to get by me.

I gave Lizzie my personal phone number today. I told her I was giving it to her in case she needed anything or something came up. She looked at my card like it was peculiar and hesitated before she thanked me. I hope she does not crumple it up and throw it away. I would love for her to call me.

Robyn sent her music and I listened to it and forwarded it to several of the VPs and Directors. There seems to be enthusiasm for establishing a music department and offering Robyn a place at Pemberly. HR is working on a job description and title and then we will start the official wheels rolling.

Later

Well, Bing watched some of the videos. Enough to know that Jane really loved him and Caroline and I really manipulated him. I apologized and told him that now I knew I had been insufferable and there was no excuse for my behavior. Bing was polite, but said he had some thinking to do. He is planning to leave tomorrow. I asked him if we were still friends and he said yeah. But I know that he has been hurt by me and it will not ever be the same between us. What an unbearably arrogant jerk I have been. I will be sorry for it forever. I lost the woman I loved and maybe one of my best friends. I must never be like that again.


	82. Beautiful Woman!

January 24, 2013

Looking forward to another Lizzie Bennet Diaries video this morning. I wonder what Lizzie will talk about today. Oh, it looks like she is going to talk about Pemberly. It seems like she likes it here. Gigi must have radar to be able to tell when Lizzie is filming. Wait. Gigi, what are you doing? She does not need to rake up all of these old feelings. Oh, Lizzie, I love you even more when you are sweet and caring to my sister. I do not need to rake up all of these feelings again. It was bad when that asshole betrayed me, but when he used my sister and stole her innocence and happiness, I seriously wondered if I could restrain my impulse to do him immense bodily harm. Oh, Gigi, I love you and I need you. I do not know what my life would be without you. I must tell her that. No, Lizzie. I will not kill you. I know it was not you who made the decision to tell the story. I thank you for really caring for my little sister.

Later

Gigi came to my door a few minutes after the video aired. She asked if she could come in and if I had seen the video. I gave her a big hug and she cried. I held her and told her how I felt. I even had tears in my eyes, but I do not think she knew. I told her how sorry I was that I failed her, and that I did not keep her safe. She told me that that was not my job. She is an adult and I am not to treat her like a child, but to let her make her own decisions and chart her own course. I am not supposed to withhold information from her, even if it is unpleasant. I will try. I love my sister, and I want to be the best brother I can be.

January 25, 2013

Lizzie is going to lunch with Fitz today. Fitz made sure to come by my office and tell me. He loves to torment me. I wish I were going to lunch with Lizzie. But all of my interactions with her are because of work, or because she is with Gigi and I tag along. Yes, but that is better than nothing. I had nothing and at least now I am able to see her and spend some time with her.

Instead of going to lunch, I am reading poetry in my office. Here is one that could have been written for Lizzie:

Beautiful Woman! By Ramdas Bhandarkar

Beautiful like fresh flower,   
Beautiful with rainbows in eyes,   
Beautiful with shyness and smile,   
beautiful woman! 

Beautiful are the star like eyes  
Deeper than deepest ocean,   
Ocean of feelings and love,   
Beautiful is that motherly heart! 

Beautiful woman thy beauty is thy compassion,   
Thy beauty is in patience and knowledge,   
Thy beauty lies in flowerless lips with precious smile, 

Beautiful woman, most abstract beauty,   
Not that beauty felt by eyes  
Nor that skin or hair,   
Not that grace or style, beautiful woman,   
you are the beauty! 

There is more to the poem, but these lines seem to capture Lizzie’s essence for me. It is not just that she is beautiful on the outside—her hair, her petite stature, her face, her femininity—but she has an inner beauty that shines through the spark in her eye, her sweet caring for her family and my sister, and her passion for changing the world. I could never tire of watching her—the play of expression across her dear face, how her hair shifts and her ears peek through, her sparkle. 

And now it is time to return to my work and leave my fantasies behind. I am not going to think about the time when Lizzie leaves, but I am going to enjoy what I have now and worry about tomorrow when it comes. Actually, tomorrow promises to be pretty good. Gigi and I are taking Lizzie sightseeing. And, in order to do that, I need to finish several things. Next week is going to be an exciting week for Pemberly.

January 26, 2013

What a glorious day! It started out badly when I tore a contact this morning and had to wear my glasses. I was afraid Lizzie would tease me about looking even more like a robotic newsie but she just exclaimed that I had glasses. I explained about the torn contact, and that was that. It was beautiful weather, though a bit chilly and we had a lovely time showing Lizzie the city. Gigi did nothing preposterous and did not blatantly throw us together or leave us alone or anything. That was a relief. I was somewhat worried, but had taken the opportunity to speak to her before we picked up Lizzie. Lizzie was pleasant and agreeable all day and I think we had fun. She did not lean away from me, and she smiled and made eye contact with me. In fact, she seemed very comfortable with me and I relaxed as the day went on and everything went well. Oh, for more days like this one with Lizzie. 

I thanked Gigi after we dropped Lizzie off. She said it was no problem. She wants me to ask Lizzie on a date. I do not know. I feel like that Mama Mia song from the musical Gigi and I saw a few years ago—here I go again. I do not want to damage the relationship we have now. On the other hand, yes, I want more. Gigi thinks that Lizzie would be amenable to going on a date with me. But, of course, she has not asked her, because she is respecting my wishes not to talk about it with Lizzie. We are not in middle school. 

On the other hand, Lizzie tweeted both of us and thanked us for an awesome day. Awesome! Were we awesome, or was it San Francisco that was awesome? I may not be in middle school any more, but I sure feel like it. It is too soon for me to approach Lizzie about dating. I do not want to misread her cues again, so I will wait and see if things become clearer. 

Lizzie left her scarf in my car and it smells like her. I texted that I would return it to her on Monday and she thanked me. Am I a creepy stalker because I brought it into the house with me and I am just sitting with it near me so that I can catch the hint of her scent as I write? I do not feel like a creep, it makes me happy to have a part of Lizzie in my home. I wish I could show Lizzie my home. Perhaps it is not so impossible a dream as I used to think.


	83. Gigi Said You Wanted Me

January 28, 2013

This morning I helped Lizzie film her video and she posted it right away. It was interesting to see the interaction. This is one day that I am glad I was filmed because I am able to watch it again and see if what I thought was happening really did happen. And, I think I was right. It was a great conversation. Mostly.   
When I came in and told her that Gigi said she wanted me, I did not realize how that sounded to Lizzie until I watched the video. That was a poor choice of words on my part. Although I wish it were true. And Lizzie was taken aback, but seemed to recover when I mentioned the interview. She was happy and smiled a lot. She touched me. Thankfully, I did not outwardly react when she touched my shoulder. I think my heart stopped beating for a few seconds there. Then it started racing. Here is one time that I am glad that I do not show my emotions easily. It would have been embarrassing. 

Since we spent the time together this weekend (oh, I forgot to bring Lizzie’s scarf in to work), I felt more comfortable with Lizzie and it seemed that she did with me, too. Talking about work was easy, too, it is what I do all day, after all. Ms. Foster was right, encouraging people and complimenting them does cause good results. 

I thought Lizzie was going to apologize for mocking me on her videos doing costume theater. I was a little surprised when she said her mother. Maybe she was going to say me, but felt awkward doing so. I tried to let her know that I do not have any ill will toward her when I told her even when costume theater led to her calling me a newsie, it was still a creative and interesting approach to on-line video.

Me pretending to be Gigi was odd and strange and I looked like an idiot. But, me playing Fitz was a great success, if I do say so myself. Fitz was impressed. I have not seen Lizzie laugh that much in a long time. And never with me. It was worth looking like an idiot to have her laugh. Oh, she pierces my soul. I am half in agony, half in hope. Would she consider dating me, or is her dislike of me too fixed? 

Gigi and Fitz of course are pressuring me to ask Lizzie on a date. They both know her, maybe better than I do. Should I listen to them? Or should I continue to let our relationship progress? I know what I want to do, but is that prudent? I do not think I could handle a scathing rejection again. Although, I do not think Lizzie would be scathing with me again. But she might reject me. 

January 29, 2013

Brandon is beside himself about the Super Bowl this weekend. He and Fitz are having a party. I am surprised that he is not going to the Super Bowl like he went to several World Series games in the fall. Fitz said something about Brandon having a big deadline at work and not being able to take the time off to go to New Orleans. It must be killing him.

Super Bowl fever is running high. Everyone is wearing their 49ers apparel to work. We decided that the Monday after the game would be an optional holiday at Pemberly. Might as well bow to the inevitable. I am sure Fitz & Brandon are not the only ones planning a party.

I called Bing and left a message inviting him to come to the party at Fitz & Brandon’s. I was hoping he would pick up the call, but he did not. I hope that he is able to forgive me.

I have thought about what to do about Lizzie and I have decided that I am going to be brave and ask her out on a date. I am not going to run in with guns blazing and declare my love for her like I did last time, but I am going to just ask her to go out with me for the evening. Now that we are friendlier, maybe if I take it more slowly, Lizzie will agree to go out with me. I have decided to ask her to go to the theater with me. Tomorrow, I will take the time to head to her office and ask her. I hope I am able to sleep tonight. I feel quite anxious. There is a great deal riding on her answer. 

January 30, 2013

The Domino announcement was made today. Gigi is creating the first test video right now. With all of the activity, I have not been able to see Lizzie yet. I hope to snatch some time right after lunch. Unfortunately, I am lunching with two of the board members.

Robyn accepted the job and will start part-time while she finishes her degree this spring and summer. Then she will move to a full-time position. It is exciting to be taking this new step, and I would not have done it if I had not been trying to change myself. It was because of Ms. Foster’s instructions that I went to the party and met Joe who introduced me to Robyn. And because I continued to forge a friendship with Joe, I was able to speak to Robyn, which sparked the idea. My world is expanding, and it all harkens back to Lizzie.

Bing texted that he was busy and not able to make it to the party. That is all. I texted back and told him that I could not apologize enough and asked for his forgiveness again. I am not going to let this rest. Bing is too important to me.


	84. Ugh

January 31, 2013

Well. Yesterday was not as bad as the first time I worked up my courage to talk to Lizzie. But, here I am feeling bereft and angry again. The difference is, my anger is directed at that scumbag GW. He is not content with betraying me, devastating my sister, now he has to damage someone else’s life and ruin my chances with Lizzie. Yeah. I think rage is too weak a word for what I feel right now. Poor Lizzie. She was distraught. I felt helpless . Would to heaven that anything could have been either said or done on my part that might have offered consolation to her distress. When I told her that this situation is not her fault and she answered, “Well, then, whose fault is it?” I knew she blamed me. If I had not been so anxious to get rid of GW. If I had prosecuted him for squandering our money. If I had not asked Lizzie to keep my confidences. She was only being considerate of me by not sharing what I had told her. She is not to blame. I must do everything I can to make this right. I need to find him, and stop him, and make him pay.

I did what I could to give her what she needed right then. I asked Mrs. Reynolds to book a ticket on the next flight out and call a driver for her. I asked Gigi to pack the things in her apartment and I will have them sent to her house tomorrow. I escorted Lizzie out to the car, and she allowed me to hand her into it. How I was tempted to kiss her cheek and tell her not to worry. But I have no right. And she may be repelled by a kiss from me. I could not do it. She looked at me with sad eyes and did not say anything. Was she a little sad to be leaving? I do not know. I can still feel the pressure of her hand in mine as she got into the car. Here I go again. I pine and wonder and miss Lizzie.

But I cannot help thinking: what would she have said about going to the theater with just me? I went back and watched the video. She hesitated. Would she have said yes, or no? If only that phone could have waited even thirty seconds longer. Well, she knows that I wanted her to go out with me. If she calls me, I will know that she would have said yes. If not, then I will have my answer.

Later

Fitz and I came up with a plan of attack for finding GW and eliminating this video. Fitz will do his internet detecting magic and focus on finding out as much as we can about this company. I will go back to LA and try to trace GW. I am on the next flight out and will spend the travel time strategizing. Fitz and I also decided that we had to watch Lydia’s videos because there might be a clue in them to GW’s plans. He did reference her as YouTube star Lydia Bennet, so it is likely that he appears in them. I am not looking forward to looking at his smarmy face and listening to his practiced lies, but to help Lizzie, I will do anything.  
I told my new assistant Bess to cancel all of my meetings next week because of urgent personal business. I need to be free to focus on solving this problem. 

February 1, 2013

I cannot believe that Gigi called me on the Domino demo. The other concern that has been in the back of my head has come to pass. Gigi is involved and is already troubled. I want to keep her out of this. She does not need to revisit the pain and anguish that she experienced because of GW. I want to keep her safe and untouched by his immoral, indecent, filthy plots. He is afflicting the two people I love best in the world. Best not to write down what I wish to do to him.

I watched Lydia’s videos painful as it was. What a manipulating, scheming rat he is! And he was careful to turn her against Lizzie and the rest of the family and make her feel isolated so that he would have more domination over her. I am sure that is what he did to Gigi too, and one of the reasons that she had such a hard time trusting me after he walked out.

Oh, Lizzie, Lizzie, why do you not call? I had hoped you would at least inform me that you got home. OK. She just got home, and she has a lot happening. It is not the end of the world that she did not call yet. Will she call? I hope so.

Back to my digging. So far, I have several avenues to investigate.

February 3, 2013

Super Bowl Sunday and I am out hunting for GW. Fitz is still in the office following the internet maze back to the real people behind this despicable company. Brandon is beside himself that Fitz is planning to miss the game. I am grateful that Fitz is such a good friend that he would sacrifice the party at his house for the Super Bowl to help me. He laughed at me when I tried to thank him. He said that once the game starts Brandon will never know if he is there or not. And, he hates GW too and wants to see him go down. I confided in him my concerns for Gigi. He did say that he thought she had grown up this year, but he acknowledged that she could be hurt again by these circumstances. He will help me shield her from it.


	85. Orange County

February 4, 2013

This takes the cake. Is there no end to the depths to which he will sink? To put up a tape like that without Lydia’s knowledge and consent? Despicable maggot! I cannot think of anything bad enough to call him. 

Gigi was watching this. I know. I wish I could forbid her to watch. But I know she is watching and thinking about everything. I will ask Fitz to check in with her and make sure she is fine.

How powerless I feel. I wish I could fix this for Lizzie. I must find this snake. None of my leads is panning out yet. I have called everyone I know who knows GW and no one knows where he is. I am tormented by the thought of Lizzie in pain and me unable to do anything.

I am glad that Lizzie is continuing to post her videos. At least I can see her and know what is happening with her. But she does not call. Oh, Lizzie, please call me. Please miss me and wish that we could have gone out to the theater that night and maybe other nights. 

Bing came back this evening. He did not say where he was. He did say that he has been doing a lot of thinking lately. I offered that he could punch me, but he laughed at that. I think that is a good sign, that he could laugh with me. We went out for a run together and walked a while after we were finished. He asked me why I had tried to separate him from Jane. I repeated what I had told Lizzie, but was more forthcoming with details than I was with her. I explained that my experience with A., not to mention GW, had made me cynical. I said that I had misread Jane’s feelings for him and that when I saw her with another man at his birthday party, it all came to a head. I told him that now I know what I did was wrong, but that I was never trying to hurt him, only protect him from getting in deeper with someone I considered a gold digger. He was very quiet, and I am not sure that I am forgiven, but at least we talked. 

February 5, 2013

I still have not heard from Lizzie. Fitz found a speeding ticket record for GW from last week in northern Orange County, so I am getting ready to head south and see if being in the same area helps me find him. I do not like feeling helpless. Maybe if I get close, something will turn up.

Later

Gigi called as I was headed to my car. She told me to look at the Ocean Front Resort, Newport Beach. She will not stay out of it. I cannot protect her. I have not been able to help Lizzie. No GW staying at the resort. Right now I am feeling like a failure. I have tried showing his picture, but the front desk is too discreet. Maybe I can find someone who does not have such a sense of privacy in the shops around the resort. But that will have to wait until tomorrow since it is too late.

The Domino demo has turned into quite a dramatic story. I hope that it does not scare away any potential investors or partners. I should ask Gigi to be more circumspect, but I cannot bear to have her think I am being critical at this time. At least she has not used names.

February 6, 2013

A long and fruitless day of showing the picture around Newport Beach. I am not sure what to do next. No communication from Lizzie. Of course, her focus is on her family right now. I wish that I had the right to help her carry this burden. I have thought about calling her, but she knows that I want to be with her; if she does not want me, I do not want to force myself on her at this sensitive time.

On a hunch, I called Katherine to ask if she has seen or heard from GW lately. She said she has not seen him in several years. She wondered what trouble he had gotten in now. I guess she knows him better than I thought. She said that when we were all teenagers she had seen him say and do things that made her uncomfortable and heard some other troubling things about him. She told me she would check with her sister Rachel. She called back and said that he had called and asked Rachel for money last week. Rachel refused (smart woman) and does not know where he was or is. She did have his phone number on her received call list. So we have that. Obviously he will not answer calls from me. I will have to find different phones from which to call. 

I took the car for a drive along the coast. I thought it would relax me. And it did, to some extent. I am sure I will not relax completely until this problem is solved. I will try to sleep and hope Fitz will have better news for me tomorrow.


	86. Just Call Me

February 7, 2013

This is excruciating. Watching Lizzie cry and knowing that I may not be able to fix it no matter how much I try. Watching her cry and not being able to comfort her in any way. Not that she needs me. Jane was amazing. Such wisdom and caring. And loyalty. I do not think I would have had her courage to leave her job knowing that she could not come back. Wow. The Bennets are certainly an extraordinary family. To be able to raise two wonderful women. And maybe Lydia will come through this like Gigi came through, and then there will be three strong women. Despite their strange behavior at times, they obviously do the right thing.

I know how Mr. Bennet feels. I feel defeated too. But I will not give up. We have one week left until the video goes live. There is time to find him. I will call Fitz in a few minutes and we will try to figure out what to do next. 

February 8, 2013

Fitz called and said he had given Gigi the number. He said he had made Gigi promise to only text and not to call to talk. I was angry, and he understood. He told me to watch the Domino demo video. That Gigi, she is a conniver. I can see why Fitz gave it to her. I wanted to keep her out of it, but she is right; we are running out of time. Maybe she will get through where Fitz and I have not been able.

Later

Lizzie has become precious to me. Her well-being and happiness are vital to my well-being and happiness. Interestingly, last spring and summer when I was yearning for a girlfriend, I did not consider what she would be like, except superficially. Beautiful, well-dressed, able to conduct herself in my social circle—no wonder Lizzie thought I was arrogant. I only contemplated a girlfriend for what she could bring me: social éclat and companionship (but companionship was not as important). I never considered what she would be like inside. And, Lizzie taught me how wrong I was. Not only is she the source of all of my aspirations and desires, but she is loyal and true. What a contrast to Caroline, who has a more flashy beauty, and yet is spiteful and selfish inside. I never thought of what I would give to a relationship, aside from my money. I have been guilty of thinking of myself like GW and A. thought of me. Now, I realize that Lizzie does not have to do anything for me. I want to do all I can for her, and yet my life is richer and more rewarding because of my love for her even without her returning it. I never knew myself until she showed me to myself. If she does nothing else and never comes to love me, I still owe her a debt I can never repay.

My darling Lizzie, How I wish I had the privilege to be able to send you a letter conveying my feelings to you. They will not be contained without expression any longer. I love you, Lizzie. Your beauty captivates me. The liveliness of your mind delights me. Your love and loyalty to your family and friends charms me. I admire your caring, your idealism, your ambition, your steadfastness, and your ability to keep confidences. Your sparkle entrances me. You, your very essence, entice me. I never dreamed of a love this deep and fervent. I want to awaken an answering ardent love in you. Can it ever be, Lizzie? Has my conduct in the beginning of our acquaintance produced a disgust for me that can never be overcome? Oh, Lizzie, let me in. Let me love you. Love me in return. Please, Lizzie. Just call me.


	87. Knock Out

February 11, 2013

Fitz came down for the weekend. He said that he was not getting anywhere in the office and we might as well be together to strategize and try to make things happen. He brought chocolate chip cookies with him. He said I probably needed them and that baking helps him relax anyway. It was good to have him here.   
I could have done without him while we watched Lizzie’s video this morning. It was too much. I had to leave the room at the end. I could not help crying while I watched Lizzie and Lydia cry. Not only does Lizzie’s pain slice through me, but it reminded me of the time with Gigi last year. No one should have to go through what GW has put us all through. I know I have called him names in here before, but I cannot think of anything bad enough to say about him right now. Oh, Lizzie, Lizzie, I feel useless, too. Me, William Darcy, who is used to throwing money at things and they work out. Except that these kinds of wounds are not fixed by money. I never blamed Lydia for taking you away from me. She is a victim. And, Lizzie still blames herself and that causes her more heartache. GW, may you get what you deserve, and it is not tea.

Fitz forbore teasing me about my breakdown, for which I was grateful. We spent the day chasing internet leads and then went for a run on the beach. We considered that GW might hang out on the beach, maybe looking for his next victim. But, we had no success. He certainly is keeping a low profile right now. Does he know we are after him?

February 12, 2013

So much has happened today. Gigi called GW and he actually downloaded Domino. Fortunately, Fitz and I both had our searches set to ping us if any new instance of GW came up on the internet. Simultaneous pings and we knew we had him. But, I also knew that if he downloaded Domino it was because of Gigi. I had to check on her, and she was tolerably composed. I hope to be back with her in a couple of days.

Before GW downloaded Domino, it occurred to us to look in some of the less pricey areas around Newport Beach. Perhaps GW was short of cash at the moment and was not staying at a luxury resort. When Fitz was showing the picture around shops in the less affluent area, a drug store cashier told him that the picture looked like her new boyfriend. In his inimitable way, Fitz was able to get some information, but she would not tell him where GW is staying. We were resigned to the tedious and time-consuming chore of following this girl, but then he downloaded the app. Fitz said that the girl does not even have a driver’s license yet, she is planning to go next month on her birthday and obtain it. The more I hear about GW, the more despicable he sounds.

We are waiting now to get the information from GW’s phone. We hope to pinpoint him shortly. As soon as we have his location, we are planning to move.

Later

Drama, adventure, and a satisfactory end to a long day. Who knew my life would ever be so thrilling? Fitz and I discovered that GW was staying at a cheap motel not far from the drug store at which his “girlfriend” works. We were able to bribe the clerk to give us his room number. We had no real plan, but we decided to try knocking. I placed my hand over the peep hole to preclude him from seeing us before he opened the door. Our luck was in and he actually opened the door. I forced my way into the room with Fitz right behind me. Imagine our surprise when we saw the girl in the bed. I raised my eyebrows at Fitz and he immediately stepped out to call the police. GW was furious and came at me swinging. My parents’ insistence on Tae Kwon Do during my childhood paid off. It all came back to me as I parried his attack and was able to knock him down with a punch of my own. That was one of the most satisfying things I have ever done. I had an urge to keep hitting him, but managed to restrain myself. Up until then, I had been defending myself, but if I continued to hit him when he was down, it would have been assault. The girl was screaming in the bed and Fitz witnessed the whole thing. I told Fitz to look around and see if he could find anything of interest to us. There was a box right by the door labeled, “Originals.” It was full of manila envelopes. Fitz found one identified as “Lydia Bennet,” and he grabbed it and shoved it in his bag. GW did not see and the girl was too busy screaming and looking at him to notice what Fitz was doing. The police arrived not long after I finally convinced the girl to stop screaming. I told them that the girl was underage and GW yelled and swore at her. He said she had told him she was eighteen. We told the police our story, leaving Lydia out of it, and gave them our contact information. We will have to return for the trial, but it will be worth it. GW will probably end up in prison and then will be on the sexual predator registry. His activities will be severely constrained.   
The envelope contained a DVD of the sex tape and paperwork for the company that is hosting the site. With both of us working together and the help of my lawyers we were able to make a cash bid for the company that the owner jumped at. One condition of the contract was that the page with Lydia’s tape would be immediately taken down and all digital or hard copies of it destroyed. Ms. Graham and the rest of the lawyers worked on a clause stating that if any copy of that video was ever posted on the internet, the owner would be personally liable for a harsh penalty. It also includes express assignment of claims against GW for retaining a copy of the disk in violation of his original contract. As the new owner of the company, I could sue him for that, but I will consider the matter carefully before making a decision. I think we covered all of the bases. The paperwork should be completed tomorrow and then I will be the owner of a dubious company. I did not want Pemberly to be compromised by this deal, thus, I personally bought the company. I will have to decide what to do with it, but I am not thinking about this now.

Fitz and I went out and celebrated with champagne. We were giddy with joy and relief and it felt wonderful to relax and know that we had resolved it finally. Now I am exhausted and ready to sleep for a long time.

February 13, 2013

The website is down. I checked when I finally woke up this morning (almost afternoon). Fitz and I are heading back to LA where we will sign all of the final paperwork and it will be done. The owner has already faxed his signed copies to Ms. Graham. They are being sent by courier down to Pemberly offices in LA so that we can sign them. Later this evening we will head back to San Francisco, just in time for Fitz to be with Brandon on Valentine’s Day.   
I feel like I slayed a dragon and rescued my damsel in distress. Unfortunately, she was not there to see my valor and she does not even know I was involved. But she knows that I love her, and she has my number. Why does she not call? If only she wished to talk to me. Valentine’s Day holds no appeal for me.


	88. Happy Valentine's Day

February 14, 2013

Valentine’s Day. At least I got to see Lizzie. On her video. Oh well, it is better than nothing, right? It is good to see the family pulling together, although the more I learn about them, the more I realize that, of course they would pull together in a time of crisis. I think I am falling more in love with her each day. She was especially sweet to Lydia today. Her caring and compassion shone out brightly. 

She thanked whoever was responsible for taking down the site. She does not know it was me. If she did, would she still think I am wonderful? Have her negative feelings for me vanished? Or does she still think of me with distaste? I wish I knew. Why isn’t she watching Domino? On the other hand, I do not want her to think I am wonderful just because she is grateful to me. I could not bear to have her feel burdened by gratitude. I want her to love me. Just me. Not because I did something for her. Although I am exultant that I was able to perform this service for her, but I did not do it to demand her appreciation. 

Gigi thinks that I should call and tell Lizzie of my role. And I do not want her gratitude. Besides, how would I introduce the topic? By the way, Lizzie, I am the super wonderful person who took down the site. Aren’t I great? Talk about arrogant. Additionally, I do not want to intrude on her during this family time. No, Gigi is not right in this instance. But, she did thank me for being a wonderful big brother. I am glad that she appreciates the lengths I would go for her. She is important to me, and I love her and want her to be happy.

Fitz is off to Fiji with Brandon. He did not tell me that they had tickets leaving this evening. Thankfully, we finished with the mess in time for him to make the trip. What would it be like, leaving with one’s lover for Fiji on Valentine’s Day? I am sure it would be marvelous. Lizzie in a bathing suit! Why did we never go swimming or to the beach when they were staying at Netherfield? I was an idiot. 

Time to buckle down and work on the tasks that have piled up while I was busy chasing GW. I know what I will be doing on Valentine’s Day and this weekend. Digging out of the paperwork.

February 17, 2013

Well, I did do my share of work this weekend, but Joe called me Saturday morning and suggested we drive out to Napa Valley for a wine and music festival. It sounded like a good idea, by that time I was weary of two fifteen hour work days. I wish I had my new car here, maybe it is time to move it up. But my Mercedes ML 320 did the job. It was great to get away from everything. Joe knows nothing about Pemberly or Lizzie or GW. We talked about poetry and mysteries and traveling. Joe’s family is originally from Quebec and he has traveled extensively in Canada and Europe. The festival was congenial and the music was surprisingly good. I did not drink much wine, since I was driving, but it was fun to be among the vineyards again. I saw several old friends of my father. He had many ties to the wine makers in Napa Valley before he died. They were very welcoming and happy to see me. I should get out that way more often. And bring Gigi with me next time.


	89. Pajamas

February 18, 2013

If I had ever thought of Lizzie in pajamas, it was not those pajamas. She looked cute, but not really what I imagined. Why does she not watch Domino? Pemberly was ‘nice.’ Great. Just nice. It is a good thing that I did not listen to Gigi. She obviously would not welcome hearing from me.

That reminds me that I ought to call Bing and see how he is. There is still a great deal of work for me to do. And, I need to do something about moving my things up to San Francisco now that I have decided to make it my main residence again. I have been too long away from my house and the main offices. And I want to be closer to Gigi. The LA office is doing well, and I can fly down there on a case by case basis.

February 20, 2013

I have been snowed under with work, and I have not felt like writing the past few days. I had not realized that my hopes had been raised so high about Lizzie wanting to be with me. And then, to have her dismiss her time at Pemberly. And she does not call me. I will overcome this melancholy, but I am tired of being melancholy. 

Bing called me back yesterday. He said he had been busy and preoccupied, but that we were fine. He has forgiven me for my interference. He said that he wished I had not done it, but perhaps it was for the best. He said that it made him take a good look at his life and at what he does and does not want. I asked him to come for a visit, but he said he was not able to this weekend. Maybe another time. Talking to Bing lightened a burden I have been feeling. But, he was not his usual self. He seemed distracted even when we were talking. He said he had a lot on his mind. At least our friendship is intact.

Bess has contacted a moving company that will pack and move all of my things up from LA. They will even put the car on the truck. I had hoped to drive the car up the coast, but the way work is going right now, I will not have the time to do that any time soon. It should all be here by the end of next week.  
Gigi and I have plans to spend Saturday together. We are going to play tennis, and she will make me dinner. I have reiterated my desire for her and Fitz to stop pushing Lizzie and me together, and not to tell Lizzie about my role in GW’s takedown. They both promised that they would respect that. Gigi could not resist disagreeing with me, but she took my word finally. She checks in on me throughout the days to make sure I am doing OK. It is sweet, but gets a little wearing at times.

Domino performed well during the demo testing and there have been many planning meetings about how to take it farther. Gigi has made some important contributions to the planning. I think we are close to having an innovative and interesting direction in which to advance. It will only be good news for Pemberly if it works out the way we foresee.


	90. Courage

February 21, 2013

Way to go, Bing! I am proud of him for having the courage to decide what he wants and go after it. I am glad he and Jane are reunited, even if they are not going to jump right in with both feet. That is probably for the best anyway. There have been many things that have happened in the past few months, and both of them have changed. It makes sense to take things slowly. When Jane would not speak to him at first, I was worried, but it worked out.

Lizzie certainly is spirited, especially if she perceives an injustice or inconsistency. She lit into Bing, but he handled it well. He was right. He should have asked Jane about the indiscretion right away. Or, I should have. I assumed the worst because I wanted to separate Bing from Jane. And, I wanted to separate myself from Lizzie, although I did not admit that to myself. I was afraid of her and of the feelings she was evoking in me. Feelings that I did not understand. Now I understand. And, though I am not fully happy, I am more peaceful with myself. I accept my feelings instead of fight against them. And, I am continuing to try to improve my attitude and my presentation of myself. I am proud of the changes I have made in the last few months.

We are putting the final touches to an exciting plan for Domino. I am glad that I have this new venture to occupy my thoughts and time. It is a good distraction. Since Gigi contributed so much to the idea, she will be taking a leading role in the endeavor. I am proud of her.

Later

I talked to Ms. Foster this afternoon. It has been a while since I have talked to her with all of the drama that has happened. She suggested that I could continue to work on the things we have spoken about on my own, calling her if I need advice. I agreed. I think that I am more comfortable monitoring social situations and remembering to think about other points of view aside from my own.

I just re-read my entry from this morning. I admire Bing for having the courage to go after what he wants. But I cannot seem to find that courage for myself. What would Lizzie do if I showed up with a bag of snickerdoodles? Although, snickerdoodles do not have any meaning for the two of us, so I would not bring them. But, if I showed up at her door. How would she react? I cannot set myself up for being rejected by her again. I just could not endure it. Please, Lizzie, use the phone. Who am I kidding? If she wanted to call me, she would have called by now. I will have to learn to live with it again. This sense of loss is getting old.

February 23, 2013

A new Q & A video from Lizzie. She thinks first impressions are less important now. That has to be a good thing for me. Well, I knew that already. She does not still hate me. But that does not mean she feels anything stronger for me, or that she ever will. What is this Tiger and Eagle question mean? I got several of those questions on my Twitter feed. I do not remember seeing anything about tigers or eagles on her videos. Not like the pirate/ninja thing. I figured out what that was all about after seeing her Q&A with Fitz. And seahorses. People are really strange. How did they decide to ask about seahorses?

The big announcement about Pemberly seeking new partners came out today. We will see what comes of it.

February 24, 2013

Dinner with Gigi last night was lovely. Of course, she crushed me at tennis. She is amazing at tennis. She was sweet and told me I gave her a good game, but I am not up to her level. That is somewhat depressing, since she is my little sister. But she has worked hard, and I am proud of her. Her cooking skills have improved this year, especially her baking skills. She made a delicious chocolate trifle for dessert. I am going to have to take a long run today to offset all that I ate last night.


	91. Burden

February 25, 2013

How about that? Jane is moving to New York, and Lizzie was happy for her. Lizzie has changed a great deal from the girl who did not want anyone to leave town. It was wonderful to see the two of them so happy. 

Lizzie looked good. I have always admired her in black, and that dress was rather appealing on her. She also has lost the worried look and is back to her sparkling self. That is good. 

Gigi just called and said that Lizzie was not talking about Bing when she mentioned those what if questions. Gigi said that Lizzie is asking those questions about us. I do not know where Gigi gets that interpretation. It was clear that she was talking about Bing before and after those questions, thus, the questions were also about Bing. Gigi is frustrated with my stubbornness, as she calls it, but I have been guilty of wishful thinking and reading too much into Lizzie’s words and actions before. I do not believe she is thinking about me.

February 27, 2013

My things arrived from LA today. I spent the afternoon directing Monique as to where I wanted them placed. Monique has been housekeeper for our family since I was a boy, so she did not need my direction, and she finally shooed me out of the house. I visited Mr. Lee in the garden, but he was busy planting a new bed, so he did not have time for me either. I have been restless lately. I can concentrate on my work, but when I am not working, I cannot settle to anything. I try to read, but to no avail. I sit down at the piano, but cannot concentrate on the music. I know why I am restless, I just do not know what to do about it. I feel like that Whitman poem, “as toilsome I wander’d.” Life is toilsome. My pain is dull. I cannot seem to rouse myself.

I am tired, that is clear,  
Because, at certain stage, people have to be tired.  
Of what I am tired, I don't know:  
It would not serve me at all to know  
Since the tiredness stays just the same.  
The wound hurts as it hurts  
And not in function of the cause that produced it.  
Yes, I am tired,  
And ever so slightly smiling  
At the tiredness being only this -  
In the body a wish for sleep,  
In the soul a desire for not thinking  
And, to crown all, a luminous transparency  
Of the retrospective understanding…  
And the one luxury of not now having hopes?  
I am intelligent: that's all.  
I have seen much and understood much of what I  
have seen.  
And there is a certain pleasure even in tiredness  
this brings us,  
That in the end the head does still serve for  
something.  
By Fernando Pessoa

In the soul a desire for not thinking. And the one luxury of not now having hopes? That speaks to me, but not the certain pleasure even in tiredness. I am not finding pleasure in much these days.

Later

Fitz badgered me into going out and playing pool with him tonight. He started teasing me, but I was in no mood for it. His careful sympathy after that almost undid me. I am a burden to myself and my friends.


	92. Ache

February 28, 2013

What? Bing quit med school? And I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts I never knew something was going on. But, I remember him talking about being unhappy in school and not wanting to go back. I should have listened to him. I should not have dismissed his confidences so cavalierly. If I had not lost his trust by interfering, he may have shared his thoughts with me. Even now, when I have been trying to be a better person, I ignored Bing and did not try to find out how he was doing. I knew he was sad about leaving Jane, and when he was visiting here in San Francisco, I should have talked to him and listened to him. I am ashamed.

Once again, I am in awe of Bing’s courage and consideration. He did not ask Jane to stay, but he is willing to move across the country to be with her because she is essential to his happiness. He risked her rejection, but even when she seemed to have rejected him, he acted with honor and grace. He did not become defensive or try to attack Jane, but wished her the best, complimented her, and took his leave quietly. In this moment, my admiration for Bing knows no bounds. I wish that I had acted like that, rather than becoming angry and striking out at Lizzie. 

Volunteer work with children, disaster relief. I need to call Bing and let him know that I admire and support him. If he is setting something up, he may need other backers and I will let him know that he can count on me.

Later

Bing and I had a very good talk. I apologized again for not being a good friend, but Bing excused me. He said that he was trying to figure things out for himself, and had not been ready to share his decisions with anyone yet. He went home yesterday, after being with Jane, and confronted his family and told them of his plans. He said that it was a difficult interview, but he had stood firm and was starting all in motion for leaving for New York very soon. Jane left today, and Bing wants to follow her as soon as he can. He appreciated my offer of financial support and told me that he would let me know as his plans become finalized. I promised to come visit him in New York sometime soon.

New Bing (to borrow a phrase from Lizzie) is amazing and inspiring. He stood up to his family, and that was no small feat. And he stood firm despite the pressure they brought to bear on him. He spent time working out what he wants in life, and now he is wholeheartedly and determinedly pursuing it. He did not worry about the consequences to himself, but forged ahead. He has given me much to think about.

March 2, 2013

Today I took my car on the coastline drive. I drove very carefully (Gigi), but the spectacular scenery and driving my remarkable car helped dispel some of my grim mood. Gigi and I are going to dinner and the theater tonight. I am looking forward to it, although it reminds me of having plans to go to the theater with Lizzie last month. 

I am still thinking about courage and grasping what I want in life. Perhaps I should pursue Lizzie. I wanted for her to let me know if she was interested, but it looks like that is not going to happen. Gigi swears that Lizzie would be receptive to me, if I sought her out. Maybe I should imitate Bing and go after what I want. And, oh, do I want Lizzie to be a part of my life. I ache to be with her.


	93. Pros and Cons

March 4, 2013

I feel like the elephant in the room. Charlotte finally brought me up. But Lizzie said that there was nothing more to say about me. Has she written me out of her life? Really? And we are not even friends, according to her! We aren’t? I thought we were getting there. She does not want to talk about her feelings for me, is that good or bad? If she still hated me, why would she hesitate to say so? And yet, if she does not hate me, why does she not say that? Charlotte talked about “chemistry, heat, tension.” Oh yes, I felt it, and I like to go back and watch those videos again. But we did not part in the best of circumstances, and she has not called. Of course, she mentioned that she has not heard from me. Does that mean she wants to hear from me? This is perplexing. Maybe if I make a chart.

Pro: she watched the Pemberly videos and did not contradict Charlotte about the chemistry, heat and tension  
Pro: she said I had not called (or is this a con?) Perhaps she wants to hear from me  
Pro: she did not say that her feelings were the same  
Con: she did not say that her feelings changed  
Con: she said there was nothing more to say about me  
Con: she said that we are not friends  
Con: she said I am a force of nature that you don’t just call. I do not think that is a compliment.  
Con: she has not called me

I think the cons outweigh the pros. Yeah.

Later

Gigi wanted to talk to me about the video this morning, but I told her I did not want to talk about it. She must have seen that I was serious, because she left me alone. I texted Joe to see if he was free to meet me for a drink after work. I need to do something besides go home and brood. But I do not want to be around Gigi or Fitz today. They know too much about me.

March 5, 2013

Ugh. I met Joe and drank Scotch and smoked a cigar. Note to self: do not smoke cigars. The Scotch was good, but the cigar did not agree with me. The good news about last night is that we got in a debate about the role of the government versus private charities in caring for those who live in poverty. I hardly thought about Lizzie at all during that time.

Coffee is starting to wake me up and the toast is staying down; I suppose I had better get ready and go into the office. There is so much to plan and confirm with Gigi and the rest of the Domino team. I hope I do not look as green as I feel.


	94. I Do Not Want Your Gratitude

March 7, 2013

Well, now she knows of my role in the whole GW fiasco. And, it is not better that she knows. At least when she did not know, I could excuse her indifference to me. Now she knows and she was shocked and why would she want to do something about it? She should thank me of course. I do not want your gratitude, Lizzie Bennet! And, she thinks it is not about her. Lydia is smarter than that. Lydia knows why I did it. At first when Lydia was saying that when you care for someone you would do anything for them even if they don’t know, I thought she was talking about me. Because, of course, that is why I took care of shutting down that web site. But she was talking about GW. She had hoped that he had done it. Poor Lydia. I did not think that she would have wondered about that. Of course, I see GW for what he is, and she was hoodwinked by him. I wonder how she found out. 

Next week I have to travel to Denver and Chicago for negotiations for the prospective merger. It will certainly give my thoughts a new direction. It promises to be all-consuming, actually.

March 8, 2013

Gigi and I had lunch today and she told me that Lydia had called and talked to her last weekend. Lydia had found the Domino videos and that is how she discovered my role. Lydia reached out to Gigi because she thought Gigi would understand how Lydia is feeling right now. Gigi said that they had a good talk, but that Lydia still could not believe the worst about GW. Gigi does not even know the worst. Thankfully. I wish that neither of them would ever have to know. Of course, when he goes to trial, they are likely to hear something about it. I should probably not keep it a secret. If it is one thing we have all learned this year, it is not to keep secrets. But, I do not have to share it right away. The trial will be later this summer, so there is plenty of time to spare.

Gigi said that she and Lydia are going to keep in touch. She promised me that she did not speak of me and Lizzie at all. I was grateful for that. I told Gigi to apologize to Lydia for all of the disparaging things I said about her and to assure her that I do not think them anymore. I, too, was guilty of judging her before I knew her, and that was not fair to her.

Gigi asked me what I was going to do about Lizzie. I said that I was planning to do nothing. She began to remonstrate with me, but I interrupted and stated that it was quite clear that Lizzie did not want anything to do with me and that I would respect her wishes. Gigi was unhappy, but sometimes life does not work out the way in which one desires.


	95. Perhaps

March 11, 2013

I was right. The negotiations are all intense and require all of my concentration. The meetings went on all day. I only have had time now, almost 10 PM, to sit down and take a break. I have Lizzie’s video cued on the computer, but I am hesitant to watch. It is like rubbing salt in a wound. But, I cannot not watch. I need to know what she is doing.

Well. That was a surprise. I literally jumped when Caroline stormed in. I cannot believe her. I cannot believe that I ever thought she was a nice person. On the other hand, Lizzie was compassionate and saw to the root of Caroline’s machinations, so perhaps Caroline is not as bad as she has seemed. All of her misguided schemes were designed to take care of her brother, whom she loves. However, manipulation is manipulation and it does not look good, or lead to good outcomes, as I have experienced first-hand. I felt physically sick watching Caroline in this video.

But, Lizzie! She was magnificent. She was angry, but she did not allow her anger to cloud her judgment or her sympathy for Caroline’s feelings. She rose above the pettiness and reached out to Caroline. If I did not love her so much already, I would be deeply in love with her for that. And her shirt was so distracting. The way it draped and drew the eye down and hinted at what 

Yes, well. Lizzie said that we were each in charge of our own life. She did not abuse me to Caroline, and although she denied trying to seduce me (oh, if only she were to try!), she did not recoil from my name as she has in the past. In fact, she seemed to intimate that I was avoiding her because Caroline said that us together would be disastrous. Perhaps she is not as firmly set against me as I thought. Perhaps when I return to San Francisco, I will call her. 

March 12, 2013

Long day of meetings and negotiations again. This entire week will be the same. I am completely exhausted. 

Gigi leaves for SXSW. We decided that would be an ideal place to promote Domino. I am so proud of Gigi for taking a lead in this project.

March 13, 2013

I need a drink. Thankfully, my weeks are not usually this full of argument and compromise and negotiation all day every day. There is a reason I am not a lawyer. Besides the obvious family business thing.

Gigi sent me the interview she did with LeakyNews! She did a wonderful job. I told her so.


	96. She Called Me

March 14, 2013

I took the early flight to Chicago and went right into more meetings all day. Finally, after the after dinner meeting I made it to my hotel and sat down to watch the latest video from Lizzie. And, what do I find? She called me. She called me! I immediately checked my phone, and the message was there, but for some odd reason, I was not notified of it. I heard her voice on my phone. Something I have been yearning for since she left Pemberly. Thank you, Imaginary Charlotte! I have to re-watch the video.

Lizzie is adorable when she feels self-conscious. And, now that I knew that she called me at the end of her video, I laughed at her portrayal of Gigi. I have to remember to thank Gigi and Fitz for honoring my wishes about interfering with Lizzie and me. But, I am sorry that caused her confusion. She has been thinking about me. She had Jane say that we would be super-sweet together. And, Imaginary Charlotte said that I would be glad to hear from her because I gave her my number. 

Seriously, though, I do not want her to feel unequal to me. That is not how I see her at all. I never did what I did with GW to place a burden or a debt upon her. And I had not thought about how our association with each other would seem to her. Now that I look at it from her perspective, she was a student shadowing the company for which I am a CEO, who has the power in that relationship? And, obviously, our financial situations are vastly different, but I never think about that any more. But how would she know that?

It is too late to call back tonight. But, I do not want to just call back. I want to be able to see Lizzie’s face when we speak. I have been so confused, and I want to clear things up between us. I will catch the first flight I can to LA and go to see Lizzie. Let us resolve the confusion in person. I will take a cue from Bing. If he can do it, so can I.

March 15, 2013

Drat these meetings. They are too important for me to miss. And they do not end until Saturday night after the banquet. All of the flights from Chicago to LA are full on Sunday, so Bess has me on standby starting with the first flight in the morning. If I cannot get out Sunday, I have a flight booked Monday morning. Now that I have decided what to do, the delay is excruciating. But, I must go back and ensure that the negotiations conclude for the benefit of Pemberly. It is my responsibility and I will complete it, although I wish I were thousands of miles away.


	97. Busy

March 18, 2013

No time to write!


	98. The Smoothest Pool for my Longing

March 21, 2013

I hardly know what to say or where to start. When I think back on this week, it was like a rollercoaster. The waiting for a flight, finally getting on one on Sunday, the drive to Netherfield (thankfully, I stopped to shower and change), standing on Lizzie’s door step and ringing the bell. I had not eaten anything all day because my stomach was in knots. I was surprised to see Charlotte and she was surprised to see me, but she sent me in. Trying to talk to Lizzie, but still being confused and then thinking she wanted to be just friends. And then she kissed me. I wrote it in my calendar. Lizzie Bennet kissed me for the first time on March 17, 2013. I could not believe it. Her lips on mine. How long I have fantasized about just that circumstance! And, it was more amazing than I imagined. It felt like she reached down inside me and drew my heart to her. I could not breathe. I quickly recovered my wits and took her in my arms and kissed her the way I have wanted to for months. What bliss! She wants me for myself. Just because I am me. I love her immeasurably.

After a time of talking and kissing, I ran out to get some food, since Charlotte left with the Chinese food and I was also very hungry. We did not want to go out, but just to stay in and be together the two of us. We talked and embraced far into the night, but eventually, I had to leave her and go back to Netherfield for some sleep. We planned to meet in the morning for breakfast, but not too early.

When we met for breakfast, I brought her hyacinths. I told her how her scent had affected me last summer and how it was through the scent of hyacinths that I realized that I loved her. 

My cheeks hurt from smiling. I have spent four days with my darling girlfriend and I have never been so happy. Lizzie had a meeting with Dr. Gardiner about her projects this afternoon, so I am supposedly catching up with Pemberly work, but mostly daydreaming about the last week. I love Lizzie’s videos. Now, I can watch the best day of my life over and over again. And I can see Lizzie’s face when I watch it. While we were having the actual conversation, I was not able to see her face all of the time. 

Here is a poem that could have been written by me, if I could write poetry. I never did think that I would be identifying with this sort of poem. All through the anguish and the angst of the last year, I never really believed that I would get my heart’s desire.

I lose myself in the space at the base  
Of your neck, the wood hollow, a place  
Where rainwater collects and birds sing,  
The smoothest pool for my longing.

I want to lay my tongue in the groove  
Of flesh, below the bone cupola.  
I want to stay there and not to move,  
To taste your skin of magnolia.

I lose myself in the space at the base  
Of your neck, all sense of self erased.  
— Dave Malone

I was right. Lizzie’s neck below her ears is a place of magic. I never tire of kissing her there. She giggles because it tickles, but I am making up for all of the times I watched her and yearned and thirsted for her. Of course, kissing her lips is the best. So far. It still feels as if she takes hold of my heart each time we kiss. 

I did not know that my love would grow stronger every hour that I am with her. She is smart and sweet and playful and astute. We talk about her thesis and independent studies and my work and our childhoods and our interests and our families. And, despite being with her, I still ache and hunger for her. It will take a lifetime for me to slake my thirst for her. 

We will be meeting at her house for dinner this evening. I am about to go out shopping for a birthday gift. I had not known it was Lizzie’s birthday on Sunday. She said I am the best birthday gift she has ever received, but I want to get her something. Is it too soon to buy a ring? Yes. Yes. I must not rush her into anything for which she is not ready. She has not even said that she loves me. Yet. I hope yet. I hope she will.

March 22, 2013

Today I had a conference call in the morning, and when I arrived at Lizzie’s house afterwards, she was filming a Q&A video. I was able to ask her about her response to my invitation to the theater those many weeks ago at Pemberly. She would have said yes. Is it wrong that in with my joy, I feel triumph? She would have said yes even before she was grateful to me about GW. I know that she told me it was not about being grateful, but I was still somewhat skeptical. I suppose I have trouble believing that my dream would come true.

My latest triumphant poem:

HER TRIUMPH by William Butler Yeats  
I did the dragon's will until you came  
Because I had fancied love a casual  
Improvisation, or a settled game  
That followed if I let the kerchief fall:  
Those deeds were best that gave the minute wings  
And heavenly music if they gave it wit;  
And then you stood among the dragon rings.  
I mocked, being crazy, but you mastered it  
And broke the chain and set my ankles free,  
Saint George or else a pagan Perseus;  
And now we stare astonished at the sea,  
And a miraculous strange bird shrieks at us.

And though I am triumphant, so is Lizzie. She taught me about myself and about true love, and set me free from my prejudices. Free to feel and to love and to learn. I owe her so much. My World’s Delight, my darling, my beloved. 

I carried her off from her video, but I teased her first by pretending to leave right after I got there. I am proud of myself that I actually got her with my joke. She told me she was proud of me, too. I had planned a picnic in the park for us. I stopped at the deli and picked up food and I brought my birthday present with me. Last night we did not have much privacy because I had come for a family dinner and we had sat in the back yard after dinner talking with Lizzie’s parents and Lydia. I was able to apologize in person to Lydia, and I think we may actually get to like each other in time. 

We went to the park and ate lunch and I gave her the presents. I had a joke gift first. When I was shopping I saw a teddy bear with a newsie cap and bow tie. I could not resist it. Lizzie liked it very much, although she still feels somewhat guilty for her portrayals of me in her videos. She told me that when Fitz posted that picture of him holding the cap over my head, she felt sorrow and regret because I looked so uncomfortable and yet like I was trying to put a good face on it (which is true). She said she regretted making me an object of mockery for my friends and strangers. I assured her that I was grateful for those portrayals because they forced me to change myself into someone better—someone worthy of her. And now I have her, and my life feels almost complete.  
Then I gave her my real gifts. I found a figurine of two ballroom dancers and made a little speech about how the most awkward dance ever brought us together, but I hoped that we would have many more dances that were graceful and flowing. Lizzie loved it. Then I gave her the book of love poems and told her that I loved her, and she said that she loved me too! Then I said, “Lizzie, why don’t we…take a walk.” But I had been about to say, “Get married.” But she had just said I love you for the first time. And, I do not have a ring yet. And, that would not be a romantic proposal. I am not rushing this. 

I am not rushing our physical relationship either, which is why I am here at Netherfield writing in my journal instead of with my dearest Lizzie. I have not invited her back to Netherfield after any of our dates. It is easier to have self-control if I know her father is in the same house. I am playing for keeps and I do not want Lizzie to think that I do not honor her or that I am treating her casually. I also want her to be sure of us. I have known that I love Lizzie for months, but she has not loved me for that long. I want her to know what she wants without feeling pressured or hurried into anything. She is precious and necessary to me. She deserves to be treated with respect and restraint, and to know that I highly esteem her. I never want her to feel used by me.

Gigi has been calling and texting for days. Finally I texted to let her know I was busy and happy. I can talk to Gigi later. Right now, I am concentrating on Lizzie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late post. I'm on vacation and having trouble getting Wi-Fi access.


	99. Tender Memories

March 25, 2013

I am in the airport waiting for my flight to be called to go back to San Francisco. It was such a wrench to leave Lizzie this morning. We were able to meet for an early breakfast before the driver collected me. I did not cry until I was alone, but it was an effort to keep my composure. Lizzie looked lovely and kissed me sweetly. I know it will not be long before I see her again. In fact, I am going to try to return this weekend. But, I long to be with her all of the time. However, she has responsibilities and must finish her work for her degree. And I have responsibilities at Pemberly. Perhaps this summer we can take a vacation together and leave our responsibilities behind. Lizzie would like to visit Jane in New York. Or, Fitz has been singing the praises of visiting Fiji. There are so many possibilities.

And, it will not be long before Lizzie is also in San Francisco. She will need to come look for a place to live. She told me that she is still trying to figure out who she is and wants the space to prove herself. So much has changed for her in the past year and she needs to process it and come to grips with what she wants to do and who she wants to become. I understand that and will try to give her the room she needs. I will have to fight my inclination to spend every spare minute with her. But that is a problem I will be glad to have.

Missing Lizzie now is very different than the loss and loneliness I have felt much of the past year. My loneliness is full of hope and joy and tender memories. One week of tender memories, but with the expectation of so many more. I am afraid that I have a silly grin on my face much of the time now. I hope that I do not look like an idiot during meetings. It will be hard to keep my mind on work this week.

Despite Lizzie’s trepidation, our dinner last night went well. Between Aunt Catherine and Mrs. Bennet talking at the same time and paying little attention to anyone else, there was very little call for Lizzie, her father, or me to contribute to the conversation. It transpires that Aunt Catherine’s late husband’s family was from the same area of South Carolina that Mrs. Bennet is from. They spent most of the dinner exploring people known in common and it seems that Mrs. Bennet is some sort of second cousin to Aunt Catherine’s husband. Once the relationship was established, Aunt Catherine seemed more reconciled to my relationship with Lizzie, and even went so far as to bestow several compliments on Lizzie. I knew it was a good idea to get them together for dinner. 

March 27, 2013

It has been a busy week at work with Gigi’s new project and all of the normal tasks. But, I have gotten texts and e-mails from Lizzie throughout the day and have been able to speak with her at lunch and after work. Lunch calls are fairly quick and practical, but the calls in the evenings have lasted for hours. I sit in my house with a glass of wine and listen and talk to Lizzie. Her affectionate words are precious to me, but so are the events and frustrations and successes of her day. There is an intimacy in sharing those little details of daily life that I treasure. Though we are apart, I feel connected to her.

I plan to fly down again Friday in the late afternoon. I am working long days this week in order to leave somewhat early on Friday. It cannot come too soon.  
Gigi is happy for me, but she says that she never sees me anymore. Of course, she is busy with her plans. She asked me to keep Mr. Knightley for her while she is away, and I said I would. I never thought I would have a pet. I suppose I do not really have a pet, but Mr. Knightley will be staying for several weeks, so it will be like having a pet. Monique will look after him when I am visiting Lizzie or traveling for work.


	100. Miss Manners

March 28, 2013

Lizzie had told me she decided to stop doing videos. I am somewhat relieved; my life will be more private now. She wants to concentrate on new ventures and getting her company started. And me, I hope! I am proud of what she has done in the past year and her ambitions for the future. She astounds me with her zest for life and the goals she is setting for herself. 

I wonder how long I should wait before asking her to marry me. I do not want to ask Gigi’s advice, but I am not sure I can determine this on my own. I do know that it is too soon now. Maybe if I wait until the end of the summer that will be long enough. Is there a guide? Emily Post or Miss Manners maybe. I will have to bite my tongue and exercise extreme self-control. But I can do that. I think.

March 29, 2013

Lizzie, Charlotte and Lydia decided to go out tonight to celebrate the end of the diaries and Charlotte’s promotion. The driver will take me straight to the restaurant where I will meet them. I should get there soon after they plan to arrive. We will be boarding the plane in a few minutes and then it will not be long before I see Lizzie and hold her in my arms again. It is getting more and more difficult to wait.

Later

I used to think that public displays of affection were tasteless, but I find that now I am more than happy to kiss or hold Lizzie anywhere. I do not even think about being in a restaurant full of people or in front of a camera—video or pictures—I just want to touch Lizzie. She looks into my eyes and everything else fades. I see only her lovely self shining out, and I am lost. I never hoped for such happiness. Even in my wildest imaginings, I did not come close to the delight and fulfillment I feel. 

Only a few more hours until I can see Lizzie again. Mrs. Bennet invited me to come for breakfast. I accepted with alacrity. Perhaps I will be able to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe I did it! Thanks so much to all of you who read my fic and to those who commented and encouraged me. Thanks, RoeManetti for the challenge. It was much more fun and fulfilling than I imagined. Thanks to my sisters, my brother, and my dad & mom for reading and cheering me on and answering my questions. I feel a little like Lizzie at the last episode. I’m going to miss this!
> 
> Some very sweet readers have encouraged me to continue the story. I’m thinking about it. If I do, I’ll start a new work—maybe Darcy Diary: The Story Continues. I’m on vacation so it won’t be for a little while, if I do decide to keep going. If you have an opinion, let me know.


End file.
